Clarity

I realized a few years ago that I need better clarity.

My glasses must need a new prescription, because I hadn't been able to see things well... otherwise I wouldn't have gotten in the trouble I was in.

Then I thought that it was my thinking that was skewed... somehow or other, maybe my brain wasn't working properly.

Could it be, I thought, that it was just my hormones overriding my brain? Thinking with the little head, I heard my son once say.

Surely, this woman, who said she loved me, must be right... there was something wrong with me, she often said, in different ways, over and over again. I couldn't do anything right!

I came to the slow realization that it wasn't me. The problem was her! Oh, shit! She had moved in with me! I had given her a ring! And now what?

So, back to the beginning I went, realizing that I need better clarity all right. It was The Ex's glasses that were broken, and it was The Ex that wasn't thinking right. Her frequent accusations were really about her and her behavior... it was her that was shallow and self-centered, and it was her that just didn't care... she was just around for the free ride.

It was all about her, but I was the provider. I was doing her a disservice by providing, since she needed to stand up on her own two feet and take care of herself, and I needed the clarity obtained by being by myself. So, it took a long while, but provoked by her inviting men over, I asked her to leave and did us both a favor.

I'm sure she's found another provider since. However, I will never run the chance of getting another bitch again.

It's easy to see in hindsight.

- © 2008 by Willy
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Nightmares

I have had a few recurring nightmares. When I was a young man, I worried about my work responsibilities in getting my engineering projects to succeed, and at home in raising and supporting a family.

From day one I was in a hurry to fly, even though my wings were just not there yet. I concentrated and tried sooo hard! Consistency, time and patience helped... I eventually did grow the wings and I soared with eagles... or at least other swan.

Nowadays my work worries are non-technical... getting everyone covered... and my immediate home stresses are to get on with my life.

One recent personal concern is how close I came to marrying my ex. She appeared innocent but was horrid. A profligate spender, she drove me crazy with demands and criticism, wanting everything her way with no compromise. I was insignificant to her. My recurring nightmares of finding a stranger in the house were based upon her inviting other men over, which was the last straw in a series of cruelties. Who gave her the right to be cruel to me? With her actions she hurt me but set me free. If I had married her, I would have put a gun to my head, which is exactly what she wanted, in issue being my will. How did I fall in love with THAT? And how do I prevent this nightmare from happening again?

I guess that we all stumble in some sort of way. We're not perfect. In mind and in body sometimes we stumble because of somebody else and sometimes it's our own fault. And when we do, it's usually painful. One solution is to stop the world and get off, quit dealing with people and go solo here too. In running, bicycling and triathlons, there's usually a crash at the last hundred yards to the finish line... if you are racing with other people. It seems, no matter what, that emotions and exuberance take over from the rational thinking process... and we crash and burn. Stumbling, in general, is a common concern and nightmare of mine and of many others.

Others have nightmares too. Another recurring nightmare shows me the results of somebody's lack of planning at work. I am a very good planner and even better multiplexer, which is why I am so busy with multiple tasks (I wear 5 hats), and can't understand somebody else's lack of planning. My workday is an orchestrated daylong heart attack, with little time to catch my breath before some "problem" pops into my office needing their shit unclogged. Most of these disasters could have been avoided if the guy had thought ahead to look around and plan. I now have several rolls of toilet paper in my office to hand out to THOSE people. I also tell them that lack of planning on their part does not constitute an emergency on my part. Let them have their own nightmares, instead of passing them to me.

Solutions? Besides going it solo, plan, and not be a co-dependent... two things I do to fight my nightmares are my daily prayers and my weekly massage. Massage is heaven on earth. Not only does it help my mind's anxieties, but also it fixes my beat-up body. I couldn't do my hiking, riding and lifting without it. Thanks, Jan.

Freud said that every dream is a wish. In between nightmares... in between tough parts of my life... I do have some wonderful, warm, peaceful dreams and great sleep. I have started to get these again, my favorite being slowly flying above nature's majesty. I wish for peace and calmness, solo.


- some of this © 2007 by Willy

We Give What We Have

To him who only owns a hammer, every problem looks like a nail (Maslow).

In a relationship, we can only give what we have, and we can only expect what they are. Funny how we forget this.

I'm not sad at past behavior. I accept it, and even embrace it. It's funny to think back that what I was expecting just wasn't in her... my ex... all she owned was a hammer, literally.

I was deeply in love with her, but she wasn't. There was no "we." Based upon her words and actions, she felt nothing for me. How about "You through with me yet?" or her praise of a waiter's muscles, or inviting men over to the house... and there were other cruelties.

We had it all. The relationship should have been good but instead it was twisted and distorted. She never had the concept of "we" because she was incapable... it couldn't be changed, so it couldn't be saved.

I pray for the serenity to accept the things I cannot change... courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Another restatement is that I can't change the wind, but I can adjust my sails. And the redneck restatement is that you can't teach a pig to sing...it wastes your time, and it annoys the pig. That pig don't sing and she never will.

She was so believable because she was the most self-deceptive person I've ever know. Also, because I wanted it to work. Unfortunately, I was living a fantasy.

Academics at Denver University have developed a theory of commitment that says, essentially, that the best relationships are those in which two people see themselves as us more than as you and me. They make sacrifices for each other, and give priority to each other’s needs. In other words, relationship commitment is all about "we," not independence. No surprise here!

On a related issue... anger turned inwards is depression. After grieving, my anger resulted in bad thinking... and bad emotional and physical health. So, I am staying calm, serene and peaceful. I forgive them because I don't want their poison to continue to affect me... I'd rather they succumb to their own. I believe there is justice in this world and that she's going to get hers eventually. In reality, being shallow and self-centered, she moved on years ago, and maybe I haven't. However, I'm back to doing what's right, without compromise, and focusing to think the right thoughts. Life is definitely good, and most people are too.

Everybody I've known has made me happy, some by coming and some by going.

- © 2007 by Willy
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P.S., in either case, the best is yet to come!
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Focus

I've been noticing a few things lately. For one, for the last year or two I have not been able to focus on what I'm doing.

It's not so bad at work, since I've been doing the same type of work for many, many years... but outside of work it's been difficult to focus, to problem solve and to think rationally. For instance, the heat got to me last Summer, and so this past Spring, right after my fiance and I split, I replaced the 17-year-old air conditioner, since it was throwing breakers while I was at work and I'd end up having trouble sleeping in the heat.

There's nothing wrong with that story until I add that last year I also had to have the roof replaced, and they took out the 4 attic power vents and replaced them with passive ridge vents. Blam! Two and two now do add to four, don't it. I probably could have just added 4 new power vents instead of a new a/c, which is exactly what I've got to do anyway, since the new bigger a/c couldn't keep up this Summer anyway! Oh, well... that was an old a/c anyway.

Other examples abound, I'm discovering.

Hope your thinking is rational!

-text © 2007 by Willy
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