Dallas Waxing Eloquently

OK, so I've weightlifted with my buddy Dallas for twenty years now. He's usually quiet but every now and then the Holy Spirit comes out and he gets philosophical. That happened tonight.

I mentioned that I did not want to hurt this massage therapist's feelings and Dallas responded with "Did you miss your first day of Codependents Anonymous? Where you stood up and said 'Hi, I'm Willy, and I am not responsible for anybody else's feelings.'" "Oh!" I said, "Let me write that down... that's good," as I reached for my cell phone while he did some reps.

That wound him up and he hardly paused, continuing, "I remember Doctor Smith telling me the three different types of dependency:"

Lord, I trust you to take care of me, and not some other things or people. - Prayer of the dependent.

Lord I trust you to take care of me, and not me take care of me. - Prayer of the overly independent.

Lord I trust you to take care of the people that you bring into my life, and not me take care of them (don't be quick to take care of them). - Prayer of the Codependent.

"Unconditional love is a fantasy. People can't do it. Can only get it from God. God desires to fill my vacuum. People try to fill it with drugs, sex, money, muscles and etc." Amen to that, brother.

Co-Co-dependents

Tomorrow night I'll be attending my co-dependent group's Christmas party. A very interesting and terrific set of people with the same problem... and thus much in common with me. I normally avoid parties, but I look forward to seeing John, Chad and the rest of the entertainers.


They say a pessimist sees a glass half-empty, an optimist half-full, but the kind and giving person... a co-dependent... looks for someone who might be thirsty. My challenge has been to properly channel this character feature, and my support group has helped me do this. I constantly ask myself "And whose need is that?" and remind myself to "Detach." Life has been easier lately, although it had been both heartbreaking and wonderful. Some days I fought for my life, just like everyone else, but I've lived it fully.


- © 2009 by Willy

P.S., the codependent crossed the road to help the chicken make a decision, so watch 'em cars if you're one of us.

It's In My Nature

A scorpion asks a frog for help crossing a river. Intimidated by the scorpion's prominent stinger, the frog demurs. "Don't be scared," the scorpion says. "If something happens to you, I'll drown." Moved by this logic, the frog puts the scorpion on his back and wades into the river. Halfway across, the scorpion stings the frog.

The dying frog croaks, "How could you? You know you'll drown!"

"It's in my nature," gasps the sinking scorpion.

_______________

This fable of The Scorpion and The Frog is also a lesson on misplaced trust, on the limits of logic, on not escaping the insuppressible nature of things, and more:

What was the incentive for the frog to even entertain help carry that scorpion? NONE! It was not just the scorpion's nature that's in question here but more so it is the frog's nature to blame. That frog should not have helped in such an event with a clear eventuality. Wasn't this the co-dependency on the frog's part that sank them both? YES!

It is what it is, I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam. THIS co-dependent frog must question everything. I must fight my nature and do just my own... cross the river solo, and not help the scorpions. Kindness has its limits, clearly, and so I have my demons to fight.


- text © 2009 by Willy

Reciprocal Altruism

People are basically selfish. It's take, take, and take... and me, me and me.

Psychologists use the term Reciprocal Altruism to describe the behavior of those people who overcome that tendency towards selfishness and work together. "We tend to extend help to others on the understanding that some other will expend a few resources to save us," says psychologist Andrew Shatte.

Expert on resilience psychology might or might not agree but it seems to this engineer that eventually the giver quits giving unless he feels others are giving back. Does this also describe co-dependency? Yes, the co-dependent does look for something back, usually words of gratitude, otherwise the co-dependency relationship eventually becomes unstable, a solution is sought and detachment is obtained, resulting in the peace necessary to heal the wounded soul.

Yes, sometimes love leaves softly. Accept it.

Example: One of our Habitat houses became a crack house, and volunteers dried up for quite a while.

I'm starting to catch on to psychology.

Freud rocks!


- text © 2009 by Willy



P.S., Reciprocal Altruism is many-on-many (or one-on-many) and co-dependency is one-on-one, and thus a similar tie-in between a peacegame (opposite of a wargame) and the Prisoner's Dilemma.

Blessings

"May you live in interesting times."

This ancient Confucian curse is sometimes misunderstood as a blessing by the inexperienced young. Us old farts know better. Having had a life full of "interesting" times, we seek the simplicity of yore. If we're blessed, we eventually attain this state of being, and are truly thankful of such.

It helps to think positive, but blessings are in the eye of the beholder, as one man's trash is another's blessing. "After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing after all as wanting" (Star Trek's Spock). Not only is everything relative to each other but also to time.

For a youngster, we should wish that lack and struggle only serve to make them stronger.

A blessing to middle-aged people is a wish that every doubt and fear be replaced by a deep abiding trust as they observe evidence of a higher being all around them.

A blessing to solitary old geezers is to tell them to be aware that they are loved beyond measure. But I'll take any kind of attention whatsoever, having no shame.


- © 2009 by Willy

Hardest Thing

What's the hardest thing I've ever had to get out of my mind? A relationship? Substance abuse? Money? Youth? Impetuousness?

An obsessive relationship. Being OCD is bad but having OCD over another person is just terrible. To the other, it is off-putting, whereas to me it may be called love. And what is it that makes one relationship different and obsessive over others? Over all the many (romantic or otherwise) relationships in my life, how many have been obsessive, and why? It seems to be normal to be obsessive a time or two, maybe with the wife (note this is not limited to lust nor love, but it's about obssesiveness). And what if the wife doesn't reciprocate? Ah... then I've lost power over that relationship, and learned there is correlation between obsesiveness (or love) and co-dependency!

This is logical... but obsessiveness is emotional. The solution here is to pull the damn cork off my mind and let all these OCD thoughts out.



- © 2009 by Willy

Why Are We Here?

I'm thoroughly disgusted. The shallow-and-selfish have ruled me much too long, and have thrashed me in doing so... from broken heart to broken retirement... but the worse injury is that they have broken my spirit. I'm sick and tired of it... I'm mad as hell, and I won't take it any more!

Let me back up. Our real purpose may be love in action. This includes contributing to others through kindness... thus serving others. I know that this is not a popular activity... matter of fact, you're seen as an idiot for doing so among the shallow-and-selfish... but then look at the shape we're in due to them.

Arthur H. Prince stated that the purpose of life is not to be happy. The purpose of life is to matter, to be productive, to have it make some difference that we have lived at all.

I agree with that, but if THEY don't contribute, what good are they? And if we're here to contribute to others, then what is the purpose of those others we contribute to? Why are THEY here? OK, so, either EVERYBODY contributes, or I quit them!

In the case of the financial sector, and as stewards of the public dollar, it's the obligation of government to exercise due diligence to protect the common wealth and serve the public good. This is something much lacking lately. Advocates of servicing the public need are not doing their job, so I'm withdrawing from all Wall Streeters, big bankers and their ilk.

Withdrawing? What? Well, I won't take it any more. I'll say no to the greedy gunk that have been controlling our destiny and getting rich at our expense. I won't give them my dollar and enable their bad behavior. I've been gradually withdrawing from financial sector markets into less risky and more tangible assets. Not only that but I have been simplifying my life and cutting down on buying... by fixing, finding a used one, reducing consumption or making do without.

I will be kind to others, but I will also closely monitor their behavior, and will disengage when I see a lack of reciprocity. I will play the well-known solution to the Prisoner's Dilemma (see Scientific American, starting circa 1982). I will be Nice, Clear, Provocable and Forgiving... and continuously observe and monitor them. If they don't contribute, I'm firing them.

I'm now dealing with my co-dependence to a much grander scale. This is going to mend my spirit. The financial sector and other shallow-and-selfish can kiss my $.

- © 2008 by Willy
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Mistakes

There are many stories about unintentional pregnancies due to the risk of contraceptive failure. In one case, the girl confessed to her OB/GYN that she had always viewed pregnant single girls as either incredibly stupid or incredibly selfish, to which he responded "Or they’re incredibly human."

I'm less obvious, but I carry all sorts of baggage, including old mistakes... stupid, emotional and selfish, but human. I've been lucky in that I've recovered, however, I may be blind to my own faults while eager to point out their sins to others. Very human.

I hate somebody else trying to control me and change me. One of my sins may be that since I want to control my own life, I may extend control to those around me in some sense or in part. I don't mean to do this, but the difference between controlling myself and controlling my immediate environment is fuzzy indeed.

I am thankful for being just the way I am, and thus I have to be thankful for them being just the way they are too, no matter what. We are all intentionally diverse. It's a lie to think we're not good enough. Whether we're going to get through life or not is all up to each of us... not just me. There's a lot of healing in letting go... the acceptance of others.... and concentrating on fixing myself.

Just don't encroach into my environment.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change... courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.


- © 2008 by Willy
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Fright Night

My support group's moderator had an election night party last week, which, following that close to Halloween, was dubbed the Fright Night.

I am not a party person, but I looked forward to it and went. I was not surprised to find a huge variety of very entertaining people who were fighting or had fought some devil within. This is my second foray with this group... the first a dozen years ago... so I knew these folk and it was definitely not expected to be a meat market.

It's been obvious to me that I will continue to meet with this group, long term. Just like I understand the good in my core values, I also admit to my inability to deal with many people and the periodic conflict inherent there... for life. I accept myself unconditionally, where I am.

I am not unique, but just part of the population. Although I have cousins blessed with long and rewarding marriages, there are also those like me... that have escaped the surly bonds of endearment. What makes the difference is the same traits, philosophy and perhaps subjectiveness as to Why We're Here.

Cousin Carlos... saint Carlos... was able to deal with my mother in a way I could not. On the other hand, cousin Alberto was good to me but terrible with his own son and daughter.

I love good people but can't tolerate fools. In between these extremes is my problem. I'll never figure out people but I can live among them to a limited amount. I will continue to learn as a necessity and as a curiosity. People are now under my microscope.

- © 2008 by Willy
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Clarity

I realized a few years ago that I need better clarity.

My glasses must need a new prescription, because I hadn't been able to see things well... otherwise I wouldn't have gotten in the trouble I was in.

Then I thought that it was my thinking that was skewed... somehow or other, maybe my brain wasn't working properly.

Could it be, I thought, that it was just my hormones overriding my brain? Thinking with the little head, I heard my son once say.

Surely, this woman, who said she loved me, must be right... there was something wrong with me, she often said, in different ways, over and over again. I couldn't do anything right!

I came to the slow realization that it wasn't me. The problem was her! Oh, shit! She had moved in with me! I had given her a ring! And now what?

So, back to the beginning I went, realizing that I need better clarity all right. It was The Ex's glasses that were broken, and it was The Ex that wasn't thinking right. Her frequent accusations were really about her and her behavior... it was her that was shallow and self-centered, and it was her that just didn't care... she was just around for the free ride.

It was all about her, but I was the provider. I was doing her a disservice by providing, since she needed to stand up on her own two feet and take care of herself, and I needed the clarity obtained by being by myself. So, it took a long while, but provoked by her inviting men over, I asked her to leave and did us both a favor.

I'm sure she's found another provider since. However, I will never run the chance of getting another bitch again.

It's easy to see in hindsight.

- © 2008 by Willy
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Co-Dependency Tool

When I told my close buddies that I've been doing the 12 steps at Co-Dependents Anonymous, they thought I either had some sort of drinking problem or was dancing Texas cowboy style.

A co-dependent is somebody who provides for a dependent, where that dependent should take care of him/herself and the co-dependent should mind his own business. However, like other things, it's not that simple. Us daddy/mamas are naturally co-dependents when we grow up our babies, and have to moderate and then stop as they grow up and out... and switch to nurturing.

Also, there's subjective judgment about the dependent's capabilities, and many other excuses and false reasoning to co-depend.

Co-dependency happens with relationships, romantic or otherwise. For instance, John, as moderator of my Co-Dependents Anonymous group is himself a co-dependent to the dependent group... of course!

A summary solution of co-dependency is that I must always make the choice that brings me peace and serenity, which is to detach.

Occurring often in relationships for a co-dependent is the quandary on how to nurture but yet not be co-dependent. Fluffy (see comments) has a great short and sweet point when she said that the successful nurturer always keeps him/herself separate from the person being nurtured. When you start confusing your needs with the other's needs, you are in trouble.

I'd better add that to my tool chest... the mental image of a nun slapping a yarstick on a desk saying "AND WHOSE NEED IS THAT?"

It's going to help!

- © 2008 by Willy
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Nurturing

Does your significant other need reinforcement? Tell her you love her and give her a tight hug, and vice versa.

Yeah, right... wish it was that easy!

There are Nurturers lurking out there. And if you find a good one, you're a lucky dog, because there aren't enough to go around. These people have a gift from God... they ARE a gift from God. Their words do to your mind about what a good deep massage does to your body. Notice that there is correlation between nurturing and a positive attitude, a friendly smile, and a hug at just the right time. It would make sense to understand them and perhaps borrow their gift... to nurture others. But it also might be a bad mistake, since it might drive you into a few co-dependencies, which will require you to go to a Co-Dependents Anon group, seriously.



Back in the beginning, it was obvious that a new dependent baby needs nurturing, but sometime in its life it also needs to be kicked out of the nest to fly on its own. [An aside: I'm a grampa!]



Questions: What happens in between? What happens afterwards? How do you nurture and yet not become a co-dependent? And the biggest question of all is how does the nurturer get nurturing in time of need (since we're all human and even Superman falls to kryptonite).

The obvious answer to the latter is that the nurturer needs another nurturer. Answers to the former are not as simple, but are based upon the fact that I can't do it all for everybody.

The fact that a nurturer needs another nurturer should give us a clue. Life is too short to waste, so love the people that treat you right and detach from the ones that drain you. Thus, keep your thinking positive, hang around the right people and be ready with a hug.

Some people matter and always will. Some never did and never will.

Yeah, it CAN be that easy!

- © 2008 by Willy

Want Vs. Need

We all want to be loved, nurtured & respected.

But, like happiness, I must take it as it comes rather than look for it, otherwise the cost and complexity would overwhelm me... that is, to be true to myself, I'd rather receive the lowest dosage of what I want. The right choice to make is that which brings me peace and serenity. I must temper kindness and generosity with the need to be selfish enough not to be a codependent.

Opportunity and temptation are everywhere.

I gotta be me. I yam what I yam.

- © 2008 by Willy
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My Song

A bird does not sing because it has an answer... it sings because it has a song.

That's just the way he is, and that's all he is.

So, what am I? Even though I have an answer, no matter the question, can I shut up and sing instead? What is my song?

I am unrivalled in technical matters, but am lousy at and a co-dependent in romantic relationships, and am working on it. My goals are to accept the past and to avoid worry and regret for today.

My song is a litany of success in technical contributions and tutelage. I'm kind and helpful to others. I motivate, tutor, mentor, teach and otherwise educate others to stand on their own two feet, grow and contribute... whether at home, work, college, societies, church, gym, bike, trail, or store. I do sometimes have trouble recognizing that I can't teach a pig to sing, but it eventually dawns on me. I'm sold on doing acts of kindness because I have received them myself, but expect nothing in return other than my own enjoyment.

I like my song, and I'm a happy man. I have an awful lot to sing about: the great career with work I enjoy, living in a terrific part of the country that permits hiking and biking to the max, control over my life, and great friends and family.

[The reader (me!) should remember that I continue to sort out how I feel from different perspectives, and thus the apparent repetition. I'm going to get it right, yet. This is, after all, my therapy.]

- text © 2008 by Willy

P.S., "I gotta be me!" -Sammy Davis Jr.

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Character

Character, it is said, is what you are when nobody's looking.

So, just what is it you are... when everybody's looking?

I just returned home from an interesting geek conference. A narrow-field technical group that gossips about what has gone wrong, what they did about it, and what's coming next. Being a cross-section of nerds, there were the good ones and the bad ones. There were the lazy ones and the hardworking ones. Some were helpful and some were not. Most were there for networking in some form or another, and there was a lot of job shopping. But they were all... interesting... in some way or other. And they were all characters.

A hundredsome of us stayed cooped up all day in a big motel conference room, voluntarily, for a solid week. Most went off to spend the evenings eating, drinking... and networking. Reminded me of the opposite of an ant colony, since most were not workers but rather were looking to use the information and work of the others. Their success at work was based upon networking.

During the offtime, I went to the gym next door instead. I've been successful because I do and I contribute... not because I use interesting others. I'm not controversial and I blend in, but I lead. I volunteered to host the conference in two years.

I've been... doing... since I was 11, whereas others have been carried. That's what I am.

I yam' what I yam'
and that's all that I yam'.

That's my "character," whether somebody's looking or not.

- © 2007 by Willy
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Behavior Modification

I'm not perfect by a long shot, but I'm not bad either. Besides being a skeptic and intolerant of fools, my real problem seems to be being a Codependent. I try too much to take care of people to the point that they avail themselves of me instead of growing up and being responsible, thus I draw dependents. I'm going to a support group, and this time I'm sticking with it, just like I've got to stay at the gym for life.

Yes, I'm a skeptic. I do believe that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, and thus I've got to abstain. I have a 2x4 at office and another at home, prominently displayed, with signed instructions to hit me with it if I get into another romantic relationship. I call it my Correction Stick. It also should keep away the femme fatales, unless they take it as a challenge or a game.

I hope this combination of support group, whack motivation, and dependent repellent does the trick.

- © 2007 by Willy

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Dependent Independence

Are you independent or a dependent?

Wikipedia does not show a listing for Independence other than for a nation. On the other hand, it lists a Dependent as "One who relies on another for support ."

Do you get free rent? Right, you are a dependent. Do you bother others for rides or whatever? Do you depend on the generosity of kindhearted people around you? Do you spend more than you earn? Then you are definitely a dependent!

Would you rather do what you want regardless of what it does to others? Regardless of what you should be doing? Now you are irresponsible, not independent.

Would you rather do what you want regardless of your significant other? And control him, telling him what to do, and where to turn? Being difficult? Not compromising? Criticize him about everything? Praising other men's virtues to his face? Inviting other men over to the house? Never giving a shit about him? Just there for the free ride? Then you are a fraud, abusive, cruel and disgusting, but you are not independent.


Do you steal your significant other's prescriptions? If so, you are not just a dependent, but a criminal.

Finally, do you get along in life based upon your looks? Your cuteness? Your innocence? Your... dependency?

And those kindhearted, giving people around you are called Co-dependents. Sooner or later, they will get tired of you taking and not giving. They will see you for what you are, mutual self-deception notwithstanding. They will tire of putting up with your shit, no matter how cute you are. Even those who love you will eventually leave you.

You would be independent if you are able to stand on your own two feet. If you'd spend less than you earn, earn more than you spend (a solution is to get a degree and then a better job, and/or quit spending!). Maybe if you'd contribute in some way... by taking good care of house and home, by supporting your significant other with a kind, positive, giving, loving, attitude, honestly share your feelings, and live up to your commitments, with no deception.

I have no illusions here... to a certain extent I too am dependent on others. Even though I am a man of many talents, I do not remotely know it all or can do it all. I do depend on customers, coworkers, the government, the grocer, the doctor and the baker... to a degree. But I contribute significantly to them too. This is called interdependence. I enjoy my friendships without being a bother or a bore, and I detest those who are.

I contribute. Do you?

-©2007 by Willy
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