Adjusting My Mind

I have always been physically tough, but not so much emotionally. My daughter figured me out. Earlier this year, she stated it: I live like a monk for five or ten years, then date and get hurt and go back to another five or ten years of living like a monk.

Body and mind are a package. When the mind is broken, the body suffers.

My daughter is right... I am no good at romantic relationships, but I have many good friends instead. Hopefully, old friends don't play cruel singles games. I could write a book but TV has captured them... like the one that went and screwed an old boyfriend and came back and bragged to me about it. Purely a daytime TV soap.

I'm no angel. Nobody's perfect and we all have baggage, but at least let's not associate with devils. Let's leave the poisonous snakes alone.

I've been adjusting my thinking to control my passions. I keep it inside my pants. I hug friends but do not cop a feel. This adjustment is kind of like the chiropractor does... cracks the bones of my mind.

I don't have to wade through bull to find what an old friend's problems are... I just have to accept and accommodate. I've seen my friends when they are a mess due to divorce, sickness, birth or circumstances. Most of us have some degree of neurosis, psychosis, schizophrenia and bipolar/mania/depression. However, I am blessed with kind friends, and I like them... otherwise we wouldn't be friends. The question of whether they can be tolerated is made easy by the fact that I'm not living with them. And, my tolerance to anger has been zero: bitch me out once and it's goodbye forever, so my current friends have passed through some sieve already.

I've worked at this and feel like I've got it but I proceed cautiously. I want good quality for the rest of my years. Adjusting my mind will take care of my body, so I can train.



-copyright 2014 by Willy

Sing Song

"Love me tender, love me sweet, never let me go..."

I've been hearing that refrain all day, perhaps due to my noticing of tomorrow's play of the 1956 Elvis movie on the tube. I whistled it continuously during my long Thanksgiving day before-dinner hike today.

When I was a kid... before Elvis... my mother sang a fairly similar lullaby. I felt very cuddled in hearing it. In turn, I hummed this Elvis tune to my kids to relax them at bedtime. Not only that, but I still self-medicate to this ditty. Lullabies are meant to function just so, and work amazingly well.

I'm in the midst of some turmoil: A nutty young punk threatened to beat me up and has evoked memories of early school bullies. I've been sleeping with a shotgun, and Elvis calms me down.

Or perhaps I was hearing God's lullaby.

Prayers can be the darnest things... whistling a lullaby!

More conventional: "For exercise to calm the body and prayer to calm the mind, I am truly thankful, amen."

It's best to accept the situation, prepare for a possible eventuality, and go through channels... calmly.


- non-Elvis text © 2011 by Willy

Having Let Go

Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. I saw my ex at the gym this week... haven't seen her in 3 years... and, yes, she's obese, and she ignored me (most fortunate for me).

Thinking back, it was tough to let go, especially since I was in love, am somewhat obsessive-compulsive and definitely co-dependent.

It's been stated that chronic lying is not a habit... it's a manifestation of a significant character flaw, and nothing will get rid of it. Lies were either verbalized lies coming out of her mouth or omissions due to her passive-aggressive personality. It's also been stated that sociopathy is a personality disorder for which a lot of shrinks believe there is no cure. You can't grow a conscience. It was either accept her as is or let her go.

Unfortunately, I had given her a ring and she had moved in. Problems started in three weeks. The turning point was to recognize her cruelty. When the stupor of love exited, I realized my problem. This allowed me to respond back with what she considered offensive... with what worked for the last guy, which was a breakthrough. It took years. Looking back, I should have let her go much earlier... but I finally did, and am the better for it.

I am delighted with today.

-© 2010 by Willy

P.S., this at the 3-year hindsight perspective.

Conflicts

You know this: Many relationships are based on a struggle that reflect the conflict between facing the painful realities of insincerity and desperately wanting to keep the hope alive of what the relationship could have been. It's tough to reconcile the fairy tale with the cold tactics of unfaithfulness. At this stage the relationship is out of control and begging or other one-sided displays of emotion really means nothing to the other except to indicate that it is they, not us, who are in control, and there really is no hope to be treated well.

Well, life is no fairy tale. When is it over? In hindsight, insincerity and infidelity should always define the end of a relationship. Giving the benefit of the doubt does not extend forever. We are what we are, and don't change our spots. Listen for the hate tones, open your eyes to the cruelty and trust outside observers. Took me too long, but I finally quit. Best way to fix it? Don't get into one to begin with. That's been my resolution... and my prayer.

- © 2009 by Willy

Fears

I have my fears, like everybody else. My fears don't drive me but detour me.

I'm afraid of doing too much for the dependant types out there, because they will never learn how to take care of themselves or others. And what a world we'd have if everybody was in lululand and nobody knew how to take care. Oh... we're there already!

I'm afraid of some people's unlimited appetite for cruelty. I can't ever predict what people are going to do... but I do know for certain that intimates have screwed up my life. I know that intimates started nice but eventually demanded control and pressed every button to be cruel and mentally abusive. Machines can't be cruel or abusive.

I'm afraid to love again, fall in unrequited love again, and get depressed again. This last honey about killed me with "love."

I'm afraid of being forced into a lack of continuity... like getting abandoned by friends or family, having to move, losing my memories due to fire, having to change jobs, and the like.

Isn't everyone afraid?

Scientists at Tokyo University say they were able to successfully switch off a mouse's instinct to cower at the smell or presence of cats - showing that fear is genetically hardwired and not learned through experience, as commonly believed.

Saint Thomas Aquinas said that hopelessness and despair are the devil's main weapon against us.

In order to fight these fears, I have to remember to allow the dependents to hit bottom and pick themselves up; to give up romantic relationships and just stick with friends; to provide continuity to my kids, family and friends; to continue to do the best I can possibly do; to continue to invite God into my life and look for His tokens of love for me.... and to laugh a lot.

I'm not afraid of any physical crash and burn situation, just the mental ones.

Psychologists justifiably make their fortunes on fear and depression.


- © 2007 by Willy
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Nightmares

I have had a few recurring nightmares. When I was a young man, I worried about my work responsibilities in getting my engineering projects to succeed, and at home in raising and supporting a family.

From day one I was in a hurry to fly, even though my wings were just not there yet. I concentrated and tried sooo hard! Consistency, time and patience helped... I eventually did grow the wings and I soared with eagles... or at least other swan.

Nowadays my work worries are non-technical... getting everyone covered... and my immediate home stresses are to get on with my life.

One recent personal concern is how close I came to marrying my ex. She appeared innocent but was horrid. A profligate spender, she drove me crazy with demands and criticism, wanting everything her way with no compromise. I was insignificant to her. My recurring nightmares of finding a stranger in the house were based upon her inviting other men over, which was the last straw in a series of cruelties. Who gave her the right to be cruel to me? With her actions she hurt me but set me free. If I had married her, I would have put a gun to my head, which is exactly what she wanted, in issue being my will. How did I fall in love with THAT? And how do I prevent this nightmare from happening again?

I guess that we all stumble in some sort of way. We're not perfect. In mind and in body sometimes we stumble because of somebody else and sometimes it's our own fault. And when we do, it's usually painful. One solution is to stop the world and get off, quit dealing with people and go solo here too. In running, bicycling and triathlons, there's usually a crash at the last hundred yards to the finish line... if you are racing with other people. It seems, no matter what, that emotions and exuberance take over from the rational thinking process... and we crash and burn. Stumbling, in general, is a common concern and nightmare of mine and of many others.

Others have nightmares too. Another recurring nightmare shows me the results of somebody's lack of planning at work. I am a very good planner and even better multiplexer, which is why I am so busy with multiple tasks (I wear 5 hats), and can't understand somebody else's lack of planning. My workday is an orchestrated daylong heart attack, with little time to catch my breath before some "problem" pops into my office needing their shit unclogged. Most of these disasters could have been avoided if the guy had thought ahead to look around and plan. I now have several rolls of toilet paper in my office to hand out to THOSE people. I also tell them that lack of planning on their part does not constitute an emergency on my part. Let them have their own nightmares, instead of passing them to me.

Solutions? Besides going it solo, plan, and not be a co-dependent... two things I do to fight my nightmares are my daily prayers and my weekly massage. Massage is heaven on earth. Not only does it help my mind's anxieties, but also it fixes my beat-up body. I couldn't do my hiking, riding and lifting without it. Thanks, Jan.

Freud said that every dream is a wish. In between nightmares... in between tough parts of my life... I do have some wonderful, warm, peaceful dreams and great sleep. I have started to get these again, my favorite being slowly flying above nature's majesty. I wish for peace and calmness, solo.


- some of this © 2007 by Willy

We Give What We Have

To him who only owns a hammer, every problem looks like a nail (Maslow).

In a relationship, we can only give what we have, and we can only expect what they are. Funny how we forget this.

I'm not sad at past behavior. I accept it, and even embrace it. It's funny to think back that what I was expecting just wasn't in her... my ex... all she owned was a hammer, literally.

I was deeply in love with her, but she wasn't. There was no "we." Based upon her words and actions, she felt nothing for me. How about "You through with me yet?" or her praise of a waiter's muscles, or inviting men over to the house... and there were other cruelties.

We had it all. The relationship should have been good but instead it was twisted and distorted. She never had the concept of "we" because she was incapable... it couldn't be changed, so it couldn't be saved.

I pray for the serenity to accept the things I cannot change... courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Another restatement is that I can't change the wind, but I can adjust my sails. And the redneck restatement is that you can't teach a pig to sing...it wastes your time, and it annoys the pig. That pig don't sing and she never will.

She was so believable because she was the most self-deceptive person I've ever know. Also, because I wanted it to work. Unfortunately, I was living a fantasy.

Academics at Denver University have developed a theory of commitment that says, essentially, that the best relationships are those in which two people see themselves as us more than as you and me. They make sacrifices for each other, and give priority to each other’s needs. In other words, relationship commitment is all about "we," not independence. No surprise here!

On a related issue... anger turned inwards is depression. After grieving, my anger resulted in bad thinking... and bad emotional and physical health. So, I am staying calm, serene and peaceful. I forgive them because I don't want their poison to continue to affect me... I'd rather they succumb to their own. I believe there is justice in this world and that she's going to get hers eventually. In reality, being shallow and self-centered, she moved on years ago, and maybe I haven't. However, I'm back to doing what's right, without compromise, and focusing to think the right thoughts. Life is definitely good, and most people are too.

Everybody I've known has made me happy, some by coming and some by going.

- © 2007 by Willy
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P.S., in either case, the best is yet to come!
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Dependent Independence

Are you independent or a dependent?

Wikipedia does not show a listing for Independence other than for a nation. On the other hand, it lists a Dependent as "One who relies on another for support ."

Do you get free rent? Right, you are a dependent. Do you bother others for rides or whatever? Do you depend on the generosity of kindhearted people around you? Do you spend more than you earn? Then you are definitely a dependent!

Would you rather do what you want regardless of what it does to others? Regardless of what you should be doing? Now you are irresponsible, not independent.

Would you rather do what you want regardless of your significant other? And control him, telling him what to do, and where to turn? Being difficult? Not compromising? Criticize him about everything? Praising other men's virtues to his face? Inviting other men over to the house? Never giving a shit about him? Just there for the free ride? Then you are a fraud, abusive, cruel and disgusting, but you are not independent.


Do you steal your significant other's prescriptions? If so, you are not just a dependent, but a criminal.

Finally, do you get along in life based upon your looks? Your cuteness? Your innocence? Your... dependency?

And those kindhearted, giving people around you are called Co-dependents. Sooner or later, they will get tired of you taking and not giving. They will see you for what you are, mutual self-deception notwithstanding. They will tire of putting up with your shit, no matter how cute you are. Even those who love you will eventually leave you.

You would be independent if you are able to stand on your own two feet. If you'd spend less than you earn, earn more than you spend (a solution is to get a degree and then a better job, and/or quit spending!). Maybe if you'd contribute in some way... by taking good care of house and home, by supporting your significant other with a kind, positive, giving, loving, attitude, honestly share your feelings, and live up to your commitments, with no deception.

I have no illusions here... to a certain extent I too am dependent on others. Even though I am a man of many talents, I do not remotely know it all or can do it all. I do depend on customers, coworkers, the government, the grocer, the doctor and the baker... to a degree. But I contribute significantly to them too. This is called interdependence. I enjoy my friendships without being a bother or a bore, and I detest those who are.

I contribute. Do you?

-©2007 by Willy
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