Wells and Relationship Rules

Yes, everybody's different. Some people don't miss the water until the well runs dry. Then some other people keep looking for new, multiple wells... And never have to worry about water. Likewise, some people just leave dry wells as their legacy in life... suck the life out of their relationships, then discard the bodies.

So how can a relationship of two people ever succeed? Can two people agree to anything at all in order to have a long-term relationship, or are we resigned to a series of long dates or short marriages?

Hell, I haven't done it well, but there are some overlaps or commonalities in the volumes of books out there that may constitute basic rules.

- You have to at least like... if not love... the other, and be enthusiastic about him/her. If you're just after getting a paid ride, go get welfare, not a lover.

- You have to be compatible and honest to develop trust. If one of you steals the other's prescription pills, there is not a chance in hell to even start a relationship, because there will be no trust. Trust in God and in each other. Without trust, there is nothing. If you have nothing...

- There has to be an understanding about exclusiveness. Open relationships imply no commitment, and there is no trust and no care... you're just roommates. If you're just playing with a bunch of people to see what you can get, I hope you get what's coming to you.

- Give. Contribute! If one gives and the other takes, the giver will get sick of it when the infatuation smoke clears. And I mean giving love and caring, no matter what, with no conditions. Yes, a real tough one and the one that may break it long-term.

- Give the benefit of the doubt and always assume positive intent. Have a positive attitude and positive expectation about your relationship. No faultfinding. No fixing. No jabs. No punishment. No yelling but no passive-aggressive shit either. Absolutely essential.

- Communicate often how you feel and what to do, since you're a couple now, not independent operators... the other should matter. This does not mean tell him or her what to do, nor demand things from the other, it means coordinate to do things with and spend time with each other.

- Respect the other, and his/her wishes. Put them high in your priorities. Don't take him/her for granted. Don't change him/her... instead take him/her as they are. Limit the amount of stuff you ask them to do and to change, or they will resent that. But if this doesn't come from within, you'd better address it quickly (Is she using you? Are you using her?).

- Commit to be together. If you expect the relationship to fail, it will. If you go day-by-day, it might do that. If you are just using him/her until you can find somebody better, you're disgusting and should put yourself away. Machines such as bikes don't do that, ad notwithstanding.


- © 2008 by Willy

Fright Night

My support group's moderator had an election night party last week, which, following that close to Halloween, was dubbed the Fright Night.

I am not a party person, but I looked forward to it and went. I was not surprised to find a huge variety of very entertaining people who were fighting or had fought some devil within. This is my second foray with this group... the first a dozen years ago... so I knew these folk and it was definitely not expected to be a meat market.

It's been obvious to me that I will continue to meet with this group, long term. Just like I understand the good in my core values, I also admit to my inability to deal with many people and the periodic conflict inherent there... for life. I accept myself unconditionally, where I am.

I am not unique, but just part of the population. Although I have cousins blessed with long and rewarding marriages, there are also those like me... that have escaped the surly bonds of endearment. What makes the difference is the same traits, philosophy and perhaps subjectiveness as to Why We're Here.

Cousin Carlos... saint Carlos... was able to deal with my mother in a way I could not. On the other hand, cousin Alberto was good to me but terrible with his own son and daughter.

I love good people but can't tolerate fools. In between these extremes is my problem. I'll never figure out people but I can live among them to a limited amount. I will continue to learn as a necessity and as a curiosity. People are now under my microscope.

- © 2008 by Willy
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Touchstones

I'm visiting family this weekend, centered on my eightynine year old aunt Melita... the last of the elders of a large, tightly knit, ethnic family, now in assisted living... a place she calls her cushy prison. Today we had brunch at a nice ethnic restaurant and went sightseeing along old traunts. Also visited Delia, a cousin with Alzheimer's. Tomorrow, we have brunch at Caloli's (one cousin) and dinner at Carolina's (another cousin).

I am not used to the rapid and multiple conversations of my old cultural family group... sometimes they talk and listen to three conversations simultaneously... it's like having had a dozen cups of coffee, so even though I thoroughly enjoy them, I also enjoy the peace and quiet of my motel room afterwards.

Monday, I have all to myself, so I'm renting a bicycle to retrace some of my childhood rides... newspaper routes, school routes, and church routes, mostly... there was no family nor personal car 'till college, and I was and still am very hyperactive, independent and adventuresome, so I rode everywhere, in all weather.

What I am and do now is just an extension of what I was and did as a kid. There have been gradual evolutionary improvements, but no radical changes. From bringing home discarded TVs for parts to designing high-tech equipment, and from toys to the real things. I've avoided people all the way. I am what I am, and have always been. And aunt Melita is a touchstone I use to measure not only how far I've gone but if I've stayed on course. She'd tell me if I don't notice... and so would my many cousins.

My life's always been in forward motion, and will continue to be... quite the chicane.

- © 2008 by Willy
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Almost missed it!

I had the Scheduled Task set wrong for the time change from Daylight Savings Time today, and almost missed the sunset.

I've been celebrating sundown, when possible. No, I'm not Jewish or Celt and don't live in Key West either. I just want to thank God for another beautiful day, and thus another opportunity to contribute. Life is all about contributing. The purpose of life is to matter, to be productive, to have it make some difference that you lived at all.

I live on the side of a mountain and the sunsets are gorgeous. Years ago, my son used to say that I should record these sunsets. My response to him was that there was no reason for that... there's a new sunset every evening and thus there's a new opportunity every day.

Let me stress that... there are new opportunities every day. Just like there is a new bus every 15 minutes. I do keep having to remind myself of this.


- © 2008 by Willy
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