Cancer

Life reminded me who is in charge: I have Stage 3 or 4 Lymphoma cancer in my back. I can't walk.

I'm not that tough, after all.

It snuck up quick and silent, mascarading as a typical back-ache and scoliosis... six weeks ago. Six weeks!

At first, I did more yoga, then the upside-down traction table, then went to the Chiropractor four times, then my GP doctor and finally a referral to the back specialist who sent me to the cancer doctor. The pain was unbearable. 

All this with friends taking and helping me, and my best friend interceding. 

I was lucky that there was that new, freshly-graduated star waiting in the wings, or I'd be dead by now. She is one smart cookie cancer doctor. And even more hyperactive than me! I am also lucky to have unbelievable great friends helping me.

Have had several Radiation treatments. Yesterday had my first Chemo... all day long. Will have more of everything before the next Chemo "bullet" in three weeks.

As it is, I'm starting this tough struggle quite late, and don't know where I'll end up. More humble pie, but perhaps goodbye. Lord, have mercy on me.

- copyright 2014 by Willy

Adjusting My Mind

I have always been physically tough, but not so much emotionally. My daughter figured me out. Earlier this year, she stated it: I live like a monk for five or ten years, then date and get hurt and go back to another five or ten years of living like a monk.

Body and mind are a package. When the mind is broken, the body suffers.

My daughter is right... I am no good at romantic relationships, but I have many good friends instead. Hopefully, old friends don't play cruel singles games. I could write a book but TV has captured them... like the one that went and screwed an old boyfriend and came back and bragged to me about it. Purely a daytime TV soap.

I'm no angel. Nobody's perfect and we all have baggage, but at least let's not associate with devils. Let's leave the poisonous snakes alone.

I've been adjusting my thinking to control my passions. I keep it inside my pants. I hug friends but do not cop a feel. This adjustment is kind of like the chiropractor does... cracks the bones of my mind.

I don't have to wade through bull to find what an old friend's problems are... I just have to accept and accommodate. I've seen my friends when they are a mess due to divorce, sickness, birth or circumstances. Most of us have some degree of neurosis, psychosis, schizophrenia and bipolar/mania/depression. However, I am blessed with kind friends, and I like them... otherwise we wouldn't be friends. The question of whether they can be tolerated is made easy by the fact that I'm not living with them. And, my tolerance to anger has been zero: bitch me out once and it's goodbye forever, so my current friends have passed through some sieve already.

I've worked at this and feel like I've got it but I proceed cautiously. I want good quality for the rest of my years. Adjusting my mind will take care of my body, so I can train.



-copyright 2014 by Willy

Bare Knuckles

I quit wearing gloves.

On one level, I quit wearing bicycle gloves, removed the speedometer/computer and tossed the heart rate monitor. I ride my heavy fat-tire bike... the carbon has been hanging from the ceiling for years. When I hike my usual solo 7-mile trails, I change to boots but wear whatever I have on (dress shirt and pants)... I do not carry water nor food but I do carry a phone. Bare knuckled.

On another level, I do not use an electric toothbrush either. At my shower you'll find a bar of soap and a razor... no shampoo nor bottles of any kind. At my sink is a toothbrush, Water Pic, baby oil and hairbrush. Pretty simple, eh?

There's only beer and popsicles in my fridge. I own no iron, no mixer, nor blender. I seldom use the heat or air conditioning at home, and I open my window at work. Do I live like a monk?

I do not use mosquito spray and I do not wave a stick in front of me to break the spiderwebs on-trail. Spider bites are an acceptable hazard.

Given a choice, I do it the hard way. I do not use work gloves at the farm. I use a hand saw, I use sandpaper in a block, I cut up small trees with a bow saw, and I usually drive a screw with a screwdriver. I have better control this way rather than with motorized tools, and it toughens my hands and joints. Bloody knuckles heal.

The world is fragile.

I do have to be careful, because I'm too strong. I have twisted doorknobs off, destroyed vacuum cleaners, and hurt with a handshake or hug.

Why?

Why do I do things the hard way? Not only do I like the accomplishment, but doing things the hard way is training. I will be able to do these things when I get old... while my buddies can't already. Use it or lose it!

Storms took the power down and a neighbor with a generator invited me to watch TV, but I thanked him and said that a candle and my iPhone will suffice. I do it because I like simplicity.

Although I'm a rocket scientist, I like no frills. The more complex something is, the higher the risk of failure and the lower the reliability. In my old cars, I've cut off many unneeded gadgets, and the cars are aging rather well. I like low risk.

Sooo... why live bare knuckled? Because it improves both my body and my character. A lot of people talk tough, but I live it.


-copyright 2014 by Willy

Happiness... On Relationships

My thinking on relationships... if you want to be with the one that makes you laugh, then you'd better find the levity to make yourself laugh first.

And/or just accept yourself and embrace the simple solitude. If so, then there's nobody to have to compromise with, nobody to distract me from Mother Nature, nobody to take away time with which to meditate... and nobody to ruin a beautiful sunset. That congruence, or lack of it, strikes me as funny.

My daughter pointed out to me that I have these cycles where for five or ten years I behave like a monk, then date somebody and get disgusted, returning to behaving like a monk for five or ten years.

I plan to add some damping to that cycle.

I plan to be happy.


-copyright 2014 by Willy

My Plan

What do I plan to do when I get old? When wrinkles take over? Well, I've never smoked and don't plan to. I will exercise often (but not too intensely) in order to stay tough. I will maintain activities with friends to have a social life but I will avoid mean people. I will eat and drink in moderation, including coffee every morning, to avoid being overweight. I will take a couple of baby aspirin every day to reduce risk. I will not care about wrinkles but will work hard to maintain function. And I will laugh hard and often to avoid depression.

Oh, wait... that's what I already do.


-copyright 2014 by Willy

I Have Grown

As I've gotten older, my life has become more fun. I learned to avoid problems. Life is no longer scary. Kids have gone and so have mothers, wives and other problem relationships.

Surround yourself with the right people in life and things go smooth.

I no longer worry about breaking a leg nor stepping on toes.

I just go.


-copyright 2014 by Willy

Devil or Angel

I have been having a great time for the last year or two with some long-time good friends. They're terrific... smart and capable.... and I enjoy them.

But the devil does show up eventually to mess things up. Relationships are unstable. People are more complex than rocket science... by far.

I am good to the core... no drama, and what you see is what you get. 

Recently, things seemed to be in a fix. Nothing was working... arguing back lengthened it and a calm response did too, silence did not work, and laughing enraged them worse.

I chose.

It is a simple thing I tried: I chose to translate rage as terms of endearment. No matter what they said, I hear "I love you." So, I smile and think back "I love you too," and I mean it.

How can you argue with that? They know I do this, I smile, and the instance is defused.

I can't change them, but I can choose to wear rose-colored glasses to interpret those instances of devil into angel... for my mental health. It's a good way to decline an invitation to an argument. It works... when I remember to do it.

No, I don't know what I do to enrage them, and they can't tell me either. And, yes, I know I'm no angel.

The more usual solution is to just leave.


-text copyright 2014 by Willy.

Life is Too Short

I have figured it out: I've noticed that people at work that do solo work (like coders) have a social life outside of work, but those with people-intensive or team work would rather enjoy nature's solitude.

My office is a Grand Central Station. What is yours? Some people drive me crazy. I know that we need a social structure for good mental health but life is too short to put up with fools. I used to tolerate them but it is better to choose properly and avoid them. At work and elsewhere, seek the happy medium. To me, nature's solitude is a great option.

Keep calm and hike on.


-copyright 2014 by Willy

Trust

"Trust is earned in drops but lost in buckets." - Anon.

I knew her for 10 years and dated for a year before we married. An hour afterwards, she tells me: "Now that I've hooked you, let me tell you the way it's really going to be."

Horror!

You think I have trust issues? Yes, and that was 27 years ago, and the marriage immediately crumbled. Of course, I have trouble trusting people... who doesn't?

Horror stories abound on a range of issues, primarily financial... but it's all about trusting people... with getting work done and with growing our retirement fund... or not.

At my building, top management went to the same church. Because they knew and trusted each other, there was preferential treatment, of course. If you need to get something done, you get someone that you know (trust) will do it.

Specific trust.

Life is all about specific trusted relationships... knowing who can be trusted with what. Specialists, if you will. We shop for a doctor who will refer us to other specialists but we don't ask him about career advice. We also trust mother with dinner but not with love advice.

I enjoy my weightlifting workouts with my buddy Dallas but don't trust him about cardio because he gets winded jogging a hundred yards. I enjoy bicycling with buddy Ray but not weightlifting because he can't. I enjoy others because I trust them... in some way.

Putting trust in another can either be risky and awful, or a wonderful trusted relationship.


- text copyright 2014 by Willy

Scary TV

Yes, I am old enough to know better but I accepted a suggestion to view and analyze an old TV Chick Flick series to either learn something or discard it. The one with the four thirty-something girlfriends in NYC looking for love.

The script was well written, and I laughed unceasingly at their antics... specially at the sad and dramatic parts. They went shopping for shoes and men to the extreme.

Summary: They talk of scoring a rich husband and an even richer divorce (in Season 1, Episode 5); they said that intimacy was a bitch (in S1/Ep10); did not like the shape of an engagement ring (S4/Ep12); and continuously showed how neurotic they were.

In the end, the protagonist lands her ultimate contest... an emotionally damaged but rich guy... although she herself was as emotionally damaged as they come.

It's just entertainment.

It was hilarious and scary, both, because it hits home. The war between the sexes has not changed for many of us. In High School we asked: Does she like me? But now, in hindsight, It's been about me being scared that things won't work out and somebody's going to get hurt, and then I'll have to deal with messy emotions.

Does anybody survive the onslaught of constant emotional pain? If they survive, won't the scars last a lifetime? So, why look for trouble? Why look for intimacy in perpetual motion? Why not take a breath and be satisfied with the way it is.

But that wouldn't make a good movie, and would not be good entertainment... and entertaining is what this Chick Flick series is. Lord help us all if we used them as example.

Oh, wait.. we're there! I've met these neurotic critters before.




- copyright 2014 by Willy

Herman And Other Bullies

A half century ago, the bullies were everywhere... in my barrio, in the ghetto, school, and even in church.

The best way to deal with a mean person is to avoid them but school was compulsory attendance. Bullies operated in gangs and the threats, pranks and gang beatings were a daily occasion.

Fatherless youth.

These youth grew up in fatherless homes, devoid of hope, totally centered on themselves and the moment, heedless of the consequences of their actions, terrorizing those around them as they act out the frustrations of their unchanneled and undisciplined lives.

In 8th grade, Herman delighted in getting nose to nose and yelling at me. One day, I gave him a right hook to the stomach while bending sideways. He puked right there at my desk. I still got the gang beating, but from then on Herman just yelled from afar. That right hook put up an effective fence between us.

Fatherless adults.

Bullies are still here and everywhere... abusive cops, manipulative witches, church pastors that are wealthier than the people they serve, and gangs of professional legal thieves called bankers, lawyers and politicians... that sometime run entire countries. These must be the same fatherless youth of a half-century ago... the same nastards.

Know what's going on.

However, we must realize that we give them power, and we don't have to... we could effectively fence them off: We can use dash cameras, credit unions, avoid the stock market, boycott churches and even vote the bums out.

We can think, and we can do. We can enlighten our youth to the bully's tactics, and how to counter them. "Keep calm and adjust your fire," goes the old school ditty. Don't let them intimidate you. Instead, laugh quietly at them.


- copyright 2014 by Willy.

P.S., Collective praying works too. Become part of a bigger effort: Pray. "Lord, put this country back on track." Every night at 9 pm Eastern time.

Out Of What Box?

I like myself, and I like my world.

I'm getting too experienced to do things much differently. I've honed my activities and procedures throughout the years into something that works for me.

For instance, I do not speed... I usually drive slower than the speed limit, unless I'm on the Interstate... and I've been like that since I bought my Vette in '73. Back then, one of the gals at work said "Some old guy was driving your new car!" and I answered "It was me!"

I've got to be me.

I'm good to the core and am also trainable, to some extent, but don't bullstuff me. Some other way may not work for me, and vice-versa. Tell me what you want, but don't tell me how to do it.

When bicycling or hiking, my second and third layers are zippered so as to better control body temperature and evaporation... and I use a convenient water bladder rather than bottles, food bars rather than meals.

Also, if somebody is mean in any way, I disconnect... whether it's a work association, a friendship or a relationship. All it takes is one bitching out or one sleazy action. Life is too short to put up with those people. There are plenty of nice people out there, and solitude is an excellent option.

As it is, every day brings something different to me. My daily prayer is for the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Theme and variation.

Actually, we all follow the theme and variation concept. I can accommodate and adapt, to an extent, but Popeye said "I am what I am and that's all that I am." And they say that you can't teach a pig to sing because it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.

I also believe we must treat people nicely, because of Karma... you reap what you sow. It's best to either accept or give up the pig... whether its them or me.

This pig likes a regimented and disciplined life, with variations. Yesterday it was carpet shampooing and weightlifting. Today it's gym cardio and office cleanup. Tomorrow is hiking and dinner out.


My workouts follow the theme and variation concept... a different one every day that include many different types of cardio, lifting, flexibility and relaxation.

It's natural.

Nature invented the theme and variation concept. Sundown always follows sunrise but there may be rain, heat or cold to accept. If you don't like it... tough. Nature sets the rhythm.


- copyright 2014 by Willy.

Fantasy Vs. Reality

When reverence, faith or love enters the picture, rationality goes out the window. We find another's behavior adorable or put up when loved ones treat us poorly. This is true of a person, a political party or a football team. They appear to be capable of doing no wrong. For someone with objectivity looking in, it appears puzzling at best and intolerable at worst.

This is reality distortion.

We all have it. We live our fantasy. It may be that we think we are indispensable, like I do. That your lover cares. That you're not fat. Or that there will be a tomorrow, like voters do.

The solution? Monks have been trying to control their thoughts for centuries. Think, Willy! Get rid of those clouds in your head, and think clearly.

- copyright 2013 by Willy

Incognito

"Act with kindness but don't expect gratitude." -Confucius.

Why do we do what we do? For emotional reasons, of course. Logical or rational thinking is trampled by emotion, every time. In an interaction with another, emotional thinking is difficult to accept from both perspectives: from the giving and from the receiving. We get disgusted with ourselves, and we also don't trust the other.

It messes with your head.

The solution? We should do everything with kindness. We should do things for others without an ulterior motive.

Kindness is done best when it is felt but not attributed. When the receiver does not know the source, it is then true and unselfish goodness.... expecting nothing back.

"There is no limit to the amount of good you can do if you don't care who gets the credit." - Ronald Reagan.

Leave protein shakes and bananas for others at the gym. Clean the sink and toilet at gym and work. Rack the weights. Leave hockey tickets out. Make like Santa. It's about the small things.

"The best leave no track." - Willy.

- copyright 2013 by Willy.

From The Noise

There is an awful lot of junk, stuff or noise out there. When watching TV, we are bombarded by ads; when driving we get the signs and billboards; when dealing with people, we deal with fakes and lies; and when reading an article or book, we read biases and opinion... when all we want to do is find content.

In dieting, we have junk food where we really should be taking in protein and high-grade carbs. In exercise, we have throw-away miles where we should be getting effective use of our time. Where's the beef?



In engineering, we call this finding the signal amidst the noise, and it's a rather difficult task. Noise makes up most of our world, by far. So much, that sometimes we can't find the signal... we have too many choices.

The real solution is an iterative one. You have to know what the signal looks like before you can recognize it, and thus many "looks" are postulated, and extraction attempted, before success can happen. We need to know what the signal looks like. We need to know the form of the answer before we can get the answer. We need to know what we need before we need it. Yes, it seems like double-talk, but it's true.

Not only that, but it is human to see something false out of the noise if we lack control. People want to react to the situation we're out of control in. This explains why TV is so effective. People feel out of control and TV talking heads helps them make sense of it, even if it's a false understanding and thus... brainwashing.

In the health and fitness area, it's about what motivation works for diet and exercise. I have found that silly goals are much better than logical goals... because silly goals are emotional and logical goals are not. We respond to emotional goals much better than common-sense goals. My current goal to trim down fat is to enter a bodybuilding contest (for which I have to show my abs). Amidst numerous logical reasons (noise) like heart attacks, blood pressure and diabetes, the possibility of embarrassment in a bodybuilding contest (signal) is working well for me.

Change your thoughts and you change your world.

- © 2013 by Willy

What's Missing?

Cardio afternoons at the gym begin on the elliptic, with load and ramp at medium. The mp3 plays on and breathing and pace match the audio, which increases in tempo. I warm up, struggling and fighting the machine until something magic happens... it all comes together... I relax, my shoulders drop, everything synchronizes and the struggle is no more. I then increase the load and ramp to up the heartbeat and maintain the effort. I smile. As long as I relax and maintain that magic meditative state, the effort is easy. I keep this up for a couple of hours.

The same is true in life. After the preparation but in the various struggles, there comes a time to meditate and expect that magic moment... the inspiration. I understand what the other wants and I accept it. Everything synchronizes and I smile. Life is good.

Try it... find that magic moment for yourself... find what's missing.



- text © 2013 by Willy

Dealing With a Threat

"No." I told the young panhandler at the Safeway grocery store door.

"You a rude son-of-a-b$#&$!" he said, lurching forward.

"Say that to someone your age." I said while putting my groceries in my backpack at the bike rack.

Then another twentysomething joined the first as the first continued the insults: "Bring one, you son-of-a-..."

Now, this 62-year-old can take one young punk, but not two. So instead I went inside the store and told the Service Desk. By the time I came back outside, the two punks were gone.

I thought to myself: This assault is in a nice neighborhood, mid-morning, at a nice store called SAFEway... how ironic. There just isn't relief, even on vacation.

Then I bicycled away. Bicycling away from a threat works!

-copyright 2012 by Willy

Hiking Resume

OK, so if somebody asks for a resume... and it's to compete for a hike spot... what should I say? Ability, of course, but also I realize that it's a group, that I'll need to mention mental and physical fortitude with people as well as contributions and leadership. How about something like...

"My achievements are many. Hi, I'm Willy and I'm an engineer group leader. I mentor college co-ops and interns to take over for me, and put out fires. I also taught 20 years of evening classes at the local college. And I even taught Faith in Sunday School to High School seniors. I can write well too... have published 200 documents, mostly technical reports, conference and journal papers, but also am a published poet. I am really good on my feet... not only having gone through the Toastmasters curriculum early on but having pushed my club to achieve Top Ten international recognition. I am an excellent people leader and communicator.

"I like the hiking adventure. I've hiked and backpacked my whole life, progressively getting better, so that at age 62, I'm darned good. This year, I hiked Colorado twice, the Smokeys (four times), plus a segment of the AT. Last year it was Yosemite and its High Sierra camps loop, and another segment of the AT with my daughter, and more CO... I'm bagging peaks of CO 14ers as well as AT segments. Have done the Grand Canyon three times (including a rim-to-rim), Mt Hood wilderness, Big Bend, Yellowstone, Everglades, and etc. I conveniently have a mountain trailhead right out my backyard and hike locally three times a week, crosstraining with bicycling, weights and elliptic. I was a certified personal trainer. I'm a no-nonsense ultralighter. I'm not good at snow, but own crampons, snowshoes and axe. I like mother nature and the outdoors but I love the view from the top (like from Vogelsang saddle). I'm slow but sure, and have the demonstrated desire to climb.

"Yes, I do Facebook but only have 60 'Friends,' which is typical of my generation.

"Why am I a perfect fit for this? Because I have the demonstrated desire to climb. I'm in shape... both physical and mental shape. I like hiking, backpacking and climbing... and do it all the time. I'm a mature, seasoned and aged adventurer, so I know a few things I can contribute. I have the good attitude and enthusiasm for it. I'm fluent in Spanish, my original language. I have real friends... the face-to-face kind I drink a beer with. So... best of all... I have people skills."

That should do it. That's about what I turned in. We'll see how an aged adventurer rates.

- © 2012 by Willy

Control

I know how to control a machine, but how do we control ourselves? How do we bridle back our actions and emotions? Throttle down? Control our anger? Invoke self-discipline? Govern ourselves properly? Stay on the straight and narrow? Meditate and pray? Diet and exercise? Not cross the line? Not ask for a phone number?

Good questions, but ones with no apparent answer... if we read the paper or examine ourselves for flaws and urges.

A lot has been said lately on this subject with the recent demise of Cosmo’s publisher, and comparisons to Playboy. Both of these magazines are the antithesis of self-control, with their prime axioms being seduction philosophy and lack of inhibition. Sex sells, but it also brought plenty of drama and misery in this battle of the sexes, and produced plenty of casualties.

I still get temptation... like yesterday... but put me down for diet and exercise and hold the drama.

Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil, amen.

- © 2012 by Willy

On Silence

Yes, silence as in peace and quiet.

Yes, silence like mother nature... and silence like monks do too.

Silence makes me more conscious and mindful, so I'm paying closer attention and feel more connected to the world around me. When we stop talking and turn inward, we tap into vast reserves of energy that we’d otherwise be spewing into the world. I know where I can find the silence: where it’s always been, outside, on the trails. I listen to to the birds, feet hitting the ground. I notice the way the sunlight is filtering through pine needles, and drink it in. Silence is a blessing. Silence is addictive. Silence is a performance-enhancing drug... from working to hiking it makes me better at everything I do.

- © 2012 by Willy