Am I Crazy?

Am I in my right mind?

I have experienced pain many times, and do so now. To me, the really big pain is about the wounds of the heart and mind. Physical pain (like my cancers, broken bones, ruptured appendix, etc.) is comparatively less. The most pain has always been at times in which I don’t have control over my thinking, when every single thing is difficult and life loses its luster… like now. The last couple of months have been excruciatingly painful for me.

My many physical and emotional issues have given me anxiety, and made me question my thoughts and actions. This has been a life-long reoccuring struggle. 

Sometimes I can discuss these with a buddy over a beer, but sometimes my go-to person to discuss heart-and-mind matters is my daughter Jennifer. My question and discussions with her are always “Am I crazy?” She has patience with me and knows that it’s mostly a matter of time before I regain my sanity. And she’s right, because I’m feeling better after a few weeks of hiking therapy with her. I’m still not right, but hopefully I get to go home soon. 

“Tough times don’t last, but tough people do,” said Robert Schuller.

Yes, I’m all about hiking… to beautiful views in beautiful places. It heals me. How could I forget?

Father, please continue to heal us. 

And by the grace of God go I.

-copyright 2021 by Willy.

Huffing And Puffing

"Come on baby, I love you, come back to me." I was saying out loud at the gym while I massaged my right quad on a leg extension machine. Among my many issues is that my right leg does not work well, due to the stage-4 lymphoma in 2014. The leg is weak, and has little feeling. It's a miracle that I can walk and hike as well as I do. Then, again, it's a miracle that I'm alive, because they gave me a 20% chance of living five years... seven years ago. I thought I was dead, then was in a wheelchair, then a walker, and now I hike. In 2019 they took out a tennis ball sized tumor out of my brain, a side effect of radiation therapy. Yes, I am a blessed man. How long do I have? Thank you, Father, for this day.

Topic 2: I'm back to this blog after a seven-year pause to continue documenting myself. In reading backwards, My life is so different from the pre-cancer me... in so many ways.

Topic 3: I'm in Colorado, hiking with daughter Jennifer for my mental health, and praying for a recovery for my best friend and hiking partner, and praying for a way forward… if it’s in your will, Father.

And please grant me perception, awareness and understanding, wisdom and acceptance, and strength and endurance. 

And by the grace of God go I.

- copyright 2021 by Willy

I'm Baack

Yes, it's been a while since I posted. It's been one thing after another. From unsuccessful shoulder surgery to the busy end of the Fiscal Year, with a spectrum in-between. I am having fun with friends, regardless... just went to the beach and the National Naval Air museum, again.

This year-end is unusually busy due to the earlier furloughs (off every Friday) getting us behind in our work. Then the sequestration cutbacks' uncertainty made the program offices hold their money until year-end... at which point they had to send funds for work needed before the funds expired. Add to that the actual, real and regular work, as well as more task management, increased demands from supporting elements, delivery of reports, and, of course, next-FY planning with budget funds request. It's been very busy.

Last September, I brought down an old hiker guy off a mile-high Appalachian mountain. The 70-year-old had stability problems and was falling down backwards. I side-hugged him and locked-stepped him down in 6 1/2 hours. Not a smart thing to have done, in hindsight... should have called the rescue squad instead like we did this year on another old coot, because I only have one shoulder left.

Then, following that, in October, I got a virus/bacteria that required a double-dose of Prednisone steroid. It made me feel so good that I pressed more weight for more reps... like a young man. Not a smart thing to do either.

The shoulder hurt: Changing the car radio station hurt. Reaching for the glovebox was very painful. Grabbing something from the back seat was excruciating. I tried months of rest, ice, chiropractor, massage and etc.

The orthopedist did arthroscopic surgery... Resulting in lots of pain, complications, therapy and recovery... all for nothing, because the pain is still there. The orthopedist wanted to operate again and I understood what he wanted to do as deboning chicken, so I fired him, his physical therapist and the horse they rode in on.

I had kept up my hiking and riding. Am back to the gym, taking it easy and doing OK but avoiding overhead shoulder movements. Am doing my own therapy, trying different things out to see what works. My doctor wants me to go get a second opinion from another orthopedist.

My plan is to give it time to heal. It takes a while... everything takes a while to get over, physical or mental, so wish me luck and patience. In the meantime, I'm enjoying life and good friends.

I've been busy.


- copyright 2013 by Willy.

A Smile to My Face

Q: "What makes life worth it?" A:"Anything that brings a smile to my face!"

If I ever make it to old age, it will be because of the smiles. Sure, there's motherhood and apple pie, family and friends, truly nice/beautiful people, the splendor of nature, the physics of detail, and so on. All of that matters... but number one is just good laughing-out-loud kind of fun smiles. My favorites are (1) Slapstick, as in the Pink Panther and Home Alone movie series, and (2) Silliness, like in absurdity... which is everywhere. I've got to laugh at political theater, among others (What? Do politicians really think we buy their drama?). Given a choice on what to watch on TV, I choose comedy... but with news a close second. The way I laugh at the news, somebody will surely take me away sometime. News has the silliest content ever. I choose to laugh until my belly hurts.

One item in the news today made me smile in a different way. Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Connecticut, is getting absolutely swamped with mail. Floor to ceiling, semi truck loads... of handmade snowflakes, sympathy cards, favorite football cards and piggybank money. "It's awesome," said the PTA president. "From children, just like us," said a local child at the recent tragedy. "That much love multiplied this many times," said the narrator. It made me smile all over.

My new year's resolution is to smile more... every which way.

- © 2013 by Willy

Family

The family gathers together... dad, mom and all the kids.

Dad addresses himself to the kids, points a finger and says: "You should take personal responsibility and care for your own lives." It's doom and gloom time.

Mom then smiles and says: "It is absolutely not hopeless. There's always something to do. There's always a place to begin." The kids smirk and smile.

But did the kids get it? Will they do something?


- © 2012 by Willy

P.S., I have a bad knee, so I'm going to bed.

Fall Is Finally Here

Finally! My heel spur plantar fasciitis tendinitis has fully healed (it took four months!), and I've been out hiking in gorgeous fall weather. I have missed my therapeutic time in the woods. I'm back to nice multi-hour hikes.

Hiking through a rain of falling leaves today was both thrilling and healing.

I've also resumed other cardio, such as gym classes. I'm happy again!

- © 2011 by Willy

Recovered Back To Bicycling

The bane of my existence has been injuries. Yes, I admit it... even far worse than divorce, since divorce has happened far fewer times, and I've been rather klutzy. I'm an engineer, not a jock.

During the past couple of months, ever since I developed heel spur plantar fasciitis tendinitis during training, my regular cardio exercise has been swimming. There was no mp3 player and no scenery... I just followed the painted line in the pool, over and over again. Since I'm blind as a bat without glasses, I can't even delight in googling swimsuit beauties.

To me, my plantar fasciitis means a tendinitis tear between heel and arch, on the outside rather than the arch side. I am stressed and the foot tries to supinate. So, I have to think the feet to relax. The body tries to repair this tear/swelling using calcium and I get a heel spur. I've had this many times... my left foot being rather finicky. Walking and hiking on the swelling makes it worse and keeps the injury from healing. It will take months to heal.

The unloaded spin bike was OK, but did not elevate my heart rate like it should for conditioning. And bicycling outside hurt, specially uphills. Today I did a slow and flat one-hour ride, with minimal pain... and only at the end. I had a great ride. I was glad to be out, enjoying the sun, listening to the critters and dodging the cars. Today I had a delightful breakthrough. I will ride once a week and continue swimming so as to heal. I expect the elliptical on tiptoes is next, and will wait for healing before going hiking.

We heal slowly but surely... day by day.

In all aspects.


- © 2011 by Willy

Miserere Nobis

+ In the name of the Father, the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

Father, the people of Japan need your mercy. Their souls are on their knees. They are suffering the consequences of living in this world. Lord, I ask that you touch them, wrap your arms around each one of them. I pray you.

I pray for courage for your people and our neighbors, for strength to bear the unbearable, for the grace to remember what they have left instead of what they have lost. Help them tap those hidden reserves of faith and courage that are available to us.

Our Father, please be with them. We need you and we call to you. Calm them, accompany them, open their eyes, and help them deal with their problems. Offer them a way up and out of their predicament, so that they can further praise Your holy name, and so that they can help others in Your name. Come to their aid. We are asking Lord, and ready to accept You, to heal their body, minds and spirits... your way.

Lord Jesus, you held out a hand of mercy to so many who look for your help. Take hold of their hand and see them through this time of trouble. Grant them the courage to greet each new day. Renew their faith in your healing touch and help them to put their trust entirely in you in the days that lie ahead. Keep them close to you, that they may find comfort and peace in the nearness of your unfailing love.

Enlarge their thinking, be with them, keep them from evil, help them with their burdens and keep them from grief, amen (1 Chr 4 10).

Holy spirit, I ask you to minister to their spirit at this very moment. Where there is pain, give them your peace. Where there is self doubt, release a renewed confidence through your grace.

I lift them up to You, Father, and into Your hands I commend my spirit and theirs.

Father, take this burden from them. There's nothing else they can do. It's happening. It's out of their hands.

Lord have mercy on us.

+ In the name of the Father, the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, amen.


-not copyrighted, by Willy

Outdated or Wiser?

The same things are true in life as in fitness and in faith.

Fall color is here and leaves are carpeting our trails. Fall comes and fall will go, just as sure as the sun will return tomorrow morning. But we learn more each year. This year I discovered ruins just beside my favorite hiking trail.

I am a 60-year-old engineer and am outdated in many things, but not The Big Picture. Yes, kids know eye-opening computer tricks and give me six significant digits of accuracy but oftentimes they get the first digit wrong... that is, they went the wrong way. Can't argue about results based on experience. We know that kids come and kids get old and go, and we all learn from each other.

The AIG/bank/wallstreet/auto bailout came a couple of decades after the Savings and Loan debacle. The economy is a shambles and we don't have the power to fix it, so we wring our hands until we remember that this, too, shall pass. It happened before and it will happen again. I have faith that as liberals come then liberals too will go. The tide comes in and the tide goes out. It ebbs and flows. Are the politicians protecting worthless bank assets incompetent or just crooks? Yes, and then they go, and we relearn not to trust them, or the banks.

We will discover the motivation to embark upon a good fitness plan... then receive an overuse injury or accident, and we stop to heal, and start all over again. Only this time we will risk less to overuse and pick where we ride.

We're living the good life and divorce happens and life gets sour. And life ebbs and flows again later. We get mad at God and then, in His time, we go back, wiser, and learn not to enter another relationship like that.

In my business, the cannon is as outdated as the slide rule, and so is the canon... all of the canons... because the truth is that nothing stays the same.

Life ebbs and flows, and there's much comfort and tranquility in knowing that, and accepting it.


- © 2010 by Willy

Intensity

A little trail philosophy: Life's all about moderation in all things, thus intensity is key. Too intense and endurance suffers plus injuries happen. Not intense enough and we gain no training value and just waste our time. Did I say workout intensity or life intensity?

Crosstraining and tempo are important too. That is, I have learned that the intensity should vary with short periods (workout tempo), medium periods (each day different) and long periods (crosstraining).

About once a week I do an extreme-intensity short-duration cardio (when I go stupid that my legs won't move). A couple of times a month I do a hell of a powerlift single-rep workout of some body part (after a significantly 30-minute warmup). Also about once a month I do a high-endurance low-intensity cardio (a daylong hike). Several times a year I hike or bike for a week.

And I am very careful and very slow in introducing new stuff in my workouts and into my life.

This has worked out well for me... if I have the mental fortitude to stick to it. Sometimes I feel like I know the whole story and other times I feel like its completely out of control.

I've got to be careful about my passions, whether in health and fitness, with my personal life, or at work. One injury, whether physical or mental, and life goes awry for a long time. Since the physical and mental states correlate, one completely affects the other. Action reduces anxiety, and it does apply to both the physical and mental... I've found that the battle is not with or about another but within myself. A mental anguish state can have a physical fitness solution, or an apparently physical barrier can be overcome with the right thinking.

And that thinking had better be with the right positive attitude, with a smile on my face and happiness in mind, and both solo and in community.

- © 2010 by Willy

The Why Of It...

My daughter had a boyfriend heartache, so she came home to talk to an old friend. The breakthrough came: "She told me something powerful: 'You may be all the Jesus some people see.'"

Now, that's a terrific solution statement, no matter what the problem is, but it's difficult for this ol' engineer to understand matters of the heart. Experience 'em, yes, but understand, no. Engineers do heads, not hearts.

I had earlier reminded her that the last stage in grief is acceptance, but now I just listened and took her out and showed her some stress-reducing things that work for me and may work for her too, like feeding the ducks and hanging out by a gurgling brook. We hiked in my backyard mountain... the inchworms were raining down this weekend, no doubt incubating in our oak-pine-hickory canopy above, but more about that some other time.

You would think that figuring out life is easy... that the number of heartaches someone will experience in their lifetime (Nh) is equal to the number of temptations (Nt) that occur times the probability of succumbing to temptation given the temptation (Ps/t). But life is not an equation Nh = Nt x Ps/t. And Ps/t is tough to figure. Life is not Yes or No, Black or White... it's endless grayscale, infinite graduations of brightness and hues of an uncountable number of colors, with a timescale and with many strings attached.

But I do agree that cutting down the number of temptations, and me behaving like Jesus, does result in a simpler life with less heartache... for me and for you too.


- © 2010 by Willy

Reflections or Summary

OK, so here's a summary of what I've learned last few years through some reflection. I hope, by jotting it here, to remind myself in the future.


Out of clutter, lead a simple but rich life both at work and at home. Work is not hard if you're doing what you love. Accept what you have to with a positive attitude. Enjoy life with people as well as solo. Don't relive yesterday. Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition. Without adversity there is no drive. Do the right thing, no matter what. Make the choice that brings me peace and serenity. Forgive everyone for everything, and forgive myself too. You cannot fix stupid... you can only laugh at it. It's hard to find the right medication for grief. Sometimes the only way to get the right perspective is to let time pass. Time heals. Trust God. The best is yet to come. Enjoy the ride.

Now all I've got to do is remember this.

Closer to heaven, again

Another adventure: I did another Mt LeConte lodge hike last weekend. These have become easier as compared to other hikes, but they are still enjoyable. At 6,600 feet high, it's closer to heaven than is my home turf. I enjoy both the journey up and then the relaxing at the top. On a clear day you can see Gatlinburg off the cafeteria deck. If I'm lucky, I'm alone and quiet... and I can reflect.

Our group broke up into fast and slow, with the slow group going up the easier Trillium Gap Trail.

This time on the climb I hung around the back as sweep because one of the fast ladies wasn't feeling good (somebody has to stay with the problem and another goes for help). It ended up that she wasn't all that slow anyway, climbing the 6.6-mile (and 4,000-ft elevation change) Rainbow Falls Trail in 4 1/4 hours (including a break). This trail is visually and auditory stunning. On the way down she felt good and she and I led, making it down the same trail in 2 1/2 hours.

LeConte lodge is one of those remote but luxury places where dinner is ready at 5, sleeping is inside log cabins, and we leave right after breakfast. They bring supplies in twice a week by llama (via Trillium Gap Trail, yuck!) and once a year by helicopter.

The best thing is the feeling of being closer to heaven. There's no adventure quite like being hooked up with the creator of the universe.

- © 2009 by Willy

Don't Look Back

Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt.

After a while we only seem to remember the good times and forget bad ones. This is mentally healthy in one sense, but on another sense, we have to be careful that our feelings of love, loneliness or jealousy don't ever take us back to a proven horrible person. If our previous relationships or friends were abusive, remember that they will do the same to a new significant other... or to us... again and again. There's a reason why we have our current friends and don't associate with some of our old ones. There is no hope... people don't really change... they are what they are, just like us. We may mourn the end of our fantasy, but should recognize it as a happy ending necessary for a bright healthy future.

“Remember Lot's wife.” - Jesus in Luke 17:32


-© 2009 by Willy

Fear of Snakes

"There's a huge rattlesnake stretched out across the path!" said the mountain biker this morning, riding back to the trailhead.

Fear can be helpful, but most of the time it's damaging. It can help by keeping people away from the bite of the rattlesnake but it can hurt by keeping people away from living their life. Fear deprived the rider of this trail at this time. By the time I got to his snake, it had already moved on.

The same fear has been true for me after my last relationship crash a couple of years ago. Fear of relationships had put a damper on my socializing and I had to force myself to join a support group, which helped but also prolonged my recovery.

That snake was in its element... its home. Respect it but let it go and go on with life. My own snakes have long gone to other trails after fresh targets.

It's taken me a long time to empty the trash, but I did. I sure hope I got all of it out of my head this time.

Reminder: don't play with snakes.



-© 2009 by Willy

Hardest Thing

What's the hardest thing I've ever had to get out of my mind? A relationship? Substance abuse? Money? Youth? Impetuousness?

An obsessive relationship. Being OCD is bad but having OCD over another person is just terrible. To the other, it is off-putting, whereas to me it may be called love. And what is it that makes one relationship different and obsessive over others? Over all the many (romantic or otherwise) relationships in my life, how many have been obsessive, and why? It seems to be normal to be obsessive a time or two, maybe with the wife (note this is not limited to lust nor love, but it's about obssesiveness). And what if the wife doesn't reciprocate? Ah... then I've lost power over that relationship, and learned there is correlation between obsesiveness (or love) and co-dependency!

This is logical... but obsessiveness is emotional. The solution here is to pull the damn cork off my mind and let all these OCD thoughts out.



- © 2009 by Willy

Role Model

It is said that life itself remains a very effective therapist. I need all the help I can get, but I had a tough time over the holidays and I badly needed winter to end. That seems to have come to pass this past weekend, and I went hiking again. Being outside makes me think things through. Nature soothes my inner stresses. I see and feel things differently during my solo hikes. I often start with: "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Then I listen.


My daffodils had poked through in mid-January so I figured that spring was not far behind, but I wasn't expecting to see the vast greenery available outside. Ferns were plentiful, briars abounded and one green bush was the size of a car... all undeterred by the stresses of the many weeks of recent freezing temperatures. I needed to see that. I'm going to tack up a picture of this bush as a role model to look to, to keep my soul off its knees.

I trust you, Father, your will be done.

- © 2009 by Willy

P.S., yes, may all your weeds be wildflowers.

Grief

Am I through with my grief? It's been a year and a half, and many other crises and events have come and gone since The Ex and I broke up and I got depressed. So, let's go through it, for self-analysis, historical documentation and lessons learned.


The Ex went through the depression first, with many demands for control without compromise, her words breaking my heart. This stage lasted four years, beginning immediately upon moving in. All we were was lousy roommates. I realized that I made a huge mistake. When she finally made her decision that I was insignificant, she became happier, proclaimed an end to the relationship and started inviting other men over, which was her way to begin recovery. Her abuse was my breaking point.

My grief started when I then had to accept her decision and invited her out. In this case saying goodbye was definitely the right thing to do. Four months after voicing her decision, and after getting her income tax refund, she finally moved. I immediately took a week off to clean up the house, took a vanfull to her, four truckloads to charity and filled up a construction dumpster. I remodeled the house. I took many showers to scrub her stink off.

Unlike her, I refused to date new people as a recovery technique, preferring the simplicity of solitude. I then went into a depression tailspin, pills and all. I went into a loop in which I ranged from extreme work and exercise to sitting at home crying. I had a tough time and this lasted for months. Searching for help, I joined a weekly support group that I still attend. I recognized that it was unrequited love, that I provided the free ride and that's all I was to her. I've forgiven myself for making that mistake and am satisfied and at peace with myself now. Unbelievably, I'm still in love with her, but I CHOSE to quit thinking about her and do a complete cutoff, with no looking back, which was quite the struggle and the hardest thing ever to get off my mind.

So I'm well, my grief has been over for quite a while, and I'm a changed man. I now thoroughly enjoy my peace and quiet, and I do enjoy myself. Since I sleep better, I feel stronger, work more efficiently, bike and hike more and longer, and lift heavier weights. I'm friendly, I laugh more and I whistle down the halls. I celebrate life. I've gone to the occassional party but don't stay long, since I don't want to make another mistake. Most importantly, I contribute again.

Last year, I teared often and heavily. This year I laugh so hard that I cry.

And that's my grief story in a nutshell, for the books.

- © 2008 by Willy
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Blessing

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, amen.

Father, we all have some kind of battle we're fighting, so it's nice to get an occasional kindness and blessing. We all suffer the consequences of living in this world and need to receive the Holy Spirit in a very real way... through other people.

Father, bless my daughter in whatever it is that You know she may be needing this day. May her life be full of your peace, prosperity and power as she seeks to have a closer relationship with you. Enlarge her thinking, be with her, keep her from evil, help her with her burdens and keep her from grief. (1 Chr 4 10)

May the Lord look upon you kindly, give you peace and continue to bless you that you may yourself continue to be a blessing to others.

Amen.

-Dad

P.S., And may the good Lord hold you in the palm of his hand.
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Fright Night

My support group's moderator had an election night party last week, which, following that close to Halloween, was dubbed the Fright Night.

I am not a party person, but I looked forward to it and went. I was not surprised to find a huge variety of very entertaining people who were fighting or had fought some devil within. This is my second foray with this group... the first a dozen years ago... so I knew these folk and it was definitely not expected to be a meat market.

It's been obvious to me that I will continue to meet with this group, long term. Just like I understand the good in my core values, I also admit to my inability to deal with many people and the periodic conflict inherent there... for life. I accept myself unconditionally, where I am.

I am not unique, but just part of the population. Although I have cousins blessed with long and rewarding marriages, there are also those like me... that have escaped the surly bonds of endearment. What makes the difference is the same traits, philosophy and perhaps subjectiveness as to Why We're Here.

Cousin Carlos... saint Carlos... was able to deal with my mother in a way I could not. On the other hand, cousin Alberto was good to me but terrible with his own son and daughter.

I love good people but can't tolerate fools. In between these extremes is my problem. I'll never figure out people but I can live among them to a limited amount. I will continue to learn as a necessity and as a curiosity. People are now under my microscope.

- © 2008 by Willy
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