Am I Crazy?

Am I in my right mind?

I have experienced pain many times, and do so now. To me, the really big pain is about the wounds of the heart and mind. Physical pain (like my cancers, broken bones, ruptured appendix, etc.) is comparatively less. The most pain has always been at times in which I don’t have control over my thinking, when every single thing is difficult and life loses its luster… like now. The last couple of months have been excruciatingly painful for me.

My many physical and emotional issues have given me anxiety, and made me question my thoughts and actions. This has been a life-long reoccuring struggle. 

Sometimes I can discuss these with a buddy over a beer, but sometimes my go-to person to discuss heart-and-mind matters is my daughter Jennifer. My question and discussions with her are always “Am I crazy?” She has patience with me and knows that it’s mostly a matter of time before I regain my sanity. And she’s right, because I’m feeling better after a few weeks of hiking therapy with her. I’m still not right, but hopefully I get to go home soon. 

“Tough times don’t last, but tough people do,” said Robert Schuller.

Yes, I’m all about hiking… to beautiful views in beautiful places. It heals me. How could I forget?

Father, please continue to heal us. 

And by the grace of God go I.

-copyright 2021 by Willy.

Huffing And Puffing

"Come on baby, I love you, come back to me." I was saying out loud at the gym while I massaged my right quad on a leg extension machine. Among my many issues is that my right leg does not work well, due to the stage-4 lymphoma in 2014. The leg is weak, and has little feeling. It's a miracle that I can walk and hike as well as I do. Then, again, it's a miracle that I'm alive, because they gave me a 20% chance of living five years... seven years ago. I thought I was dead, then was in a wheelchair, then a walker, and now I hike. In 2019 they took out a tennis ball sized tumor out of my brain, a side effect of radiation therapy. Yes, I am a blessed man. How long do I have? Thank you, Father, for this day.

Topic 2: I'm back to this blog after a seven-year pause to continue documenting myself. In reading backwards, My life is so different from the pre-cancer me... in so many ways.

Topic 3: I'm in Colorado, hiking with daughter Jennifer for my mental health, and praying for a recovery for my best friend and hiking partner, and praying for a way forward… if it’s in your will, Father.

And please grant me perception, awareness and understanding, wisdom and acceptance, and strength and endurance. 

And by the grace of God go I.

- copyright 2021 by Willy

Cancer

Life reminded me who is in charge: I have Stage 3 or 4 Lymphoma cancer in my back. I can't walk.

I'm not that tough, after all.

It snuck up quick and silent, mascarading as a typical back-ache and scoliosis... six weeks ago. Six weeks!

At first, I did more yoga, then the upside-down traction table, then went to the Chiropractor four times, then my GP doctor and finally a referral to the back specialist who sent me to the cancer doctor. The pain was unbearable. 

All this with friends taking and helping me, and my best friend interceding. 

I was lucky that there was that new, freshly-graduated star waiting in the wings, or I'd be dead by now. She is one smart cookie cancer doctor. And even more hyperactive than me! I am also lucky to have unbelievable great friends helping me.

Have had several Radiation treatments. Yesterday had my first Chemo... all day long. Will have more of everything before the next Chemo "bullet" in three weeks.

As it is, I'm starting this tough struggle quite late, and don't know where I'll end up. More humble pie, but perhaps goodbye. Lord, have mercy on me.

- copyright 2014 by Willy

Adjusting My Mind

I have always been physically tough, but not so much emotionally. My daughter figured me out. Earlier this year, she stated it: I live like a monk for five or ten years, then date and get hurt and go back to another five or ten years of living like a monk.

Body and mind are a package. When the mind is broken, the body suffers.

My daughter is right... I am no good at romantic relationships, but I have many good friends instead. Hopefully, old friends don't play cruel singles games. I could write a book but TV has captured them... like the one that went and screwed an old boyfriend and came back and bragged to me about it. Purely a daytime TV soap.

I'm no angel. Nobody's perfect and we all have baggage, but at least let's not associate with devils. Let's leave the poisonous snakes alone.

I've been adjusting my thinking to control my passions. I keep it inside my pants. I hug friends but do not cop a feel. This adjustment is kind of like the chiropractor does... cracks the bones of my mind.

I don't have to wade through bull to find what an old friend's problems are... I just have to accept and accommodate. I've seen my friends when they are a mess due to divorce, sickness, birth or circumstances. Most of us have some degree of neurosis, psychosis, schizophrenia and bipolar/mania/depression. However, I am blessed with kind friends, and I like them... otherwise we wouldn't be friends. The question of whether they can be tolerated is made easy by the fact that I'm not living with them. And, my tolerance to anger has been zero: bitch me out once and it's goodbye forever, so my current friends have passed through some sieve already.

I've worked at this and feel like I've got it but I proceed cautiously. I want good quality for the rest of my years. Adjusting my mind will take care of my body, so I can train.



-copyright 2014 by Willy