Adjusting My Mind

I have always been physically tough, but not so much emotionally. My daughter figured me out. Earlier this year, she stated it: I live like a monk for five or ten years, then date and get hurt and go back to another five or ten years of living like a monk.

Body and mind are a package. When the mind is broken, the body suffers.

My daughter is right... I am no good at romantic relationships, but I have many good friends instead. Hopefully, old friends don't play cruel singles games. I could write a book but TV has captured them... like the one that went and screwed an old boyfriend and came back and bragged to me about it. Purely a daytime TV soap.

I'm no angel. Nobody's perfect and we all have baggage, but at least let's not associate with devils. Let's leave the poisonous snakes alone.

I've been adjusting my thinking to control my passions. I keep it inside my pants. I hug friends but do not cop a feel. This adjustment is kind of like the chiropractor does... cracks the bones of my mind.

I don't have to wade through bull to find what an old friend's problems are... I just have to accept and accommodate. I've seen my friends when they are a mess due to divorce, sickness, birth or circumstances. Most of us have some degree of neurosis, psychosis, schizophrenia and bipolar/mania/depression. However, I am blessed with kind friends, and I like them... otherwise we wouldn't be friends. The question of whether they can be tolerated is made easy by the fact that I'm not living with them. And, my tolerance to anger has been zero: bitch me out once and it's goodbye forever, so my current friends have passed through some sieve already.

I've worked at this and feel like I've got it but I proceed cautiously. I want good quality for the rest of my years. Adjusting my mind will take care of my body, so I can train.



-copyright 2014 by Willy

Santa Has Left

Santa has left the building and a new year is upon us. They go fast.

How did I do this year, Santa?

It was a year of accommodation and accomplishment. The flexible survive a hurricane whereas the strong don't. To a good controls engineer, life is about accommodating change.

I hurt my shoulder and thus my muscles suffered, but I did more hiking instead.

A complication at work demanded more management oversight and thus a bigger staff to compensate.

Yet another good friend offered the social graces and I accepted this variation from my solitude. Being the basic model engineer, I will be forever working on this, but have thoroughly enjoyed her as well as her cadre of friends and varied activities.

What will I do next year, Santa?

Thanks to her recent feedback, i will correct a mistake in my relationship with my friend. I went too far in accommodating her: I will stand my ground and give her a good example of diet and exercise, instead of accommodating the seducing darkness.

I will continue to be tough with myself, especially in diet, strength and endurance.

I will accommodate people, but with better judgement.

I will still take quality over quantity.

My goal is to be a tough man. Old just happens.

And I will stay on rhythm.

See you soon enough, Santa. Happy new year!


-copyright 2013 by Willy.

Thanks

She set a beautiful table. Breathtaking, even. Fine china, delicate glasses and napkins rings. I was amazed.

The food was terrific, and so was people and conversation: "For food to nourish the body and conversation to enrich the soul, we are truly thankful. Amen." I said, from deep inside.

This Thanksgiving was many orders of magnitude above my usual turkey TV dinner with half bottle of wine.

Thank you.

Today, however, is extra-cardio day to compensate... "por cada gustazo, un trancazo." I'm on the treadmill.

(For discussion of compensation, see blogs tagged Control.)


- copyright 2013 by Willy.

From The Noise

There is an awful lot of junk, stuff or noise out there. When watching TV, we are bombarded by ads; when driving we get the signs and billboards; when dealing with people, we deal with fakes and lies; and when reading an article or book, we read biases and opinion... when all we want to do is find content.

In dieting, we have junk food where we really should be taking in protein and high-grade carbs. In exercise, we have throw-away miles where we should be getting effective use of our time. Where's the beef?



In engineering, we call this finding the signal amidst the noise, and it's a rather difficult task. Noise makes up most of our world, by far. So much, that sometimes we can't find the signal... we have too many choices.

The real solution is an iterative one. You have to know what the signal looks like before you can recognize it, and thus many "looks" are postulated, and extraction attempted, before success can happen. We need to know what the signal looks like. We need to know the form of the answer before we can get the answer. We need to know what we need before we need it. Yes, it seems like double-talk, but it's true.

Not only that, but it is human to see something false out of the noise if we lack control. People want to react to the situation we're out of control in. This explains why TV is so effective. People feel out of control and TV talking heads helps them make sense of it, even if it's a false understanding and thus... brainwashing.

In the health and fitness area, it's about what motivation works for diet and exercise. I have found that silly goals are much better than logical goals... because silly goals are emotional and logical goals are not. We respond to emotional goals much better than common-sense goals. My current goal to trim down fat is to enter a bodybuilding contest (for which I have to show my abs). Amidst numerous logical reasons (noise) like heart attacks, blood pressure and diabetes, the possibility of embarrassment in a bodybuilding contest (signal) is working well for me.

Change your thoughts and you change your world.

- © 2013 by Willy

Control

I know how to control a machine, but how do we control ourselves? How do we bridle back our actions and emotions? Throttle down? Control our anger? Invoke self-discipline? Govern ourselves properly? Stay on the straight and narrow? Meditate and pray? Diet and exercise? Not cross the line? Not ask for a phone number?

Good questions, but ones with no apparent answer... if we read the paper or examine ourselves for flaws and urges.

A lot has been said lately on this subject with the recent demise of Cosmo’s publisher, and comparisons to Playboy. Both of these magazines are the antithesis of self-control, with their prime axioms being seduction philosophy and lack of inhibition. Sex sells, but it also brought plenty of drama and misery in this battle of the sexes, and produced plenty of casualties.

I still get temptation... like yesterday... but put me down for diet and exercise and hold the drama.

Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil, amen.

- © 2012 by Willy

A Clear Advantage

"You do well for a young person." I paid a compliment this morning at the gym to a young lady for her tenaciousness. Us old farts have an advantage: we live simpler lives... with no kids, spouse, mother-in-law, school, mortgage, drama or worries. This gives us more time, flexibility and focus. Thus we are happier, enjoy ourselves and train more... a clear advantage over youth.

The key is to keep it simple. I have good friends and a mostly good family. In the past, I've tried to help people but have repeatedly ended up crossing the line and being instead a co-dependent or enabler. Since I have this problem, I decided to give up relationships. The Serenity Prayer is key. I've learned not to hold them but to fold them... and to get out of the game. I've been lucky to be able to carry through my plan: Without sticky dependents... and their drama... life is easier. I listened: My father guides me with a soft hand and an easy touch.

- © 2012 by Willy

My Wives

Daughter Jennifer did not like her from square one, when Aussie, my GPS, kept saying "make a u-turn" but I kept going forward. "Make a u-turn." I just laughed, first at Aussie and then at Jennifer's frustration. I said "she's just like a wife."
"Make a u-turn," Aussie insisted.

Jennifer and I... and Aussie... were driving down to meet my retired, close, cousin at a west Florida beach for a family reunion Christmas tradition. As we got closer to our unfamiliar destination, I followed Aussie's instructions. Aussie took us down through downtown Tampa, traffic light upon traffic light, then back up north to the beaches. Jennifer looked up at me and remarked "she's your wife!"

Aussie is one of my wife-substitutes, just like Jan is my massage wife-substitute, Monica my housekeeper, Mary my doctor, Anna keeps me on diet, Kirstin and Karen for spinning and yoga fitness training, and so on. I need them and depend on them, as well as my work helpers and my buddies, to get through life. Some times I do what they say, but not always... just like with a real wife, sometimes I AM smarter than my wife.

These are all dependent relationships. They may be business or social, and may have brotherly love or kindness. Obviously there is no romance, otherwise they wouldn't last, since I am no good at romantic relationships and relish the calmness of solitude at home. No delusions, and no problems, either. Some of these relationships date back a lifetime... much longer than my real marriage... probably because I got to go home.

I do what I can with what I've got... but I've got plenty of help. Thank God for them. And thanks to my Godsends.

"Recalculating."



- © 2010 by Willy

Discipline

I do what I can with what I have.

I'm friendly but I keep to myself unless engaged. There were three gals talking in the weightroom area. I had done cardio, warmed up the rotator cuff and had already done a delts circuit. I was on my second heavy set, minding my own business, when Carol showed this new gal her squat form... pushing up her chest and back her butt... and I lost concentration completely. After wasting time at the treadmill until they left, I went back for my last remaining power sets and finished my heavy workout in perfect form, without injury.

I can't control the wind but I can adjust my sail. To adjust, I withdrew.

I also love real chocolate ice cream but I can't have any and haven't had any in years. I'm still in irrational love with The Ex, but withdrew there too... I will not have anything to do with her, and haven't in years... after shedding many a tear. I can't choose how I feel but I can choose what I do about it.

Life's all about accepting and exerting self-control, which is no easy feat sometimes. How else would you live this day?


- © 2010 by Willy

Watch The Nutrition

Two Alligators were sitting around the gym after their workout, talking nutrition.

The smaller Gator turned to the bigger one and said, "I can"t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big Gator, "what have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Gator [or Lawyers, Ex'es or whatever].

"Hmm... well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot."

"Same here! How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under a car and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the crap out of them and eat them!"

"Ah!" says the big Gator, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the crap out of a politician, there's nothing left but a briefcase."

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Moral of the story: (1) Watch what you eat... don't eat crap, (2) Bigger is not always better... some people and some Gators are just full of it, and (3) Maybe you're OK just the way you are.

Funny Thoughts While Riding

Sometimes I get the most peculiar thoughts while bicycle riding.

I seldom carry an mp3 player with me due not only to safety concerns but also to my need to think things out.

Rudy Kalman, of Kalman Filter fame, one of the cornerstones of systems theory, stated that if a thing can be observed, it can be controlled.

OK, I've just lost you, so let me back up.

Where was I 40 years ago? When Neil Armstrong stepped on the moon, my liberal arts dorm roommates were picking on me because I was studying. NASA had been using all kinds of neat technical tools. The Kalman Filter was used in the Apollo computer for orbital insertions then, and I use it now for proper positioning of any vehicle. The Kalman is nothing but a simulation running onboard the rocket's computer, telling the rocket where it should be (giving observability), which comes in handy if the sensors briefly black out for any reason, like noise and vibration. Sensors being either optical or radar seekers, GPS, gyroscopes and the like. Us humans do this all the time, like when driving through fog at night, we know to keep slow and straight... unless we're at a curve on the road.

The key word is "briefly." The rocket and its sensors have to be designed for observability, and there are some things that just cannot be observed. Yeah, yeah... like teenagers out for the night. And, yes, sometimes we don't want to observe them even if we could.

Behavioral political psychologists or theorists also use this if-a-thing-can-be-observed rule in their logic, except that, to them, everything can be observed and thus everything can be controlled, even in this noisy economy. Not only do they forget their Kalman systems theory, but also, it seems, they forget their sensors altogether. Or is it their senses? The economy is shaking itself to death due to the meddling... can't these theorists observe that? Obviously not.

And, yes, it was a beauuutiful bike ride anyway! It was a relatively cool day and light traffic on an early Sunday for a solo ride at my own pace. I've never had a bad solo ride.

- © 2009 by Willy

War Game... not!

In the 1980s I was sooo tired of fighting difficult people at work, a domineering mother, preteen kids I was raising alone, a crazy ex-wife and a pain-in-the-butt significant other, that I began my dissertation based upon an article and collaborative experiment at Scientific American magazine. It was on the opposite of War Games. The magazine asked readers to submit their solutions to a one-on-one transaction problem that gave points to benefit societal win-win cooperation. Geek readers submitted all kinds of complex and esoteric solutions but the one that won was simple, and the field of Game Theory was blessed with Nice, Clear, Procable and Forgiving.

This one-on-one transaction scenario, the cooperative version of what is unfortunately called The Prisoner's Dilemma, deals with an exchange between two entities. For example, as when buying an item over the internet, three outcomes are possible. Hopefully the buyer gives his credit card information and the seller sends buyer the requested item, in which case both win, and both buyer and seller get two points each. The second possible outcome is where the buyer sends credit card information but the seller does not send the item, therefore the seller wins three points and the buyer zero. The third possible outcome is where the buyer sends a fraudulent payment but the seller sends the item, and the buyer wins three points and the seller gets zero. Seem familiar?

Key is that, overall, a win-win nets more total points to society than that of the other two outcomes, and that there is a clearly demarcated start and end to the transaction, which is iterated multiple times.

The solution was to be Nice, Clear, Provocable and Forgiving...

   - Nice: My entity starts "nice" (whether buying or selling) in the first transaction, trusting... the honeymoon.

   - Clear: Both entities are aware of (but don't have to agree to) this solution/rules.

   - Provocable: When either buyer or seller screws the other, at the next transaction the loser screws the winner.

   - Forgiving: Then everything is forgiven, with no rancor and no grudge held, to start fresh at the following transaction.

Such a simple and naive set of rules couldn't possible win, you say? It did, over a Kalman Filter based Estimation Theory solution and every other engineer/scientist's submission, which were numerous.

When I used it, what it did was to regiment or train me to follow a wining procedure... sort of like dog obedience classes actually train the owner, not the dog.

When used, this solution works great in dating, but, unfortunately, this one-on-one format does not conform well to marriage, since marriage does not have individual transactions with clearly demarcated start and end, but is a continuous form. It also works good with acquaintances, friends and family. The work situation is mixed, not one-on-one, so only part of the work environment benefits from using this solution.

Since formulated, this solution has spread like wildfire in the interested technical and psychological communities, with extensions attempted for one-on-many couplings, blurred start/ends, and other interesting situations.

This solution worked for me before, and I now need it again, so I've brought out my figurative brass knuckles.

- © 2009 by Willy

It's Coming, Again

In engineering, as in physics, we're very used to detecting things indirectly. You are too. Your dog barks and you know somebody's there. An object's shadow is sometimes larger than the object itself. Observation of effected and unexpected dynamics give it away. Correlation with associated behavior points it out.

Well, one thing that's coming is clearly the upcoming national bankruptcy due to the financial sector's unbridled professional thieves, with their accomplices in congress... an inevitable derailment that seems unstoppable and will destroy this country from the inside. Since we've had these before, you'd think we'd steer away.

The real thing that's coming and welcomed is Christ's birthday. Since Labor Day, we've had Christmas displays at stores. Closer in it's not just traffic jams and full parking lots but the inability to do regular shopping.

In my specific case, two additional things give away the season.

One is the inevitable upper respiratory infection, no doubt due to chilly temperatures while hiking and bicycling. Some Decembers are worse than others, and this one has been bad, having had to take off a week from work. It still lingers.

The second thing that gives away the season for me specifically is that my home stationary bicycle gets dusted off and begins its use, which will happen today. It's just too cold to hike or bike given that I'm still sick, and my regular gym is closed on Sundays.

I like the time off at Christmas. I really want to enjoy my peace and quiet both at home and at work. I can catch up at work this time of year simply because the storm quits swamping the boat and I can bail it dry, and I can relax and do my activities at home unencumbered with commitments.

I've had many discussions on the life of solitude that I've chosen lately. I find it joyful in its simplicity, with a maximum of independence, and better than monastic life by far. While taking a class on stress management from a nun, I just had to ask her what the hell does a nun in a monastery know about stress? She responded that she has to live with 50 other women!

There is also a third thing that could be coming. I've been very human, but I'm understanding my prior mistakes and trusting on early sensing and detection to stay away from trouble. The larger shadow will tell me trouble's coming, and then I must control myself, and stay detached and away. Unlike the upcoming national depression, this one I can avoid.

Yep, there's lots of stuff coming, again. Some good and some bad.

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- text © 2008 by Willy

Mistakes

There are many stories about unintentional pregnancies due to the risk of contraceptive failure. In one case, the girl confessed to her OB/GYN that she had always viewed pregnant single girls as either incredibly stupid or incredibly selfish, to which he responded "Or they’re incredibly human."

I'm less obvious, but I carry all sorts of baggage, including old mistakes... stupid, emotional and selfish, but human. I've been lucky in that I've recovered, however, I may be blind to my own faults while eager to point out their sins to others. Very human.

I hate somebody else trying to control me and change me. One of my sins may be that since I want to control my own life, I may extend control to those around me in some sense or in part. I don't mean to do this, but the difference between controlling myself and controlling my immediate environment is fuzzy indeed.

I am thankful for being just the way I am, and thus I have to be thankful for them being just the way they are too, no matter what. We are all intentionally diverse. It's a lie to think we're not good enough. Whether we're going to get through life or not is all up to each of us... not just me. There's a lot of healing in letting go... the acceptance of others.... and concentrating on fixing myself.

Just don't encroach into my environment.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change... courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.


- © 2008 by Willy
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Control

In solitude alone
can man know true freedom.
- Montaigne

Did you sell in this diving stock market? That is a decision only you can make, if it's your money. One of my buddies did. I have not and will not, instead will wait the 5 years for a recovery... and pick up some bargains now. It's my money.

I'm helping another buddy move in with his gal tomorrow, and I told him that I wish him luck and will pray for him. I'm not living with anybody else. It's my life.

Man is never as capable as when he is independent. Alone, without ties that bind, we have both nobody to hold us back and nobody to blame. A free soul can contribute. It is our dependence on another that holds us back. Nobody else can guide us better than ourselves... only inspiration makes us better. That is, nobody other than God makes us better.

Can I control myself? Damned right I can... the buck stops here. Can another control me? Yes, if I let them, and they try all the time! They're called mothers, spouses and significant others. Can I control others? Shiiit no. The next time I fall in love, I will keep it to myself. She'll never know it.

"I can't make you love me if you don't" - Bonnie Raitt



- some of this © 2008 by Willy
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