Huffing And Puffing

"Come on baby, I love you, come back to me." I was saying out loud at the gym while I massaged my right quad on a leg extension machine. Among my many issues is that my right leg does not work well, due to the stage-4 lymphoma in 2014. The leg is weak, and has little feeling. It's a miracle that I can walk and hike as well as I do. Then, again, it's a miracle that I'm alive, because they gave me a 20% chance of living five years... seven years ago. I thought I was dead, then was in a wheelchair, then a walker, and now I hike. In 2019 they took out a tennis ball sized tumor out of my brain, a side effect of radiation therapy. Yes, I am a blessed man. How long do I have? Thank you, Father, for this day.

Topic 2: I'm back to this blog after a seven-year pause to continue documenting myself. In reading backwards, My life is so different from the pre-cancer me... in so many ways.

Topic 3: I'm in Colorado, hiking with daughter Jennifer for my mental health, and praying for a recovery for my best friend and hiking partner, and praying for a way forward… if it’s in your will, Father.

And please grant me perception, awareness and understanding, wisdom and acceptance, and strength and endurance. 

And by the grace of God go I.

- copyright 2021 by Willy

Cancer

Life reminded me who is in charge: I have Stage 3 or 4 Lymphoma cancer in my back. I can't walk.

I'm not that tough, after all.

It snuck up quick and silent, mascarading as a typical back-ache and scoliosis... six weeks ago. Six weeks!

At first, I did more yoga, then the upside-down traction table, then went to the Chiropractor four times, then my GP doctor and finally a referral to the back specialist who sent me to the cancer doctor. The pain was unbearable. 

All this with friends taking and helping me, and my best friend interceding. 

I was lucky that there was that new, freshly-graduated star waiting in the wings, or I'd be dead by now. She is one smart cookie cancer doctor. And even more hyperactive than me! I am also lucky to have unbelievable great friends helping me.

Have had several Radiation treatments. Yesterday had my first Chemo... all day long. Will have more of everything before the next Chemo "bullet" in three weeks.

As it is, I'm starting this tough struggle quite late, and don't know where I'll end up. More humble pie, but perhaps goodbye. Lord, have mercy on me.

- copyright 2014 by Willy

Blessed

There's a preacher out there that incessantly talks about what to do and how to behave in order to get God's blessings. He talks about blessings as though they were a unit of currency. It's amazing that somebody buys this hype. He's done very well, but he's just another silver-tongued devil. But I digress again.

Blessings are not complicated things.

I believe in happiness through kindness, service and sacrifice. And I believe in karma. Thus I believe that blessings come. And they come every which way.

I was climbing a steep and tall mountain a few weeks ago. I should have been up and back down by noon due to the possibility of lightning. I embraced the burn but was nevertheless climbing rather slowly. I started at sunup but there was just no way to meet the timetable. I saw the storms coming right at me and should have aborted but decided instead to continue. The storms went around the mountain and sleeted heavy below. I only got wet in the last ten minutes of my ten-hour hike.

Am I blessed?

I'm very good at science, math... and statistics. When a statistical improbability rears up, I take notice. And there's been quite a few of these. Not 100-year floods every year but 100-year blessings many times a year.

I believe, but not in TV preachers.


-copyright 2014 by Willy.

P.S., lightning kills many hikers above treeline.

Herman And Other Bullies

A half century ago, the bullies were everywhere... in my barrio, in the ghetto, school, and even in church.

The best way to deal with a mean person is to avoid them but school was compulsory attendance. Bullies operated in gangs and the threats, pranks and gang beatings were a daily occasion.

Fatherless youth.

These youth grew up in fatherless homes, devoid of hope, totally centered on themselves and the moment, heedless of the consequences of their actions, terrorizing those around them as they act out the frustrations of their unchanneled and undisciplined lives.

In 8th grade, Herman delighted in getting nose to nose and yelling at me. One day, I gave him a right hook to the stomach while bending sideways. He puked right there at my desk. I still got the gang beating, but from then on Herman just yelled from afar. That right hook put up an effective fence between us.

Fatherless adults.

Bullies are still here and everywhere... abusive cops, manipulative witches, church pastors that are wealthier than the people they serve, and gangs of professional legal thieves called bankers, lawyers and politicians... that sometime run entire countries. These must be the same fatherless youth of a half-century ago... the same nastards.

Know what's going on.

However, we must realize that we give them power, and we don't have to... we could effectively fence them off: We can use dash cameras, credit unions, avoid the stock market, boycott churches and even vote the bums out.

We can think, and we can do. We can enlighten our youth to the bully's tactics, and how to counter them. "Keep calm and adjust your fire," goes the old school ditty. Don't let them intimidate you. Instead, laugh quietly at them.


- copyright 2014 by Willy.

P.S., Collective praying works too. Become part of a bigger effort: Pray. "Lord, put this country back on track." Every night at 9 pm Eastern time.

Prayer

Prayer is not just the rosary... with the litany of Our Fathers and Hail Mary's. And it's not just because the church tells us to.

Relaxation, meditation and prayer are as important to mental health as weights and cardio are to physical health. Not only that, but every physical feat starts in the mind. Given this lead-in, and the fact that I'm hyperactive and terribly anxious by nature, my absolutely favorite prayer is the Serenity prayer at the left margin of this blog:

Lord, give me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

My second favorite is the Saint Teresa of Avila's prayer, here in its original Spanish and in its translation:

Nada te turbe.
Nada te espanta.
Todo se pasa.
La oracion todo lo alcanza.
Quien a Dios tiene
nada le falta.
Solo Dios basta.

Let nothing disturb you.
Let nothing affright you.
All things are passing.
God alone never changes.
Patience gains all things.
He who has God
wants nothing.
God alone suffices.

Find one you like or need... and keep it handy.


-copyright 2014 by Willy.

Out Of What Box?

I like myself, and I like my world.

I'm getting too experienced to do things much differently. I've honed my activities and procedures throughout the years into something that works for me.

For instance, I do not speed... I usually drive slower than the speed limit, unless I'm on the Interstate... and I've been like that since I bought my Vette in '73. Back then, one of the gals at work said "Some old guy was driving your new car!" and I answered "It was me!"

I've got to be me.

I'm good to the core and am also trainable, to some extent, but don't bullstuff me. Some other way may not work for me, and vice-versa. Tell me what you want, but don't tell me how to do it.

When bicycling or hiking, my second and third layers are zippered so as to better control body temperature and evaporation... and I use a convenient water bladder rather than bottles, food bars rather than meals.

Also, if somebody is mean in any way, I disconnect... whether it's a work association, a friendship or a relationship. All it takes is one bitching out or one sleazy action. Life is too short to put up with those people. There are plenty of nice people out there, and solitude is an excellent option.

As it is, every day brings something different to me. My daily prayer is for the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Theme and variation.

Actually, we all follow the theme and variation concept. I can accommodate and adapt, to an extent, but Popeye said "I am what I am and that's all that I am." And they say that you can't teach a pig to sing because it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.

I also believe we must treat people nicely, because of Karma... you reap what you sow. It's best to either accept or give up the pig... whether its them or me.

This pig likes a regimented and disciplined life, with variations. Yesterday it was carpet shampooing and weightlifting. Today it's gym cardio and office cleanup. Tomorrow is hiking and dinner out.


My workouts follow the theme and variation concept... a different one every day that include many different types of cardio, lifting, flexibility and relaxation.

It's natural.

Nature invented the theme and variation concept. Sundown always follows sunrise but there may be rain, heat or cold to accept. If you don't like it... tough. Nature sets the rhythm.


- copyright 2014 by Willy.

Thanks

She set a beautiful table. Breathtaking, even. Fine china, delicate glasses and napkins rings. I was amazed.

The food was terrific, and so was people and conversation: "For food to nourish the body and conversation to enrich the soul, we are truly thankful. Amen." I said, from deep inside.

This Thanksgiving was many orders of magnitude above my usual turkey TV dinner with half bottle of wine.

Thank you.

Today, however, is extra-cardio day to compensate... "por cada gustazo, un trancazo." I'm on the treadmill.

(For discussion of compensation, see blogs tagged Control.)


- copyright 2013 by Willy.

Control

I know how to control a machine, but how do we control ourselves? How do we bridle back our actions and emotions? Throttle down? Control our anger? Invoke self-discipline? Govern ourselves properly? Stay on the straight and narrow? Meditate and pray? Diet and exercise? Not cross the line? Not ask for a phone number?

Good questions, but ones with no apparent answer... if we read the paper or examine ourselves for flaws and urges.

A lot has been said lately on this subject with the recent demise of Cosmo’s publisher, and comparisons to Playboy. Both of these magazines are the antithesis of self-control, with their prime axioms being seduction philosophy and lack of inhibition. Sex sells, but it also brought plenty of drama and misery in this battle of the sexes, and produced plenty of casualties.

I still get temptation... like yesterday... but put me down for diet and exercise and hold the drama.

Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil, amen.

- © 2012 by Willy

Sing Song

"Love me tender, love me sweet, never let me go..."

I've been hearing that refrain all day, perhaps due to my noticing of tomorrow's play of the 1956 Elvis movie on the tube. I whistled it continuously during my long Thanksgiving day before-dinner hike today.

When I was a kid... before Elvis... my mother sang a fairly similar lullaby. I felt very cuddled in hearing it. In turn, I hummed this Elvis tune to my kids to relax them at bedtime. Not only that, but I still self-medicate to this ditty. Lullabies are meant to function just so, and work amazingly well.

I'm in the midst of some turmoil: A nutty young punk threatened to beat me up and has evoked memories of early school bullies. I've been sleeping with a shotgun, and Elvis calms me down.

Or perhaps I was hearing God's lullaby.

Prayers can be the darnest things... whistling a lullaby!

More conventional: "For exercise to calm the body and prayer to calm the mind, I am truly thankful, amen."

It's best to accept the situation, prepare for a possible eventuality, and go through channels... calmly.


- non-Elvis text © 2011 by Willy

It was a dark and stormy night...

"It was a dark and stormy night," or so Snoopy's book always starts.

If you're thinking this way, then you are going through another of life's little disappointments which may be unwelcome but are always expected.

We can't change the wind but we can set our sail. The sun will come up again tomorrow. The tide ebbs and flows.

We all get through these downers and on to yet another high.

I have had my own struggles at work and elsewhere. They're not as bad lately. I had divorces, an angry son, two unsuccessful dissertations, two hospital stays and other. Such is life.

My daughter is going through trauma now. I am proud of her and of what she has become. She has a great goal, she is resourceful, and she will get through this too. I'm glad that she's gotten herself some help. I think of her and pray for her several times a day. I look forward to her continued growth and her bright future... but it is her future, and she has to do it.


- text © 2011 by Willy

Reflection

"Only when I was alone, in quiet and reflective moments, did I have not only clarity but an inexplicable inner peace... a peace that exceeds human understanding." - Mike Huckaby on his decision to not run for president (believe it or not!), 13 May 2011.

That could have been Henry David Thoreau, or just about any monk on the planet.

Peace, reflection and mental health go together.

Solitude is underrated.

I Am Many

It had rained much. Huffing and puffing, hiking fast solo on the trail yesterday, I could hear Jennifer saying, "You've got boots, dad... just step into that mud." So I sank in the bog a couple of inches, powered my way forward without losing my boot, and lost no time. Later, going hard on a steep uphill, "Lengthen your stride." Soon Dallas was saying, "Shoulders back, man." Most of the time I was hiking I heard various priests from the past saying "Miserere nobis," to which I added "for your people in Japan, Father," in virtual community. Then I increased tempo and intensity.

A couple of weeks ago while pulling up front against cold wind on my fat tire commuting bike, spin class instructor Ed's comments were with me, "Use your quads. Pull those legs up. You won't win any events unless you do," and Roger's, "Forget about pushing the pedal, that will happen all by itself." So, I concentrated on pulling up. Then Karen's "Relax that upper body so you'll have blood for your legs" came through. So I relaxed wrapped onto the bars, concentrated, and increased to 18, still shivering but no longer wishing I had a second layer.

A week ago while on TDY, I wondered around downtown and I heard Jon, "Watch for the gypsies, put your wallet in the front pocket," and Joel's "Know them but don't meet their eyes. Do discipline of the eyes." At the food court it was Anna saying "More fruits and vegetables!" And then "Good thing you took a taxi," yes, thanks whoever told me that, if any. I'm getting old and I need discipline and safety, not that kind of adventure. Then I went back to the motel and worked a machine for an hour and a half and walked 20 flights of stairs.

I've been carrying a lot of people with me, but they feel light. They're my brothers and sisters. My Father, the head coach, coaches me through them.


- © 2011 by Willy

Miserere Nobis

+ In the name of the Father, the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

Father, the people of Japan need your mercy. Their souls are on their knees. They are suffering the consequences of living in this world. Lord, I ask that you touch them, wrap your arms around each one of them. I pray you.

I pray for courage for your people and our neighbors, for strength to bear the unbearable, for the grace to remember what they have left instead of what they have lost. Help them tap those hidden reserves of faith and courage that are available to us.

Our Father, please be with them. We need you and we call to you. Calm them, accompany them, open their eyes, and help them deal with their problems. Offer them a way up and out of their predicament, so that they can further praise Your holy name, and so that they can help others in Your name. Come to their aid. We are asking Lord, and ready to accept You, to heal their body, minds and spirits... your way.

Lord Jesus, you held out a hand of mercy to so many who look for your help. Take hold of their hand and see them through this time of trouble. Grant them the courage to greet each new day. Renew their faith in your healing touch and help them to put their trust entirely in you in the days that lie ahead. Keep them close to you, that they may find comfort and peace in the nearness of your unfailing love.

Enlarge their thinking, be with them, keep them from evil, help them with their burdens and keep them from grief, amen (1 Chr 4 10).

Holy spirit, I ask you to minister to their spirit at this very moment. Where there is pain, give them your peace. Where there is self doubt, release a renewed confidence through your grace.

I lift them up to You, Father, and into Your hands I commend my spirit and theirs.

Father, take this burden from them. There's nothing else they can do. It's happening. It's out of their hands.

Lord have mercy on us.

+ In the name of the Father, the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, amen.


-not copyrighted, by Willy

Dallas Waxing Eloquently

OK, so I've weightlifted with my buddy Dallas for twenty years now. He's usually quiet but every now and then the Holy Spirit comes out and he gets philosophical. That happened tonight.

I mentioned that I did not want to hurt this massage therapist's feelings and Dallas responded with "Did you miss your first day of Codependents Anonymous? Where you stood up and said 'Hi, I'm Willy, and I am not responsible for anybody else's feelings.'" "Oh!" I said, "Let me write that down... that's good," as I reached for my cell phone while he did some reps.

That wound him up and he hardly paused, continuing, "I remember Doctor Smith telling me the three different types of dependency:"

Lord, I trust you to take care of me, and not some other things or people. - Prayer of the dependent.

Lord I trust you to take care of me, and not me take care of me. - Prayer of the overly independent.

Lord I trust you to take care of the people that you bring into my life, and not me take care of them (don't be quick to take care of them). - Prayer of the Codependent.

"Unconditional love is a fantasy. People can't do it. Can only get it from God. God desires to fill my vacuum. People try to fill it with drugs, sex, money, muscles and etc." Amen to that, brother.

The Angel Waved

The angel looked like a cloud against the red sunset, and she waved at me... for the longest time. It was pleasant.

I always thought that if I was ever in one of those "Touched By An Angel" episodes in real life, the minute the angel lit up, I'd have a stroke or heart attack and die of fright.

This one was not frightful. She was just saying "hi." I'm lucky to have recognized her. It took a while.

- © 2010 by Willy

The Why Of It...

My daughter had a boyfriend heartache, so she came home to talk to an old friend. The breakthrough came: "She told me something powerful: 'You may be all the Jesus some people see.'"

Now, that's a terrific solution statement, no matter what the problem is, but it's difficult for this ol' engineer to understand matters of the heart. Experience 'em, yes, but understand, no. Engineers do heads, not hearts.

I had earlier reminded her that the last stage in grief is acceptance, but now I just listened and took her out and showed her some stress-reducing things that work for me and may work for her too, like feeding the ducks and hanging out by a gurgling brook. We hiked in my backyard mountain... the inchworms were raining down this weekend, no doubt incubating in our oak-pine-hickory canopy above, but more about that some other time.

You would think that figuring out life is easy... that the number of heartaches someone will experience in their lifetime (Nh) is equal to the number of temptations (Nt) that occur times the probability of succumbing to temptation given the temptation (Ps/t). But life is not an equation Nh = Nt x Ps/t. And Ps/t is tough to figure. Life is not Yes or No, Black or White... it's endless grayscale, infinite graduations of brightness and hues of an uncountable number of colors, with a timescale and with many strings attached.

But I do agree that cutting down the number of temptations, and me behaving like Jesus, does result in a simpler life with less heartache... for me and for you too.


- © 2010 by Willy

The Tree Winked At Me…

Well, that’s kind of what it looked like. No, Alice wasn’t ten foot tall and I wasn’t high or drunk. I was just enjoying the warming weather of Spring and out for a neighborhood mountain stroll... with a smile on my face. Life is good and my world is right, no matter what is said in the news.

I think and meditate while I hike. At the time I saw that tree, I was thinking that the serendipity of life is a fragile thing. Life can change in a hurry. Much can happen, both positive and negative. You never know what’s going to come up next. You must prepare with school and network, work hard, develop the right attitude and be good… but life is unpredictable. The question of what is good and bad gets answered in hindsight. Stuff happens… which some may call luck… but I like to think of it as grace.

Grace and blessings to you too.

- © 2010 by Willy

P.S., yes, I winked back at the tree... but no one saw me, so it must not have happened.

Inspiration

The daffodils bloomed, I noticed this morning after another week out of town... this one attending an important week-long meeting for work. Maybe the blooms were there before but I haven't been home much and I've been too busy to notice. Something tells those things to bloom at this time every year, whether somebody is around to see it or not.

Why did I bloom? ... and acquire my past and current responsibilities? Why not stock a grocery store? Why did I pursue the dream instead of staying home and taking care of my mother? Or of my crazy ex? Why did I even have the dream? Did I get "lucky," or was it inspiration... spiritus... the divine breath?

Does the fact that I bloomed matter? Do I delight someone's gaze? Did I help something happen or help somebody out? Have I made a difference? Did I contribute? Did I follow The Plan? Those are good questions that may or may not have an answer, but I hope for the affirmative.

But I did not bloom by myself, and I am counting on staying on... on the straight and narrow... by using a wish and a prayer. That seems to work better than anything else.


- © 2010 by Willy

P.S., Chaos Theory says that everybody and everything matters.

Closer to heaven, again

Another adventure: I did another Mt LeConte lodge hike last weekend. These have become easier as compared to other hikes, but they are still enjoyable. At 6,600 feet high, it's closer to heaven than is my home turf. I enjoy both the journey up and then the relaxing at the top. On a clear day you can see Gatlinburg off the cafeteria deck. If I'm lucky, I'm alone and quiet... and I can reflect.

Our group broke up into fast and slow, with the slow group going up the easier Trillium Gap Trail.

This time on the climb I hung around the back as sweep because one of the fast ladies wasn't feeling good (somebody has to stay with the problem and another goes for help). It ended up that she wasn't all that slow anyway, climbing the 6.6-mile (and 4,000-ft elevation change) Rainbow Falls Trail in 4 1/4 hours (including a break). This trail is visually and auditory stunning. On the way down she felt good and she and I led, making it down the same trail in 2 1/2 hours.

LeConte lodge is one of those remote but luxury places where dinner is ready at 5, sleeping is inside log cabins, and we leave right after breakfast. They bring supplies in twice a week by llama (via Trillium Gap Trail, yuck!) and once a year by helicopter.

The best thing is the feeling of being closer to heaven. There's no adventure quite like being hooked up with the creator of the universe.

- © 2009 by Willy

Above The Canopy

After reflecting for weeks on my hiking trip with Jennifer this year, I've realized that impossible things happen by the grace of God.

I got a grandstand seat to see the splendor of His majesty from a bald ridge six thousand feet high, but to do so spent my physical body beyond the possible, with no injuries nor trauma. There must have been angels there carrying me.




I took me a couple of weeks to get my strength back. I'm not attempting something like that again, but I had a great time... after the fact.

- © 2009 by Willy