It was a dark and stormy night...

"It was a dark and stormy night," or so Snoopy's book always starts.

If you're thinking this way, then you are going through another of life's little disappointments which may be unwelcome but are always expected.

We can't change the wind but we can set our sail. The sun will come up again tomorrow. The tide ebbs and flows.

We all get through these downers and on to yet another high.

I have had my own struggles at work and elsewhere. They're not as bad lately. I had divorces, an angry son, two unsuccessful dissertations, two hospital stays and other. Such is life.

My daughter is going through trauma now. I am proud of her and of what she has become. She has a great goal, she is resourceful, and she will get through this too. I'm glad that she's gotten herself some help. I think of her and pray for her several times a day. I look forward to her continued growth and her bright future... but it is her future, and she has to do it.


- text © 2011 by Willy

Detecting Residual Depression

Everything is relative. Comparison is necessary. A baseline, cornerstone or control case is absolutely essential, since measuring is done FROM a point.

When I find the measurement reference point from which I can judge progress, status or closure, I am a happy man.

I accidentally got a unexpected breakthrough recently in a three-year depression issue which I did not know I still had. It had to do with The Ex ignoring me when I ran into her after not having seen her for over three years. If she had instead pleasantly interacted with me that day, I would have been weak and possibly reopened undesired emotions. But, since she is what she is, she put my fears to rest and I was fortunate that, by ignoring me, she actually helped me with closure.

My world was bright but it's even brighter now.

It had been taking me an infinite amount of self-analysis in determining if my thinking is rational or erratic. I've found that not everything needs an explanation (yes, a strange statement coming from an engineer). Sometimes, things just happen because we choose for them to. I gave the devil her power. It was my choice. No more.

- © 2010 by WIlly

In The Head

I got into a discussion with my buddy John... with whom I've worked since 1977... regarding needing a hearing aid (me and my buddies are getting up there and the topic comes up more often now). For most of us, the noise floor is up, and thus the problem is the signal-to-noise ratio, i.e., tinnitus, a "ringing in the ear."


The reason I use quotes there is that my other buddy Jim had a conjecture that tinnitus is not a hardware problem but too high a loop gain in the brain. I validated that three years ago when I took anti-depressants and my own tinnitus went away. My problem-solving statement to John is that, when the time comes, I will try pills again before I get a hearing aid. Buddy Phil thinks that the tinnitus did not go away... that I just went to la-la land and didn't care, but I disagree. I ran a hearing level test with my bedroom HEPA filter fan level as reference, and I could hear fine with the fan off, whereas now (and before the anti-depresants) it takes two fan levels to drown out the tinnitus.

This begs to ask: What else do we have overgained? Clearly, anxieties, fears and panic come to mind... and surely depression is just a product of exhaustion due to anxiety overgain... but what else?

Seems to me that a lot of life is in the software... it's in the head.

Disclaimer: I'm not a doctor, just a dam' good engineer.


- © 2010 by Willy

Recovery

Recovery as in getting out of depression.

How do you finally quit the crying, climb out of that bowl you're in, get a move on, dare to come out of your shell, get back to the world, and get back to business? One way you could do this, in addition to seeing a psychologist, is to join a support group.

In your support group, you will learn that your recovery has to be selfish. Ask yourself what you need to do to take care of you. Create clarity for you, not for somebody else. There’s no need to explain yourself to others... Detach from others. Tell yourself that you're glad to be you. After all, it’s what you do to you that counts, so stand up on your own two feet and take care of yourself. Don’t give the other person power over you. And always make the choice that brings you peace and serenity.

And you will learn that recovery is a long journey.

By the grace of God go I.

- © 2008 by Willy
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We Are Blooming

The first things that bloom around here, in February, are Bradford pears, wild pears and plums... all pop out beautiful white flowers which drop before leafing out. The Bradford (ornamental) Pear has a characteristic and beautiful lollipop shape too, unlike the scraggly wild pear and plum.

At about the time the pears are dropping petals, the native Redbud trees start the same cycle. Flowering in mid-March, scrawny but populous like the wild pear, but pink in color, the Redwood flower petals have been dropping, and are rummored to taste like pepper. Redbuds grow well under our oak-hickory canopy.

In turn, the Redbuds drop all their petals in time for the Dogwoods to flower out, which is happening now, in April.

So we have a long, gorgeous, early flowering spring every year, with trees that shed their petals like snow.

It's beautiful to hike or bike through the falling flower petals, so we ourselves venture out to enjoy the nice temperatures and the blooming trees... and thus we ourselves are blooming out (of the house), with many things to do. Besides the fun things like hiking and bicycling, we also have yards and flowerbeds now, and home repair chores to do before it gets too hot. Blooming out for us also helps us put away our Winter blahs, anxieties and depressions. It's a great rebirthing or restarting process, both for nature and for people.

Supplement that with the right positive attitude, and kind words and deeds, and you can really change lives for the good. Our own included.

May all your weeds be wildflowers.


- © 2008 by Willy
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Staying Healthy

... in all ways.

We sure get rusty in the Winter, even though we think we're keeping our conditioning by doing gym machines or trainers. We don't. Winter is Winter, and offseason is offseason. And it's tough to break that rust off of us every Spring. Every time I think I have a solution, it never comes out right, and instead I have to count on enduring the ravages of Winter, maintaining some fitness, and having early Spring enthusiasm to get back to shape (the earlier in Spring the better). Winter comes to every season, every year, but Spring is not far behind.

The same is true with life in general. Every now and then there's a tough "Winter" that happens and hits us hard... and tries to snow us in. But we know in our hearts that it's followed soon by a Spring. The question is how to deal with Winter offseason... how to maintain some level of sanity... and how to remember to go back outside early in Spring. Winter can come from people, relationships, career or other stressors. Offseason training can range from pills to mental fortitude, thought control, praying and therapy. Spring is getting back to life and back to the peer group. And the key is positive enthusiasm and self-motivation, just like in riding.

Personally, I've had to lose 15 pounds of weight and 5 years of memories this Spring... and am on the way there. I'm breaking free from that rust.

- © 2008 by Willy
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Hurt

Today, I'm having a bad day. I'm hurting to the point that I wonder what my tombstone should say. What's different about today? How did I get this way... what triggered it? What am I doing about it? What is my solution? Did I suffer a relapse? Am I still waffling in and out of the edges of depression? When am I going to get out of this mess? It shouldn't take this long!

Is there ever a real solution to a broken heart? Probably not... I can't forget what happened, but then how do I learn to live with it? Geeeeze, this is a tough subject to address, much less to solve. I know that it's all about finding that ONE thing that will truly put my heart at rest.

I suspect that the problem is that there is no logic to it. It's an emotional problem and it seems to require an emotional solution. I know in my head that I have to let myself off the hook; to be kind to myself; to lower my self-expectations; to control my thoughts; to allow my poor heart to break a little; and, specially, to give it time. But it's all easier to say than do, and none of these seem to be emotional solutions.

I have my good days and my bad days. By training, I look for and try out different solutions, and that's what I do. Tomorrow will be a better day.

- © 2008 by Willy
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Fears

I have my fears, like everybody else. My fears don't drive me but detour me.

I'm afraid of doing too much for the dependant types out there, because they will never learn how to take care of themselves or others. And what a world we'd have if everybody was in lululand and nobody knew how to take care. Oh... we're there already!

I'm afraid of some people's unlimited appetite for cruelty. I can't ever predict what people are going to do... but I do know for certain that intimates have screwed up my life. I know that intimates started nice but eventually demanded control and pressed every button to be cruel and mentally abusive. Machines can't be cruel or abusive.

I'm afraid to love again, fall in unrequited love again, and get depressed again. This last honey about killed me with "love."

I'm afraid of being forced into a lack of continuity... like getting abandoned by friends or family, having to move, losing my memories due to fire, having to change jobs, and the like.

Isn't everyone afraid?

Scientists at Tokyo University say they were able to successfully switch off a mouse's instinct to cower at the smell or presence of cats - showing that fear is genetically hardwired and not learned through experience, as commonly believed.

Saint Thomas Aquinas said that hopelessness and despair are the devil's main weapon against us.

In order to fight these fears, I have to remember to allow the dependents to hit bottom and pick themselves up; to give up romantic relationships and just stick with friends; to provide continuity to my kids, family and friends; to continue to do the best I can possibly do; to continue to invite God into my life and look for His tokens of love for me.... and to laugh a lot.

I'm not afraid of any physical crash and burn situation, just the mental ones.

Psychologists justifiably make their fortunes on fear and depression.


- © 2007 by Willy
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Indicator I Was Doing Better

I laughed!

It's been a day-by-day progression out of depression and back into a life with a more positive outlook. It's been five months, and now I can laugh at the whole relationship foible. And now I can laugh at her too. She threw us away, but did us both a favor. If we did not think of the relationship as valuable enough to work at it and save it (and we didn't), then we should have split years ago... if we had a relationship at all to begin with. I found an email dated 2 months after she moved in, documenting problems that we never did solve 4 years later. Funny how hope prolongs your agony.

Now I'm happier, stronger and fitter. With continuing work to get hunk again to pre-relationship levels. I feel better physically and mentally, and look forward to the morning. I sleep better and say "Good morning, God!" rather than "Good God... morning!"

I doubt there will be any contact by her in the future, but if there is, I am not responding. That book is closed and burned. The thunder and lightning is over, and my mind is clear again. And, did I mention... I'm laughing!

-©2007 by Willy
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How I Got Out Of Depression

Or what worked for me!

I'm not a doctor, psychologist or counselor... just an engineer.

When my best friend and fiance left me, ending a 5-year committed relationship, it was a trigger that drove me deep into despondency or depression. I had become insignificant to her, but I was still heads-over-heels in love. Gave me a monster headache, but every part of my body hurt too, and I could hardly walk. God, it hurt!

First, my co-workers and buddies kept calling me, and I started to respond.

Then, I found a reason. There is an old Christian tradition that God sends each person into this world with a special message to deliver, with a special song to sing for others, with a special act of love to bestow. No one else can speak my message or sing my song or offer my act of love. These have been entrusted only to me. And thus, I had a mission.

Given that, I went to see a good psychologist, just for a few sessions. Insurance paid for half of the charges. He not only led me by the hand in this difficult time but also recommend that my doctor prescribe an antidepressant. I trusted my psychologist friend, because even I, myself, recognized my irrational thinking. The antidepressants took 4 weeks to work, and I needed that help yesterday. I wrote down what the psych said, and did what he suggested doing, too. Shrink and pills were both essential.

I continued to communicate with family and friends, co-workers and acquaintances, all who gave me the kindness I needed, but with the mindset to get over this trauma.

At first it seems impossible to do but I knew I had to take this emotional bull by the horn and wrestle him down to the ground... and only I could do this. I cried, yelled, took pills and fought my devils from the bottom of a bowl, but I had to plan to get on with my life, plan to become independent and plan to stand up with chest out. Yes, I had people helping, but it was me who had to do the work. Life IS good. I became a voracious reader of books and internet on the subjects of philosophy and psychology, and felt better.

After the grief settled, I became angry. I went for fitness hard. Began bicycle commuting to work, doing daily cardio, and lifting very heavy. I became ferocious!

And, most importantly, I kept in mind that others do not necessarily know more than I do. That is, I had to work hard to remind myself that what my significant other said and did was just her bullshit and her problem. I am a nice guy. I had to have confidence in myself. I told myself that I was going to get over this too, that I've done dam well and that I was going to shine again. At first nothing interested me, but I just kept plugging along like a machine... until I was able to have some fun, too. Came out of my shell, laughed out loud... at anything or nothing... to brighten my life.

I do better day by day. Some days I regress a bit, but that's OK, because I do better the next day.

When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on!

What works for you may not work for me, and vice-versa, so look for what does work for you. You have to have patience and faith.

Good Luck!

-©2007 by Willy
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