Happiness... On Relationships

My thinking on relationships... if you want to be with the one that makes you laugh, then you'd better find the levity to make yourself laugh first.

And/or just accept yourself and embrace the simple solitude. If so, then there's nobody to have to compromise with, nobody to distract me from Mother Nature, nobody to take away time with which to meditate... and nobody to ruin a beautiful sunset. That congruence, or lack of it, strikes me as funny.

My daughter pointed out to me that I have these cycles where for five or ten years I behave like a monk, then date somebody and get disgusted, returning to behaving like a monk for five or ten years.

I plan to add some damping to that cycle.

I plan to be happy.


-copyright 2014 by Willy

From The Noise

There is an awful lot of junk, stuff or noise out there. When watching TV, we are bombarded by ads; when driving we get the signs and billboards; when dealing with people, we deal with fakes and lies; and when reading an article or book, we read biases and opinion... when all we want to do is find content.

In dieting, we have junk food where we really should be taking in protein and high-grade carbs. In exercise, we have throw-away miles where we should be getting effective use of our time. Where's the beef?



In engineering, we call this finding the signal amidst the noise, and it's a rather difficult task. Noise makes up most of our world, by far. So much, that sometimes we can't find the signal... we have too many choices.

The real solution is an iterative one. You have to know what the signal looks like before you can recognize it, and thus many "looks" are postulated, and extraction attempted, before success can happen. We need to know what the signal looks like. We need to know the form of the answer before we can get the answer. We need to know what we need before we need it. Yes, it seems like double-talk, but it's true.

Not only that, but it is human to see something false out of the noise if we lack control. People want to react to the situation we're out of control in. This explains why TV is so effective. People feel out of control and TV talking heads helps them make sense of it, even if it's a false understanding and thus... brainwashing.

In the health and fitness area, it's about what motivation works for diet and exercise. I have found that silly goals are much better than logical goals... because silly goals are emotional and logical goals are not. We respond to emotional goals much better than common-sense goals. My current goal to trim down fat is to enter a bodybuilding contest (for which I have to show my abs). Amidst numerous logical reasons (noise) like heart attacks, blood pressure and diabetes, the possibility of embarrassment in a bodybuilding contest (signal) is working well for me.

Change your thoughts and you change your world.

- © 2013 by Willy

Correlations

A good engineer analyzes and correlates... that's what we do. And when we do, funny things come up.

When engineers discuss correlation, we ask how alike are two things or variables. In a plot of two variables like age and wisdom, we expect positive correlation. For other variables, like beauty and niceness, we expect no or negative correlation (as example, look at movie actors and actresses and their behavior).

Somewhat unfortunately (1) every thing or variable is related to every other thing or variable... not just one or two, and (2) emotions and biases mess up our analysis.

It is truly wonderful to find kind and nice people. I know a few of them... just ran into one of them. They are exceptional. They make the world right for me. What is even better is that they are also athletes... for whatever reason, athletes seem to be correlated to beauty and niceness. Or maybe it's me... I do not tolerate fools, I do not really like fat people, and I think sweat is the best makeup.

- text © 2013 by Willy

Dealing With a Threat

"No." I told the young panhandler at the Safeway grocery store door.

"You a rude son-of-a-b$#&$!" he said, lurching forward.

"Say that to someone your age." I said while putting my groceries in my backpack at the bike rack.

Then another twentysomething joined the first as the first continued the insults: "Bring one, you son-of-a-..."

Now, this 62-year-old can take one young punk, but not two. So instead I went inside the store and told the Service Desk. By the time I came back outside, the two punks were gone.

I thought to myself: This assault is in a nice neighborhood, mid-morning, at a nice store called SAFEway... how ironic. There just isn't relief, even on vacation.

Then I bicycled away. Bicycling away from a threat works!

-copyright 2012 by Willy

On Solitude

There is no one waiting by the green light at the end of Daisy's dock, and there will never be. I have a very comfortable solitary life elsewhere, and I like it this way.

There is a big difference between solitude and loneliness... a matter of choice. Loneliness is depression, whereas choosing solitude is enjoyment... for time at work, bicycles, mountains and gyms with a better sense, clearer mind and healthier body. I sleep better, see more, feel better and enjoy life.

I have analyzed my ex-wife and my other relationships. I now realized that I am blessed not to be encumbered by them. I have no albatross around my neck... and want none ever more.

I used to think that it was a tradeoff, a balance between joys and sorrows, but I now realize that there was only short-term joy and long-term sorrow.

The monks are correct in their solitude, however, even THEY pledge obedience to their abbot... the head monk. No way!


- © 2012 by Willy

P.S., No way!

Sing Song

"Love me tender, love me sweet, never let me go..."

I've been hearing that refrain all day, perhaps due to my noticing of tomorrow's play of the 1956 Elvis movie on the tube. I whistled it continuously during my long Thanksgiving day before-dinner hike today.

When I was a kid... before Elvis... my mother sang a fairly similar lullaby. I felt very cuddled in hearing it. In turn, I hummed this Elvis tune to my kids to relax them at bedtime. Not only that, but I still self-medicate to this ditty. Lullabies are meant to function just so, and work amazingly well.

I'm in the midst of some turmoil: A nutty young punk threatened to beat me up and has evoked memories of early school bullies. I've been sleeping with a shotgun, and Elvis calms me down.

Or perhaps I was hearing God's lullaby.

Prayers can be the darnest things... whistling a lullaby!

More conventional: "For exercise to calm the body and prayer to calm the mind, I am truly thankful, amen."

It's best to accept the situation, prepare for a possible eventuality, and go through channels... calmly.


- non-Elvis text © 2011 by Willy

It Does Matter

Lending a hand with loving kindness can change everything.

Does the flap of a butterfly’s wings in Brazil set off a tornado in Texas? Edward Lorenz in 1972 stated that the flapping wing could cause a chain of events leading to large-scale phenomena.

We each start changing the world the second we are conceived. Day by day, action upon action, smile upon smile, act after act, one decision after another we form our character and that of others, and change the world in significant ways. If a butterfly's wings affect the environment, what you and I do matters powerfully... beyond our imagination.

We're stronger when we think. Life is a game in which every act that we undertake... working, hiking, helping... each of those choices is a move, and every move forms the next, and that changes us. One action has a chorus of consequences. Like moves on a chessboard. The way to win is by playing.

Nothing in life comes without a struggle. The butterfly struggles out of its cocoon. Turmoil, conflict and chaos are all parts of life. Screaming and laughter occur simultaneously in every playground, and in every life. Out of that mayhem come relationship, love and joy.

Life is always surprising.

We are always stronger than we think.

We can't control everything but we can think and control ourselves and by that we indirectly affect others. Every new decision is another chance to do the right thing... it's all about what you do next.

Everybody matters. Everything matters. Everybody and everything is connected. Pass it on.


- © 2011 by Willy

P.S., The problem is the aholes... Lord Jesus have mercy on me.

Action

I'm hyperactive... have ants in my pants and passion in my soul.

I am now packing, ultralight, for a Maine hike. I leave very early Saturday after a night of barbie and brew with the boys.

I had been squeezing in 3 hours of daily cardio, besides the lifting. This week of rest has reminded me that I just don't idle well. The throttle needs to be darn near full-open for this machine to be happy. This applies to all aspects, from work to home and to sleep. At work I've hired 10 new people this past year and my day is still an all-day heart attack. Then I dissipate more fuel afterwards at the gym or outside. Unless I'm exhausted, I don't sleep well, nor feel happy. I'm at my best when I'm contributing fully at what I like. I may not retire until I wear out completely. In the meantime, I'm thoroughly enjoying every adventure, big or small. More hikes and bikes, local and far, as well as growing an army of replacements at work.


It's all about the journey. It's not about watching. It's not about catching what's coming. It's about initiating action to get... anywhere.

I took after my daughter that way.


- © 2010 by Willy

Struggling Is Good

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were allowed to go through life without obstacles, it would cripple us... we would not be as strong as we could have been. Struggle is growth.

I'm mentally and physically tougher today because I've often struggled with work, kids, relationships and injuries. Relationships have been the toughest... I told my ex that I'd rather get shot than divorced. Monday I will effectively struggle with dozens of difficult people and scores of email where forty years ago I was struggling to know myself. Today I struggled pressing 100-lb dumbbells but twenty years ago it was 20-pounders, and in a week I will struggle with days of all-day hiking where fifty years ago it was the second lap around the track. I accept and even welcome these struggles.

Unlike Popeye, I am what I am, but that's not all that I am. Life will continue to hammer and strengthen me.


- © 2010 by Willy

We're Selfish

A car tried to take me out today. In a residential area!

It was a beautiful, sunny day... but my red blinky was on anyway, and I had my hi-viz jersey. I was signaling left turn and was at the middle of the road and had eye contact but this man overtakes and passes me anyway, doing 50.

It happens all of the time. More and more, rogue drivers don't care about rules because it's all about them. I gave up riding out in the county because of all the meth heads out there. One redneck hit one of the ladies last month, snapping her neck, and no charges were filed against him. Nor against the idiot that took out the touring legend next town over, a couple of years ago. Nor against the gal that hit buddy Dave and left him with a paralyzed left arm. Nor that crazy doctor out west that intentionally tried to take out a pack of racers. Nor against any other driver that hits a rider. It's not right. Only if a gun is used do the cops go after him.

"Without rules we are each at the whim of a stronger neighbor." - Thomas Hobbs.

It seems that rules don't matter to cops nor to drivers.

- © 2010 by Willy

The Why Of It...

My daughter had a boyfriend heartache, so she came home to talk to an old friend. The breakthrough came: "She told me something powerful: 'You may be all the Jesus some people see.'"

Now, that's a terrific solution statement, no matter what the problem is, but it's difficult for this ol' engineer to understand matters of the heart. Experience 'em, yes, but understand, no. Engineers do heads, not hearts.

I had earlier reminded her that the last stage in grief is acceptance, but now I just listened and took her out and showed her some stress-reducing things that work for me and may work for her too, like feeding the ducks and hanging out by a gurgling brook. We hiked in my backyard mountain... the inchworms were raining down this weekend, no doubt incubating in our oak-pine-hickory canopy above, but more about that some other time.

You would think that figuring out life is easy... that the number of heartaches someone will experience in their lifetime (Nh) is equal to the number of temptations (Nt) that occur times the probability of succumbing to temptation given the temptation (Ps/t). But life is not an equation Nh = Nt x Ps/t. And Ps/t is tough to figure. Life is not Yes or No, Black or White... it's endless grayscale, infinite graduations of brightness and hues of an uncountable number of colors, with a timescale and with many strings attached.

But I do agree that cutting down the number of temptations, and me behaving like Jesus, does result in a simpler life with less heartache... for me and for you too.


- © 2010 by Willy

Crafting Each Day Into a Masterpiece

There are all kinds of people. Some people enjoy the challenge of winning a game through manipulation. Some people enjoy the chaos and drama that their bad choices make. Some people enjoy venting their rage at others due to their own inadequacies. Others enjoy being led by lust hormones. And yet others enjoy just being stoned into another world, doing nothing. Many do all of the above.

If there were no fools, there would be no wise men.

Lucky for me that I chose to enjoy crafting each day into a masterpiece.

I enjoy the feeling of accomplishment each and every day. And I enjoy others who feel and do the same. I put my name on my achievements, as well as that of all my helpers. My life is a do-it-yourself shop with ant-like collaboration. You see, there's this good old DO network... we know and enjoy each other. Birds of a feather, you know. A terrific subculture. We include the interested but exclude the fools.

We each craft based on desire, knowledge, activity and kindness. The most common result of these is harmony, happiness and satisfaction. Together, our collective efforts result in a variety of masterpieces for better lives and bigger smiles, the side effects of which are many innovations in engineering.
Some crafts are a little esoteric but the resulting masterpieces are better vehicles, better communication, more entertainment, medical advances and increased security... for better living.

Without our masterpieces, this world would be dark, indeed.


- © 2009 by Willy

Faith

I have lived a long and good life and my experiences have made a cynic and skeptic out of me. Like Saint Thomas feeling Jesus' nailholes, I believe only what I can see and touch.


Case One:

Although I've been blessed to have been surrounded mostly by good people, I can't help but notice the huge variability. Just like there have been horrible people, there are some at the other end of the distribution too... I've seen and touched people who are sweet, sensitive, tender, empathetic, caregiving, loving and have a positive attitude. They exist. I'm deeply impressed by them, and thankful... I feel blessed to have the gift of these friendships. There is good in this world, just like there is evil too.

I believe in angels.


Case Two:

When my young son took up skateboarding many years ago, he hurt himself many a time skating down the steep driveway. That didn't mean that I was a bad father for allowing it to happen. It was his decision. In every case, I picked him up, and took him to the emergency room. The same is true for me and my Father... when bad things happen, in every case, He is right there to pick me up. He's touched me.

I believe in God.


- © 2009 by Willy

Words

"Do you want me to come visit you?" said my wife on the phone as I lay in a hospital bed after a wreck, in May 1982. It was a terrible thing to say at a horrible time. I had no response. She didn't visit, and we divorced soon after that.

"You were terrific!" said the note from friend Donna. It was January 1987 and I had just sat down from giving a talk. It was a nice thing to do. I still have that note tacked up, and I still smile.

We have to be VERY careful with what we say. Words are powerful. They can be used to curse or bless, to be angel or demon... or anything in between. We've all experienced a broken heart, probably more than once, and suspect that in some suicides... words can kill.

Everything we say and do matters, and it is our decision... an awesome responsibility and a powerful choice... to effect good or bad. To better the world, or not.

On the other hand, everything is also a test, disguised to give you the freedom of choice. We'll eventually be held accountable, here... and there too.

-© 2009 by Willy

War Game... not!

In the 1980s I was sooo tired of fighting difficult people at work, a domineering mother, preteen kids I was raising alone, a crazy ex-wife and a pain-in-the-butt significant other, that I began my dissertation based upon an article and collaborative experiment at Scientific American magazine. It was on the opposite of War Games. The magazine asked readers to submit their solutions to a one-on-one transaction problem that gave points to benefit societal win-win cooperation. Geek readers submitted all kinds of complex and esoteric solutions but the one that won was simple, and the field of Game Theory was blessed with Nice, Clear, Procable and Forgiving.

This one-on-one transaction scenario, the cooperative version of what is unfortunately called The Prisoner's Dilemma, deals with an exchange between two entities. For example, as when buying an item over the internet, three outcomes are possible. Hopefully the buyer gives his credit card information and the seller sends buyer the requested item, in which case both win, and both buyer and seller get two points each. The second possible outcome is where the buyer sends credit card information but the seller does not send the item, therefore the seller wins three points and the buyer zero. The third possible outcome is where the buyer sends a fraudulent payment but the seller sends the item, and the buyer wins three points and the seller gets zero. Seem familiar?

Key is that, overall, a win-win nets more total points to society than that of the other two outcomes, and that there is a clearly demarcated start and end to the transaction, which is iterated multiple times.

The solution was to be Nice, Clear, Provocable and Forgiving...

   - Nice: My entity starts "nice" (whether buying or selling) in the first transaction, trusting... the honeymoon.

   - Clear: Both entities are aware of (but don't have to agree to) this solution/rules.

   - Provocable: When either buyer or seller screws the other, at the next transaction the loser screws the winner.

   - Forgiving: Then everything is forgiven, with no rancor and no grudge held, to start fresh at the following transaction.

Such a simple and naive set of rules couldn't possible win, you say? It did, over a Kalman Filter based Estimation Theory solution and every other engineer/scientist's submission, which were numerous.

When I used it, what it did was to regiment or train me to follow a wining procedure... sort of like dog obedience classes actually train the owner, not the dog.

When used, this solution works great in dating, but, unfortunately, this one-on-one format does not conform well to marriage, since marriage does not have individual transactions with clearly demarcated start and end, but is a continuous form. It also works good with acquaintances, friends and family. The work situation is mixed, not one-on-one, so only part of the work environment benefits from using this solution.

Since formulated, this solution has spread like wildfire in the interested technical and psychological communities, with extensions attempted for one-on-many couplings, blurred start/ends, and other interesting situations.

This solution worked for me before, and I now need it again, so I've brought out my figurative brass knuckles.

- © 2009 by Willy

Mistakes

There are many stories about unintentional pregnancies due to the risk of contraceptive failure. In one case, the girl confessed to her OB/GYN that she had always viewed pregnant single girls as either incredibly stupid or incredibly selfish, to which he responded "Or they’re incredibly human."

I'm less obvious, but I carry all sorts of baggage, including old mistakes... stupid, emotional and selfish, but human. I've been lucky in that I've recovered, however, I may be blind to my own faults while eager to point out their sins to others. Very human.

I hate somebody else trying to control me and change me. One of my sins may be that since I want to control my own life, I may extend control to those around me in some sense or in part. I don't mean to do this, but the difference between controlling myself and controlling my immediate environment is fuzzy indeed.

I am thankful for being just the way I am, and thus I have to be thankful for them being just the way they are too, no matter what. We are all intentionally diverse. It's a lie to think we're not good enough. Whether we're going to get through life or not is all up to each of us... not just me. There's a lot of healing in letting go... the acceptance of others.... and concentrating on fixing myself.

Just don't encroach into my environment.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change... courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.


- © 2008 by Willy
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Keep Quiet

T. Boone Pickens once said that the higher a monkey climbs a tree, the more people that can see his ass.

Visibility has its drawbacks. You are a big, obvious target that others can not only sling mud at but shoot down too.

I like where I am. It's amazing to me how much power I have from the bottom. I can get a lot done without getting seen. And I don't get shot at.

The key to my mental health is to keep my head down. Survival is to say nothing and to try a little to look like I might know what I'm doing, which I do. I just keep quiet, and get things done.

All the monkeys up high spend most of their time and effort throwing mud at each other, and sometimes one of them gets killed. People can be such asses.

Not for me!

- © 2008 by Willy
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Recovery

Recovery as in getting out of depression.

How do you finally quit the crying, climb out of that bowl you're in, get a move on, dare to come out of your shell, get back to the world, and get back to business? One way you could do this, in addition to seeing a psychologist, is to join a support group.

In your support group, you will learn that your recovery has to be selfish. Ask yourself what you need to do to take care of you. Create clarity for you, not for somebody else. There’s no need to explain yourself to others... Detach from others. Tell yourself that you're glad to be you. After all, it’s what you do to you that counts, so stand up on your own two feet and take care of yourself. Don’t give the other person power over you. And always make the choice that brings you peace and serenity.

And you will learn that recovery is a long journey.

By the grace of God go I.

- © 2008 by Willy
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Recovery

As in the road to recovery.

Recovery, from anything, is not quick. Think about however long it took me to get to my predicament (all my life?). Experts say that it will take about half that same amount to get recovered. I thought my own would be quick, but it hasn't been. They say it's the steadfast progress... the journey... that counts, not the perfection. This little ditty says it well (poem by Portia Nelson):

___________________

I walk down the street, and there is a deep hole in the pavement. I fall in. I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the street, and there is a deep hole in the pavement. I pretend I don't see it and I fall in again. I can't believe I did it again. It isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the street, and there is a deep hole in the pavement. I see it there. I still fall in because it's a habit. But my eyes are open. I know where I am. It certainly is my fault. I get out immediately.

I walk down the street, and there is a deep hole in the pavement. I walk around it.

I walk down a different street.
___________________


Recovery has to be at my own pace... which has ended up being slow and in stages marked by light bulbs going off in my head accompanied by sounds of "Ahhhh."

By the grace of God go I.

- text other than poem © 2008 by Willy
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Kindness

Kindness is helping someone in need, not in return for anything, nor for the advantage of the helper, but for that of the person helped (Aristotle). At least that is the classical thought and definition.

It is a rare delight to meet that unusual and admirable person with the easy-flowing kind words and nice smile. Nice words don't cost a cent but produce miraculous results to a wounded spirit. But take another look at this kind person, and recognize what this act of kindness does back to him or her.

It is said we should be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle... you and me both.

How necessary is kindness? I can't think of anything more important in life. Like love, kindness is its own language, and can be sometimes confused with love. Kindness and love are the most curative agents in human interaction (Nietzsche). And this cure affects both the doctor and the patient.

Choose to be kind and good-natured... you will do irreparable good to yourself.

- © 2008 by Willy

P.S., How do you change the world? One small act of kindness at a time.

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