What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger?

To me, there is no doubt that this statement itself is a strong and healing antidepressant.

But is it right? Like everything black-and-white, the answer is usually a shade of gray. There are many things that are not readily apparent but eventually kill. Physical and mental illness are not immediate like a car wreck, but in time can result the same.

In hindsight, what made me stronger was simple, heartfelt affection, a sweet word, a tender touch, a kindness... some people made it better. What keeps it better is that other people walked out and did no further harm. Continued and sustained drama and depression almost got me. So, one of my goals is to outlive the itches and astards. I figured it out: What it took to make me stronger was people's kindness but what keeps me strong is giving up people... and embracing solitude.

That was the decision of my life... it seems so simple now... to live a rich life but veer away from those that can kill you. I decided for life..

- © 2012 by Willy

I Am Many

It had rained much. Huffing and puffing, hiking fast solo on the trail yesterday, I could hear Jennifer saying, "You've got boots, dad... just step into that mud." So I sank in the bog a couple of inches, powered my way forward without losing my boot, and lost no time. Later, going hard on a steep uphill, "Lengthen your stride." Soon Dallas was saying, "Shoulders back, man." Most of the time I was hiking I heard various priests from the past saying "Miserere nobis," to which I added "for your people in Japan, Father," in virtual community. Then I increased tempo and intensity.

A couple of weeks ago while pulling up front against cold wind on my fat tire commuting bike, spin class instructor Ed's comments were with me, "Use your quads. Pull those legs up. You won't win any events unless you do," and Roger's, "Forget about pushing the pedal, that will happen all by itself." So, I concentrated on pulling up. Then Karen's "Relax that upper body so you'll have blood for your legs" came through. So I relaxed wrapped onto the bars, concentrated, and increased to 18, still shivering but no longer wishing I had a second layer.

A week ago while on TDY, I wondered around downtown and I heard Jon, "Watch for the gypsies, put your wallet in the front pocket," and Joel's "Know them but don't meet their eyes. Do discipline of the eyes." At the food court it was Anna saying "More fruits and vegetables!" And then "Good thing you took a taxi," yes, thanks whoever told me that, if any. I'm getting old and I need discipline and safety, not that kind of adventure. Then I went back to the motel and worked a machine for an hour and a half and walked 20 flights of stairs.

I've been carrying a lot of people with me, but they feel light. They're my brothers and sisters. My Father, the head coach, coaches me through them.


- © 2011 by Willy

Pre-emptive Strike

I left work a little bit early yesterday when the sleet started. Yesterday's frozen precip froze into solid ice sheets overnight, so it looked like yet another boring day at home today. I did have two technical reports to work on, but then I had them a month ago when I got trapped home for three days.

So, in 20 degrees and some wind, I slipped my reports into a backpack, dressed in boots and down, and hiked down my hill to my favorite coffee shop (with binoculars, I could see cars at the coffee shop, so it was open). It was a nice adventure, even though it was only a couple of miles. I walked on crunchy frozen grass and slipped a couple of times at driveways. At the coffee shop I sat by a window, had breakfast AND lunch while working on the reports, and even took a picture of the house.

It felt good to have fought my anxieties with this preemptive strike. It was exhilarating... no feelings of being trapped today.

I was thinking of walking to the gym afterwards but reduced the risk and just went home instead. It was another couple of miles and maybe a 400' climb to get back. Tomorrow morning's early spin class will come soon enough, and things have dried out enough by tonight to drive, even though temps will be in the teens. Besides, I hiked 5 hours on Sunday, lifted Monday and yesterday, and did abs and step classes on Tuesday.

Being proactive and preemptive is the solution for the heebie-jeebies, whether trapped at home or trapped in a relationship, and makes for good mental health.

- © 2011 by Willy

P.S., I'm confused. I thought I lived in the south, so what's with this continuing snow and ice?

Dallas Waxing Eloquently

OK, so I've weightlifted with my buddy Dallas for twenty years now. He's usually quiet but every now and then the Holy Spirit comes out and he gets philosophical. That happened tonight.

I mentioned that I did not want to hurt this massage therapist's feelings and Dallas responded with "Did you miss your first day of Codependents Anonymous? Where you stood up and said 'Hi, I'm Willy, and I am not responsible for anybody else's feelings.'" "Oh!" I said, "Let me write that down... that's good," as I reached for my cell phone while he did some reps.

That wound him up and he hardly paused, continuing, "I remember Doctor Smith telling me the three different types of dependency:"

Lord, I trust you to take care of me, and not some other things or people. - Prayer of the dependent.

Lord I trust you to take care of me, and not me take care of me. - Prayer of the overly independent.

Lord I trust you to take care of the people that you bring into my life, and not me take care of them (don't be quick to take care of them). - Prayer of the Codependent.

"Unconditional love is a fantasy. People can't do it. Can only get it from God. God desires to fill my vacuum. People try to fill it with drugs, sex, money, muscles and etc." Amen to that, brother.

Free After Three Days

Spin bike for three days of being snowed in, followed by walking the stairs and doing various pushups. Then working on work stuff I had brought home.

Boooring.

But I broke out today!

After three days, a plow... actually a front-end-loader-backhoe... came by the neighborhood and carved a path in the snow and ice. Unfortunately, it shoved a lot of that snow and ice right into my parked cars (my driveway is too steep). It took me an hour and a half of shoveling to free the van (a good back workout), but then came freedom. Sweet freedom. I shed that ball and chain. No more heebie-jeebies. Trapped no more.

Lordy, how in the world did I ever think I could be in any kind of relationship?


- © 2011 by Willy

Goals Vs. Resolutions

I don't know all the answers but goal setting seems better than new year's resolutions. Goals force the discipline that enables the journey.

Also, goals like big hikes... instead of a resolution to stay fit... inspire and motivate me.

This year I'll be doing a two-week High Sierras hike besides the traditionally tough one-week hike with my daughter.

Last year I noticed that I'm going for quality of life. That is, I chose to avoid slow suicide due to overweight-related old-age problems like diabetes, high blood pressure, strokes and heart attacks. And in order to do so I must stay fit through diet and exercise. This would give me independence in old age.

Besides, I enjoy nature, so I enjoy my long hikes... and being able to do them is a goal too. Circular logic, isn't it?

And having discipline with this helps me with "that." Lots of "that's."

I'll be using meditation and solitude with my discipline for training, but with a lot of community help.


- © 2010 by Willy

My Wives

Daughter Jennifer did not like her from square one, when Aussie, my GPS, kept saying "make a u-turn" but I kept going forward. "Make a u-turn." I just laughed, first at Aussie and then at Jennifer's frustration. I said "she's just like a wife."
"Make a u-turn," Aussie insisted.

Jennifer and I... and Aussie... were driving down to meet my retired, close, cousin at a west Florida beach for a family reunion Christmas tradition. As we got closer to our unfamiliar destination, I followed Aussie's instructions. Aussie took us down through downtown Tampa, traffic light upon traffic light, then back up north to the beaches. Jennifer looked up at me and remarked "she's your wife!"

Aussie is one of my wife-substitutes, just like Jan is my massage wife-substitute, Monica my housekeeper, Mary my doctor, Anna keeps me on diet, Kirstin and Karen for spinning and yoga fitness training, and so on. I need them and depend on them, as well as my work helpers and my buddies, to get through life. Some times I do what they say, but not always... just like with a real wife, sometimes I AM smarter than my wife.

These are all dependent relationships. They may be business or social, and may have brotherly love or kindness. Obviously there is no romance, otherwise they wouldn't last, since I am no good at romantic relationships and relish the calmness of solitude at home. No delusions, and no problems, either. Some of these relationships date back a lifetime... much longer than my real marriage... probably because I got to go home.

I do what I can with what I've got... but I've got plenty of help. Thank God for them. And thanks to my Godsends.

"Recalculating."



- © 2010 by Willy

Can't Do Solitude

Engineers are antisocial creatures that would much prefer to work behind a locked door, occasionally getting fed. They are different from others in that they excel in solitude. But, like perfection, solitude is just not attainable. In addition, it's been shown that solitude is not healthy. There is happiness in community, and even Trappist monks have community. Can't stop the world and get off.

For example, one engineer who struggled with this issue his whole life finally retired to a cabin in the remotest Yukon. Year in and year out, he relished his newfound solitude. One day he hears a pounding knock, opens his door and is amazed to find a character at his doorstep.


The burly guy says "Hi, I'm your next-door neighbor, 30 miles south, here to invite you to a welcoming party this Saturday night."



There is a sled outside and his dogs are barking.

After a long pause, the incredulous engineer finally says "Welcoming party? Out here?"

"Yep" says the character.

"With people?"

"Yep."

"With music?"

"Yep."

"With drinking?"

"Yep."

"And carousing?"

"Yep."

"And sex?"

"Yep."

"How many do you expect?"

"Just you and me."





- © 2010 by Willy

P.S. Solitude is a choice. Loneliness is not.

To Some Degree

People are not good or bad, not black or white, but shades of grey and hues of colors. We are all different, and we don't all think alike, but there's more to it than that. It seems to me that we all may have some amount of mental illness, i.e., we're all a little crazy. Specifically, it seems to me that the recipee for a good engineer scientist is equal parts smarts, anti-social, Asperger's, OCD and ADD/hyperactivity... or otherwise they wouldn't be good engineers.

Every good male engineer or scientist I've known had some degree of emotional issue and came unequipped to cope. The nerdy, geeky engineer's only saving grace was that he made a good living. Unfortunately, that drew the wrong girls. The engineer then got distracted by relationship and subsequent marriage and lost his edge, therefore losing his career, his marriage, his assets and his mind. The girl that understood did quite well, considering marriage a profitable business arrangement with a long time-constant. The engineer was not interested and didn't understand the expectation, time sequence nor duration and repeated the process a few times in his lifetime, bumping into love, when he should have instead understood what he is... good technically but incapable of social interaction nor romantic love. Read Einstein's life (or the many others). And, yes, me too.

The young engineer that understands early on, and does not succumb, has an tremendous, fulfilling career of significant contribution and great mental health. The engineer that understands in mid-life does contribute, to some limited extent, and finds calmness in life with the help and brotherly love of friends. The ones that never get it just waste their lives.

It would be like a tall thin kid trying to wrestle, or a powerlifter trying track. It just don't work. Gotta use your given talents.

- © 2010 by Willy

It's All About What We Want

Yes, it's our choice, it's our mindset, and it's our attitude.

My front yard has a brick flowerbed with a variety of planted flowers. Out my front door I see gorgeous sunsets every evening. The back yard always has wildflowers blooming, beautiful fall leaf colors and year-round wild animals and birds. I feed, plant and enjoy it. I find it comfortable, soothing and entertaining... and good for my mental health. But I confess that I will see a beautiful view even if I was looking at a brick wall. Just because I want to.

I also stay very busy at work, where I think of myself contributing and indispensable, with daily battles between right and wrong. In a visible setting, in spite of reprimands, I help good people... anonymously when I can... and stay away from the bad. Because I can and want to.

I don't have tinnitus, arthritis/joint/back pain and my feet don't hurt. Instead, I listen to people and do activities to the max. This in turn allows me to further enjoy sun and trees, sweat and wind... life. Because I want to.

I invite my Higher Power in, and my conscience is always talking to me. Decision are thought out in consensus. So it is all about what I want out of life. I've discussed this with my monk friends: it's all about evoking self-discipline, now; about continuously controlling thoughts and attitudes; and about discipline of the eyes. After some mistakes in life, I want to.

It's about watching your form while you lift. It's work, but otherwise you tear yourself up.

And it's about living the dream.


- © by Willy

Possible Solutions To Any Problem

One solution is to embrace uncertainty rather than fight it.
Acceptance is a solution.
Reaching out with kindness.
Making a difference.
Accomplishing something.
Practicing how you play, and play how you practice.
Remembering that everything matters.
Injecting less libido and testosterone into the equation.
Do not reduce the other to a conquered opponent.
When all is said and done, the simple things in life
      will beat the complicated every time.
Do the right thing, no matter the repercussions.
In every relationship, it helps to be a little deaf.
      - Supreme Court Justice Ginsburg.
Do not stand in the way of a person's dream.
We can't choose how we feel but we can choose what we DO about it.
It's better to wear out than to rust out.
Do not confuse love with sex, or sex with love.
Be careful with the type of love you give and accept.
Look deep: character cannot be strengthened by makeup.
Fight the good fight, and finish the race.

- © 2010 by Willy but many anons except for Ginsburg's

Outdated or Wiser?

The same things are true in life as in fitness and in faith.

Fall color is here and leaves are carpeting our trails. Fall comes and fall will go, just as sure as the sun will return tomorrow morning. But we learn more each year. This year I discovered ruins just beside my favorite hiking trail.

I am a 60-year-old engineer and am outdated in many things, but not The Big Picture. Yes, kids know eye-opening computer tricks and give me six significant digits of accuracy but oftentimes they get the first digit wrong... that is, they went the wrong way. Can't argue about results based on experience. We know that kids come and kids get old and go, and we all learn from each other.

The AIG/bank/wallstreet/auto bailout came a couple of decades after the Savings and Loan debacle. The economy is a shambles and we don't have the power to fix it, so we wring our hands until we remember that this, too, shall pass. It happened before and it will happen again. I have faith that as liberals come then liberals too will go. The tide comes in and the tide goes out. It ebbs and flows. Are the politicians protecting worthless bank assets incompetent or just crooks? Yes, and then they go, and we relearn not to trust them, or the banks.

We will discover the motivation to embark upon a good fitness plan... then receive an overuse injury or accident, and we stop to heal, and start all over again. Only this time we will risk less to overuse and pick where we ride.

We're living the good life and divorce happens and life gets sour. And life ebbs and flows again later. We get mad at God and then, in His time, we go back, wiser, and learn not to enter another relationship like that.

In my business, the cannon is as outdated as the slide rule, and so is the canon... all of the canons... because the truth is that nothing stays the same.

Life ebbs and flows, and there's much comfort and tranquility in knowing that, and accepting it.


- © 2010 by Willy

Intensity

A little trail philosophy: Life's all about moderation in all things, thus intensity is key. Too intense and endurance suffers plus injuries happen. Not intense enough and we gain no training value and just waste our time. Did I say workout intensity or life intensity?

Crosstraining and tempo are important too. That is, I have learned that the intensity should vary with short periods (workout tempo), medium periods (each day different) and long periods (crosstraining).

About once a week I do an extreme-intensity short-duration cardio (when I go stupid that my legs won't move). A couple of times a month I do a hell of a powerlift single-rep workout of some body part (after a significantly 30-minute warmup). Also about once a month I do a high-endurance low-intensity cardio (a daylong hike). Several times a year I hike or bike for a week.

And I am very careful and very slow in introducing new stuff in my workouts and into my life.

This has worked out well for me... if I have the mental fortitude to stick to it. Sometimes I feel like I know the whole story and other times I feel like its completely out of control.

I've got to be careful about my passions, whether in health and fitness, with my personal life, or at work. One injury, whether physical or mental, and life goes awry for a long time. Since the physical and mental states correlate, one completely affects the other. Action reduces anxiety, and it does apply to both the physical and mental... I've found that the battle is not with or about another but within myself. A mental anguish state can have a physical fitness solution, or an apparently physical barrier can be overcome with the right thinking.

And that thinking had better be with the right positive attitude, with a smile on my face and happiness in mind, and both solo and in community.

- © 2010 by Willy

Place?

"Now go to your happy place... a place where you feel comfort, acceptance and love," said Karen the Yoga instructor.

Place? I'm happy when being active hiking, bicycling, weightlifting, running errands, feeding the ducks, reading, working, and meeting people to get things done. A pedometer revealed that I walk 4 miles a day at work. I'm seldom in my office or in my home. I'm completely hyperactive and I channel it to benefit. I may have high blood pressure and trouble sleeping but I love everything I do, I love every day, no matter what. Surrounded by blessings, I quietly and steadily make miracles happen.

I don't have a happy place. I have a happy journey instead... which gives me comfort, acceptance and love.

-© 2010 by Willy

Finally Enjoying My Children

I raised my children by myself. Being a momma-daddy, I am co-dependent but also believe in tough love. Everyone has to stand up on their own two feet.

One of the greatest challenges of being a parent has to be watching my kids make choices as young adults that I believe in my heart are mistakes. All I can do is try to help them understand the potential consequences, hope that the guidance I gave them will somehow help them through, and pray for the best... for their own sake.

I'm tired of getting caught in the tangle of other people's lives.


- © 2010 by Willy

Hike Ended, and On The Way Home

"The more insecurities, the more you pack," remarked daughter Jennifer. She packed her dad.

We were on our way on the yearly backpacking trip that has become a tradition. This one in Maine, where she finished last year but also where she had a heartbreak. She wanted to show me Maine's beauty and also to get back on the horse that threw her.


"It's a four-holer, and has toilet paper... it's Ritzy!" I said. The daughter laughed. I was referring to the privy at the White House Landing, a hiker's little-piece-of-heaven in Maine's Appalachian Trail's 100-Mile Wilderness. It was my fifth and last day of 43 miles, which included seven mountains and 11,000 ascent-feet. But this year the rains came only at night, so it was a much more enjoyable experience than last year's White Mountains.

The only thing that went wrong was that it's raining today, which we were going to use for a seaplane ride of Mt Katahdin (this old man can't climb Katahdin!). Well, OK, the flies were bad too, but expected.

We heard all kinds of trail drama from all kinds of people. My daughter the psychologist people-person thoroughly enjoys this. I marvel at her people skills, and am amazed at the huge variance of reasons for hiking the A.T., but that discussion would be long.

"I'm not going to marry anyone that can't hike a 100-mile wilderness," said the daughter, starting yet another bonding conversation. We talked about all the fake and lazy people in both our lives. "The divorce was bad, but I got to go backpacking," said the true enthusiast. She uses hiking as meditation and problem-solving time. It's a sweet solution that works well for her.

Everyone hikes his own hike.


- © 2010 by Willy

Inspiration

The daffodils bloomed, I noticed this morning after another week out of town... this one attending an important week-long meeting for work. Maybe the blooms were there before but I haven't been home much and I've been too busy to notice. Something tells those things to bloom at this time every year, whether somebody is around to see it or not.

Why did I bloom? ... and acquire my past and current responsibilities? Why not stock a grocery store? Why did I pursue the dream instead of staying home and taking care of my mother? Or of my crazy ex? Why did I even have the dream? Did I get "lucky," or was it inspiration... spiritus... the divine breath?

Does the fact that I bloomed matter? Do I delight someone's gaze? Did I help something happen or help somebody out? Have I made a difference? Did I contribute? Did I follow The Plan? Those are good questions that may or may not have an answer, but I hope for the affirmative.

But I did not bloom by myself, and I am counting on staying on... on the straight and narrow... by using a wish and a prayer. That seems to work better than anything else.


- © 2010 by Willy

P.S., Chaos Theory says that everybody and everything matters.

37-minute Warm-up

My buddy John started the frigid hike with the enthusiasm of breaking in new boots, but a half-mile into it had knee problems. I shouldn't have allowed that to happen, and usually begin winter hikes rather slowly. I'll leave John's knee to heal for a couple of weeks before I hike with him again, and then will start much slower and will suggest long johns.

It's been so cold that cycling outside is almost impossible... the wind chill makes sweat produce hypothermia.

Even inside at the gym, it took me 37 minutes to get through warm-up and feel good about ramping up the load on the elliptic.

It's all about the warm-up... tempos and intervals can happen after a good warm-up.

I should think that life stresses and anxieties should also happen after a good and long warm-up, but 60 years haven't been long enough yet and so I've turned down the load knob.

- © 2010 by Willy

Accept

I've long known that people aren't machines, and that relationships aren't equations.


That thought comes up often. Whenever I meet a difficult person (I dealt with two of them at a wedding yesterday), my thoughts automatically go to the fact that I'm glad I live alone with my machines. I tolerate rude people for a short time but am glad that I don't have to deal long-term with them... I go home and they go to their unfortunate spouses.

Relationships only work if you can stand the pain, and I won't. I detach. My life is full, exciting, tiring and surprising, but there is no longer room for the excitement of adversity. I'm truly thankful that I am where I am. It has been an active choice. Relaxing solo is my great joy, and adventure is my excitement.


- © 2010 by Willy

It's In My Nature

A scorpion asks a frog for help crossing a river. Intimidated by the scorpion's prominent stinger, the frog demurs. "Don't be scared," the scorpion says. "If something happens to you, I'll drown." Moved by this logic, the frog puts the scorpion on his back and wades into the river. Halfway across, the scorpion stings the frog.

The dying frog croaks, "How could you? You know you'll drown!"

"It's in my nature," gasps the sinking scorpion.

_______________

This fable of The Scorpion and The Frog is also a lesson on misplaced trust, on the limits of logic, on not escaping the insuppressible nature of things, and more:

What was the incentive for the frog to even entertain help carry that scorpion? NONE! It was not just the scorpion's nature that's in question here but more so it is the frog's nature to blame. That frog should not have helped in such an event with a clear eventuality. Wasn't this the co-dependency on the frog's part that sank them both? YES!

It is what it is, I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam. THIS co-dependent frog must question everything. I must fight my nature and do just my own... cross the river solo, and not help the scorpions. Kindness has its limits, clearly, and so I have my demons to fight.


- text © 2009 by Willy