Bloom...

Bloom where you're planted. Make the best of it. Do what you can with what you've got.

These type of saying abound, and all remind me that it is MY choice whether to bloom or whither and die... with the implication that I have to do it, not somebody else, and that I have to bloom among rocks.

I propose that not only do I have to do it myself, but clear off the parasites and albatross that will make it difficult, if not impossible, to bloom.

Do include other symbiotic friends with good attitude and similar drive, but the trick is to evaluate them... to look and see what they are, before I trust them. Trust in friendships have to be earned. Mentoring is a bad investment unless you get a significant real-time contribution from the apprentice.

Finally, not only have my best vacations been those taken by myself, but have been those closer to home. Blooming happens in your own back yard, among the rocks!

May all your weeds be wildflowers.


- © 2008 by Willy
.

Clarity

I realized a few years ago that I need better clarity.

My glasses must need a new prescription, because I hadn't been able to see things well... otherwise I wouldn't have gotten in the trouble I was in.

Then I thought that it was my thinking that was skewed... somehow or other, maybe my brain wasn't working properly.

Could it be, I thought, that it was just my hormones overriding my brain? Thinking with the little head, I heard my son once say.

Surely, this woman, who said she loved me, must be right... there was something wrong with me, she often said, in different ways, over and over again. I couldn't do anything right!

I came to the slow realization that it wasn't me. The problem was her! Oh, shit! She had moved in with me! I had given her a ring! And now what?

So, back to the beginning I went, realizing that I need better clarity all right. It was The Ex's glasses that were broken, and it was The Ex that wasn't thinking right. Her frequent accusations were really about her and her behavior... it was her that was shallow and self-centered, and it was her that just didn't care... she was just around for the free ride.

It was all about her, but I was the provider. I was doing her a disservice by providing, since she needed to stand up on her own two feet and take care of herself, and I needed the clarity obtained by being by myself. So, it took a long while, but provoked by her inviting men over, I asked her to leave and did us both a favor.

I'm sure she's found another provider since. However, I will never run the chance of getting another bitch again.

It's easy to see in hindsight.

- © 2008 by Willy
.

Recovery

Recovery as in getting out of depression.

How do you finally quit the crying, climb out of that bowl you're in, get a move on, dare to come out of your shell, get back to the world, and get back to business? One way you could do this, in addition to seeing a psychologist, is to join a support group.

In your support group, you will learn that your recovery has to be selfish. Ask yourself what you need to do to take care of you. Create clarity for you, not for somebody else. There’s no need to explain yourself to others... Detach from others. Tell yourself that you're glad to be you. After all, it’s what you do to you that counts, so stand up on your own two feet and take care of yourself. Don’t give the other person power over you. And always make the choice that brings you peace and serenity.

And you will learn that recovery is a long journey.

By the grace of God go I.

- © 2008 by Willy
.

Recovery

As in the road to recovery.

Recovery, from anything, is not quick. Think about however long it took me to get to my predicament (all my life?). Experts say that it will take about half that same amount to get recovered. I thought my own would be quick, but it hasn't been. They say it's the steadfast progress... the journey... that counts, not the perfection. This little ditty says it well (poem by Portia Nelson):

___________________

I walk down the street, and there is a deep hole in the pavement. I fall in. I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the street, and there is a deep hole in the pavement. I pretend I don't see it and I fall in again. I can't believe I did it again. It isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the street, and there is a deep hole in the pavement. I see it there. I still fall in because it's a habit. But my eyes are open. I know where I am. It certainly is my fault. I get out immediately.

I walk down the street, and there is a deep hole in the pavement. I walk around it.

I walk down a different street.
___________________


Recovery has to be at my own pace... which has ended up being slow and in stages marked by light bulbs going off in my head accompanied by sounds of "Ahhhh."

By the grace of God go I.

- text other than poem © 2008 by Willy
.

How Happy Am I?

I don't expect much and am pleasantly surprised when that's exceeded... which is often. Looking at life with a positive attitude but a low expectation does yield the necessary happiness which is the basis of life. I do get the nice smile, the kind word and even the long hug.

I discovered that my best friends are myself and God. They don't disappoint me or shit on me like relationships end up doing. That doesn't mean an exclusion to other friends. Indeed, those hugs have to come from somewhere!

It's not that I expect everybody to be perfect, but what I'm finding is that the minute there's intimacy, then the criticism and demands start, and I'm just tired of it. All intimate relationships do seems to follow the same course, which is initial exuberance followed by disappointment and finally termination depression. My plan is to balance... to continue to have my friends but not do intimacy. Also, family is good, but some are better than others, actually, some are way better than others, just like friends... some contribute.

Friends, lovers... and family... come and go. Treasure a long, stable, healthy friendship and/or family relationship if you have them.

Low expectations works!

- © 2008 by Willy

P.S., and a hug to you too.