Dependent Independence

Are you independent or a dependent?

Wikipedia does not show a listing for Independence other than for a nation. On the other hand, it lists a Dependent as "One who relies on another for support ."

Do you get free rent? Right, you are a dependent. Do you bother others for rides or whatever? Do you depend on the generosity of kindhearted people around you? Do you spend more than you earn? Then you are definitely a dependent!

Would you rather do what you want regardless of what it does to others? Regardless of what you should be doing? Now you are irresponsible, not independent.

Would you rather do what you want regardless of your significant other? And control him, telling him what to do, and where to turn? Being difficult? Not compromising? Criticize him about everything? Praising other men's virtues to his face? Inviting other men over to the house? Never giving a shit about him? Just there for the free ride? Then you are a fraud, abusive, cruel and disgusting, but you are not independent.


Do you steal your significant other's prescriptions? If so, you are not just a dependent, but a criminal.

Finally, do you get along in life based upon your looks? Your cuteness? Your innocence? Your... dependency?

And those kindhearted, giving people around you are called Co-dependents. Sooner or later, they will get tired of you taking and not giving. They will see you for what you are, mutual self-deception notwithstanding. They will tire of putting up with your shit, no matter how cute you are. Even those who love you will eventually leave you.

You would be independent if you are able to stand on your own two feet. If you'd spend less than you earn, earn more than you spend (a solution is to get a degree and then a better job, and/or quit spending!). Maybe if you'd contribute in some way... by taking good care of house and home, by supporting your significant other with a kind, positive, giving, loving, attitude, honestly share your feelings, and live up to your commitments, with no deception.

I have no illusions here... to a certain extent I too am dependent on others. Even though I am a man of many talents, I do not remotely know it all or can do it all. I do depend on customers, coworkers, the government, the grocer, the doctor and the baker... to a degree. But I contribute significantly to them too. This is called interdependence. I enjoy my friendships without being a bother or a bore, and I detest those who are.

I contribute. Do you?

-©2007 by Willy
.

Cultural Conflicts

The fish out of water gets eaten. A foreigner out of his culture clashes. And although he might not reach as tragic an end as the fish, his tragedy lasts a lifetime. Nobody adjusts completely.

The bottom line is that to properly develop ourselves, we must develop proper communications... and to do that we must know each other well.

Its amazing how much of what we do is based on culture... from how we wake to how we sleep. Most other cultures wake naturally to daybreak. Here we get up in the middle of the night to an annoying alarm clock and possible heart attack (although the Yankee work ethic is obviously more efficient). At night, other cultures bring out the wine and talk around a table, bonding, but here we eat Doritos and hush the spouse to watch TV.

Occasions are completely mind boggling to foreigners. A Valentine's Day card seemed as committal as a diamond ring when this 11-year old boy got a certain smile from a little girl named Jo.

Putting down the foreigner has been a staple of TV for a century. It's amazing too how much bias there is against other cultures, and how little we care about it. Instead, we laugh at the jokes and thus put down others. There are an awful lot of bigots out there... and most of them don't look like bigots, or admit being one.

The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish literal translation read "Are you lactating?" Did somebody not explain that translations must carry culture? Evidently not.

It happens the other way around, too... Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

Foreigners truly do end up in the melting pot, but the sadness is that by then much permanent personal damage is done by ignoring culture... both coming and going.

-©2007 by Willy
.

Praying

Lord, help me keep my head on straight.

What is your favorite prayer, and what do you pray for? I've noticed that there's usually three types of prayer. A lot of us pray to thank God, some ask God for direction, and some ask Him for things or actions.

The latter prayer, being the Type-A personality's favorite, is sometimes put down (don't you tell God what to do!), although some saints defend it, and it is a practical way to hope He will keep your ex away. The former type of prayer is the usual mealtime thanks for most folks (For food to nourish the body and conversation to enrich the soul, we are truly thankful).

To ask for discernment is my own constant lament, as well as, lately, a plead for mercy. These are what I pray most, in many variations. Lord, keep me on the straight and narrow, don't let me hurt somebody, etc. Saint Teresa's classic prayer (Let nothing disturb you, let nothing affright you, all things are passing) is a great de-stressor, and another variation.

When the world pushes you to your knees, you're in the perfect position to pray.

My plead for sanity in all things is only remarkable if you think you might have been close to the edge. And for just that I pray, amen.

- text © 2007 by Willy
.

What Drives Us?

Yes, it's love and money that drive us, just like Freud said. But there are some subtleties within this. My friend Ed, who has a PhD in physics, but also for years owned a retail store, says that we engineers/scientists marry the first woman who pays attention to us... and the second and third. And he may be right. We don't seem to discriminate people very well, although we can easily pick out the best product... TV, car, missile, or whatever, that fits our need.

It may be that we can't pick our women well because it is usually they who pick us, and it seems that they do it on the basis of money and availability. In this town there are many more engineers & scientists than there are doctors, and The Almighty Dollar reigns, specially for those women that don't make a lot of money themselves. I've noticed, in general, that the women that have a great career don't need no stinkin' husband, but they'll take a wife instead, and some I know have done just that... a meek husband that caters to their needs and who may not have a decent paycheck... a dependent. And they have the same trouble with their men as I've had with women. It is rare to see a couple that get along well, but even more rare is to see a couple with great careers, both, that stay together. These are definitely in the minority. Funny, isn't it?

Yes, I could be a male chauvinist pig, and I might be a cynic, but this is my observation. Look around yourself and check it out. Tell me if there's no truth to this. Although, if I have hurt your feelings, or you are the dependent in the story, you have my apology and sympathy... and a suggestion that you plant both feet on the ground and go after that degree and that career to better yourself and contribute! Do something with your life! Dam' the relationship torpedo, full speed ahead.

Oh... and don't get me started on love

- text © 2007 by Willy
.

The Right Turn In My Life

During the recent trauma associated with the termination of my recent 5-year love affair, I swore to God that I am never, ever, going to be caught in that predicament again... the pain was unbearable. That was the end of THAT kind of relationship! I just am not going to allow myself to fall head-over-heals in love, give my heart, nor share my life. I've got to stay sane while I'm still around.

Many years ago, after my divorce, I said something about not getting married again, so I guess I had shot cupid and did not realize it.

My good friend David tells me that he is sure that I will fall in love again. I agreed with him, but also remarked that this time I'm not going to tell her, nor will I pursue that relationship... it's going to be my little secret.

And my definition of love has changed forever... I love people who do their work responsibly, who are kind and helpful to others, who trust, contribute, and respect. Who have a good positive attitude, and who are complimentary. I love people who enjoy life, who found their calling, and who work their mission here. And who do the right thing no matter what.

I love people who love others in that way, and want to develop more friends like that and deeper friendships... but I will not lust after them, live with them nor marry them.

-©2007 by Willy
.

Indicator I Was Doing Better

I laughed!

It's been a day-by-day progression out of depression and back into a life with a more positive outlook. It's been five months, and now I can laugh at the whole relationship foible. And now I can laugh at her too. She threw us away, but did us both a favor. If we did not think of the relationship as valuable enough to work at it and save it (and we didn't), then we should have split years ago... if we had a relationship at all to begin with. I found an email dated 2 months after she moved in, documenting problems that we never did solve 4 years later. Funny how hope prolongs your agony.

Now I'm happier, stronger and fitter. With continuing work to get hunk again to pre-relationship levels. I feel better physically and mentally, and look forward to the morning. I sleep better and say "Good morning, God!" rather than "Good God... morning!"

I doubt there will be any contact by her in the future, but if there is, I am not responding. That book is closed and burned. The thunder and lightning is over, and my mind is clear again. And, did I mention... I'm laughing!

-©2007 by Willy
.

How I Got Out Of Depression

Or what worked for me!

I'm not a doctor, psychologist or counselor... just an engineer.

When my best friend and fiance left me, ending a 5-year committed relationship, it was a trigger that drove me deep into despondency or depression. I had become insignificant to her, but I was still heads-over-heels in love. Gave me a monster headache, but every part of my body hurt too, and I could hardly walk. God, it hurt!

First, my co-workers and buddies kept calling me, and I started to respond.

Then, I found a reason. There is an old Christian tradition that God sends each person into this world with a special message to deliver, with a special song to sing for others, with a special act of love to bestow. No one else can speak my message or sing my song or offer my act of love. These have been entrusted only to me. And thus, I had a mission.

Given that, I went to see a good psychologist, just for a few sessions. Insurance paid for half of the charges. He not only led me by the hand in this difficult time but also recommend that my doctor prescribe an antidepressant. I trusted my psychologist friend, because even I, myself, recognized my irrational thinking. The antidepressants took 4 weeks to work, and I needed that help yesterday. I wrote down what the psych said, and did what he suggested doing, too. Shrink and pills were both essential.

I continued to communicate with family and friends, co-workers and acquaintances, all who gave me the kindness I needed, but with the mindset to get over this trauma.

At first it seems impossible to do but I knew I had to take this emotional bull by the horn and wrestle him down to the ground... and only I could do this. I cried, yelled, took pills and fought my devils from the bottom of a bowl, but I had to plan to get on with my life, plan to become independent and plan to stand up with chest out. Yes, I had people helping, but it was me who had to do the work. Life IS good. I became a voracious reader of books and internet on the subjects of philosophy and psychology, and felt better.

After the grief settled, I became angry. I went for fitness hard. Began bicycle commuting to work, doing daily cardio, and lifting very heavy. I became ferocious!

And, most importantly, I kept in mind that others do not necessarily know more than I do. That is, I had to work hard to remind myself that what my significant other said and did was just her bullshit and her problem. I am a nice guy. I had to have confidence in myself. I told myself that I was going to get over this too, that I've done dam well and that I was going to shine again. At first nothing interested me, but I just kept plugging along like a machine... until I was able to have some fun, too. Came out of my shell, laughed out loud... at anything or nothing... to brighten my life.

I do better day by day. Some days I regress a bit, but that's OK, because I do better the next day.

When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on!

What works for you may not work for me, and vice-versa, so look for what does work for you. You have to have patience and faith.

Good Luck!

-©2007 by Willy
.

Reality

In order to live in reality, the first step is to detect where your head is at. Kind of like in the movie "The Matrix" and prior ones like "Alice In Wonderland," what we're seeing or feeling might not be Truth. And this is because of hormones, depression, self-deceit, or other maladies or interrupters. In the heat of the battle, adrenalin will give us tunnel vision. Lust blocks the thinking process entirely... my son referred to this as "thinking with your little head." Depression colors our world black to the point that we can't see. The reason some people can lie convincingly is because of self-deception... they really believe what they spout... which, to us, could seem believable instead of obvious malarkey. And all of these are ways of thinking irrationally.

So, how do we detect this so as to correct our vision with rational glasses? I believe that we can't, but our friends can tell us. An unbiased observer with his/her own perspective is a Godsend. I appreciate true friends more and more each day, and ask for their help more. More on this topic in the future.

-©2007 by Willy
.

Cardio

Of course, losing 40 pounds earlier this year makes a huge difference in how I feel (there is less huffing and puffing, I move faster, etc), but also quantitatively, in my heartbeat, my ride speed and my distance. My heartbeat, given a specific load, has dropped 20 beats! I can't reach my old max heartbeat (165) any more... I seem to be muscle-limited now rather than lung-limited for the same perceived exertion. My ride speed increased 2 mph average on bike commutes, and my long-and-slow Sunday ride miles have doubled.

I do plan to continue this weight loss to drop maybe 10 more pounds... the fat atop my abs... but not at the expense of my hard-earned muscles. I've just now, months later, gotten back to the weights I had been pushing.

So, the plateau being over, it's time to drop more weight... get back to the diet and get serious again on cardio... I am going to add more gym cardio machines to my bike commute, because I can better gauge progress or get a metric with them, since I don't want to overdo it. I am also dangling that new-bike carrot, and my goal is to ride solo a week, credit card ultralight, maybe to the beach.

Hope you're having a great day!

-©2007 by Willy
.

Exercise

They say that the advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. That is just what I'm going for... quality rather than quantity... I want to be a young man at time of death, whatever age that is. I'm sure you've seen the email stating that life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming to Saint Peter... "Wow! What a ride!" Whoever coined this has expressed it well. I had a "29 Again" temporary tattoo on my left deltoid a couple of weeks ago.

Now that I'm finally free, I'm getting back in shape, centering on daily bike commuting, weekend hiking and heavy weightlifting, with some swimming thrown in there occasionally. In Winter I'll ride my new Club Spin Bike before work. Of historical concern are injuries, due to either overuse or exhaustion leading to bad technique. To deal with this possibility, I've decided to have more contact with some guys that do a good job of training, with the hope of getting feedback and coaching.

I just came in from a good ride and have discovered properly adjusted aero bars, and they are terrific! I've had old junky aero bars on my commuting bike for years, but the new ones I got for the carbon ride are day and night. It is going to take some getting used to, since lane changes about crashed me, but life is all about training and retraining! My problem with long bike rides is my butt, so I will try a long solo Century this Fall. I love solo riding now... the club had its motivation, but lately I find some riders way too chatty and annoying.

Somewhat unfortunately, I was at the bike shop looking for those aero bars at the same time Dave was there asking John, the owner, about a new expensive featherweight bike, which grabbed my ears and might end up grabbing my wallet. Dave keeps a great bike blog and is a fine fellow besides. Does me good to read him. He's usually very entertaining, makes me think, and also it's good to see that others have the same problems as I do. Sometimes riding is suicide, and I've been either paranoid enough or lucky enough to not have had a bad altercation... or maybe I've got guardian angels working overtime.

-text © 2007 by Willy
.

Focus

I've been noticing a few things lately. For one, for the last year or two I have not been able to focus on what I'm doing.

It's not so bad at work, since I've been doing the same type of work for many, many years... but outside of work it's been difficult to focus, to problem solve and to think rationally. For instance, the heat got to me last Summer, and so this past Spring, right after my fiance and I split, I replaced the 17-year-old air conditioner, since it was throwing breakers while I was at work and I'd end up having trouble sleeping in the heat.

There's nothing wrong with that story until I add that last year I also had to have the roof replaced, and they took out the 4 attic power vents and replaced them with passive ridge vents. Blam! Two and two now do add to four, don't it. I probably could have just added 4 new power vents instead of a new a/c, which is exactly what I've got to do anyway, since the new bigger a/c couldn't keep up this Summer anyway! Oh, well... that was an old a/c anyway.

Other examples abound, I'm discovering.

Hope your thinking is rational!

-text © 2007 by Willy
.

Willy's Mad Ramblings

Starting this blog makes no sense... I might still be irrational from leftover depression caused by the end of a relationship. But I'm a good writer, so, what the heck... I need to restart my life and this may be good therapy. Let's try it... let's see if I make sense.

-©2007 by Willy
.