Ethnic Christmas

Us old Cubans make a big deal about having a family Christmas.

Like salmon, we all return to our spawning ground, Miami. This year my trek was by way of Ft Benning and Tampa. Last year we included Mobile and Jacksonville. Despite the work, bother and overload, deciding to attend was good and the family reunion was wonderful. It was fun seeing the family, retelling old stories and making new ones for our kids to tell later. For instance, my aunt told us that, as a young kid, I used to eat earthworms, a new revelation my daughter delighted in.

Family reunions are good mental health. And the bakery goods were delicious.


- text © 2010 by Willy

My Wives

Daughter Jennifer did not like her from square one, when Aussie, my GPS, kept saying "make a u-turn" but I kept going forward. "Make a u-turn." I just laughed, first at Aussie and then at Jennifer's frustration. I said "she's just like a wife."
"Make a u-turn," Aussie insisted.

Jennifer and I... and Aussie... were driving down to meet my retired, close, cousin at a west Florida beach for a family reunion Christmas tradition. As we got closer to our unfamiliar destination, I followed Aussie's instructions. Aussie took us down through downtown Tampa, traffic light upon traffic light, then back up north to the beaches. Jennifer looked up at me and remarked "she's your wife!"

Aussie is one of my wife-substitutes, just like Jan is my massage wife-substitute, Monica my housekeeper, Mary my doctor, Anna keeps me on diet, Kirstin and Karen for spinning and yoga fitness training, and so on. I need them and depend on them, as well as my work helpers and my buddies, to get through life. Some times I do what they say, but not always... just like with a real wife, sometimes I AM smarter than my wife.

These are all dependent relationships. They may be business or social, and may have brotherly love or kindness. Obviously there is no romance, otherwise they wouldn't last, since I am no good at romantic relationships and relish the calmness of solitude at home. No delusions, and no problems, either. Some of these relationships date back a lifetime... much longer than my real marriage... probably because I got to go home.

I do what I can with what I've got... but I've got plenty of help. Thank God for them. And thanks to my Godsends.

"Recalculating."



- © 2010 by Willy

Our Humidity

Ice flower?


Visitors often complain about our humidity, but our Southern humidity is free skin moisturizer and lung hydration... no leather skin nor bronchitis here. It also provides a beautifully green outdoors by nurturing trees, growing wildflowers and watering critters to multiply in abundance. Humidity also creates clouds that look gorgeous in the colorful splendor of every sunset. Humidity tenderly envelops, holds and cradles us. We get health and beauty not possible in the west, except for the Pacific Northwest.

And in early winter we get ice flowers, which happens when air temps are freezing but wet ground is not... some wildflowers wick water up and out, creating beautiful and delicate sculptures... until the sun melts them.

It's in how you look at it: May all your weeds be wildflowers. Life is good.



-© 2010 by Willy

Can't Do Solitude

Engineers are antisocial creatures that would much prefer to work behind a locked door, occasionally getting fed. They are different from others in that they excel in solitude. But, like perfection, solitude is just not attainable. In addition, it's been shown that solitude is not healthy. There is happiness in community, and even Trappist monks have community. Can't stop the world and get off.

For example, one engineer who struggled with this issue his whole life finally retired to a cabin in the remotest Yukon. Year in and year out, he relished his newfound solitude. One day he hears a pounding knock, opens his door and is amazed to find a character at his doorstep.


The burly guy says "Hi, I'm your next-door neighbor, 30 miles south, here to invite you to a welcoming party this Saturday night."



There is a sled outside and his dogs are barking.

After a long pause, the incredulous engineer finally says "Welcoming party? Out here?"

"Yep" says the character.

"With people?"

"Yep."

"With music?"

"Yep."

"With drinking?"

"Yep."

"And carousing?"

"Yep."

"And sex?"

"Yep."

"How many do you expect?"

"Just you and me."





- © 2010 by Willy

P.S. Solitude is a choice. Loneliness is not.

To Some Degree

People are not good or bad, not black or white, but shades of grey and hues of colors. We are all different, and we don't all think alike, but there's more to it than that. It seems to me that we all may have some amount of mental illness, i.e., we're all a little crazy. Specifically, it seems to me that the recipee for a good engineer scientist is equal parts smarts, anti-social, Asperger's, OCD and ADD/hyperactivity... or otherwise they wouldn't be good engineers.

Every good male engineer or scientist I've known had some degree of emotional issue and came unequipped to cope. The nerdy, geeky engineer's only saving grace was that he made a good living. Unfortunately, that drew the wrong girls. The engineer then got distracted by relationship and subsequent marriage and lost his edge, therefore losing his career, his marriage, his assets and his mind. The girl that understood did quite well, considering marriage a profitable business arrangement with a long time-constant. The engineer was not interested and didn't understand the expectation, time sequence nor duration and repeated the process a few times in his lifetime, bumping into love, when he should have instead understood what he is... good technically but incapable of social interaction nor romantic love. Read Einstein's life (or the many others). And, yes, me too.

The young engineer that understands early on, and does not succumb, has an tremendous, fulfilling career of significant contribution and great mental health. The engineer that understands in mid-life does contribute, to some limited extent, and finds calmness in life with the help and brotherly love of friends. The ones that never get it just waste their lives.

It would be like a tall thin kid trying to wrestle, or a powerlifter trying track. It just don't work. Gotta use your given talents.

- © 2010 by Willy

It's All About What We Want

Yes, it's our choice, it's our mindset, and it's our attitude.

My front yard has a brick flowerbed with a variety of planted flowers. Out my front door I see gorgeous sunsets every evening. The back yard always has wildflowers blooming, beautiful fall leaf colors and year-round wild animals and birds. I feed, plant and enjoy it. I find it comfortable, soothing and entertaining... and good for my mental health. But I confess that I will see a beautiful view even if I was looking at a brick wall. Just because I want to.

I also stay very busy at work, where I think of myself contributing and indispensable, with daily battles between right and wrong. In a visible setting, in spite of reprimands, I help good people... anonymously when I can... and stay away from the bad. Because I can and want to.

I don't have tinnitus, arthritis/joint/back pain and my feet don't hurt. Instead, I listen to people and do activities to the max. This in turn allows me to further enjoy sun and trees, sweat and wind... life. Because I want to.

I invite my Higher Power in, and my conscience is always talking to me. Decision are thought out in consensus. So it is all about what I want out of life. I've discussed this with my monk friends: it's all about evoking self-discipline, now; about continuously controlling thoughts and attitudes; and about discipline of the eyes. After some mistakes in life, I want to.

It's about watching your form while you lift. It's work, but otherwise you tear yourself up.

And it's about living the dream.


- © by Willy

Possible Solutions To Any Problem

One solution is to embrace uncertainty rather than fight it.
Acceptance is a solution.
Reaching out with kindness.
Making a difference.
Accomplishing something.
Practicing how you play, and play how you practice.
Remembering that everything matters.
Injecting less libido and testosterone into the equation.
Do not reduce the other to a conquered opponent.
When all is said and done, the simple things in life
      will beat the complicated every time.
Do the right thing, no matter the repercussions.
In every relationship, it helps to be a little deaf.
      - Supreme Court Justice Ginsburg.
Do not stand in the way of a person's dream.
We can't choose how we feel but we can choose what we DO about it.
It's better to wear out than to rust out.
Do not confuse love with sex, or sex with love.
Be careful with the type of love you give and accept.
Look deep: character cannot be strengthened by makeup.
Fight the good fight, and finish the race.

- © 2010 by Willy but many anons except for Ginsburg's

Outdated or Wiser?

The same things are true in life as in fitness and in faith.

Fall color is here and leaves are carpeting our trails. Fall comes and fall will go, just as sure as the sun will return tomorrow morning. But we learn more each year. This year I discovered ruins just beside my favorite hiking trail.

I am a 60-year-old engineer and am outdated in many things, but not The Big Picture. Yes, kids know eye-opening computer tricks and give me six significant digits of accuracy but oftentimes they get the first digit wrong... that is, they went the wrong way. Can't argue about results based on experience. We know that kids come and kids get old and go, and we all learn from each other.

The AIG/bank/wallstreet/auto bailout came a couple of decades after the Savings and Loan debacle. The economy is a shambles and we don't have the power to fix it, so we wring our hands until we remember that this, too, shall pass. It happened before and it will happen again. I have faith that as liberals come then liberals too will go. The tide comes in and the tide goes out. It ebbs and flows. Are the politicians protecting worthless bank assets incompetent or just crooks? Yes, and then they go, and we relearn not to trust them, or the banks.

We will discover the motivation to embark upon a good fitness plan... then receive an overuse injury or accident, and we stop to heal, and start all over again. Only this time we will risk less to overuse and pick where we ride.

We're living the good life and divorce happens and life gets sour. And life ebbs and flows again later. We get mad at God and then, in His time, we go back, wiser, and learn not to enter another relationship like that.

In my business, the cannon is as outdated as the slide rule, and so is the canon... all of the canons... because the truth is that nothing stays the same.

Life ebbs and flows, and there's much comfort and tranquility in knowing that, and accepting it.


- © 2010 by Willy

Intensity

A little trail philosophy: Life's all about moderation in all things, thus intensity is key. Too intense and endurance suffers plus injuries happen. Not intense enough and we gain no training value and just waste our time. Did I say workout intensity or life intensity?

Crosstraining and tempo are important too. That is, I have learned that the intensity should vary with short periods (workout tempo), medium periods (each day different) and long periods (crosstraining).

About once a week I do an extreme-intensity short-duration cardio (when I go stupid that my legs won't move). A couple of times a month I do a hell of a powerlift single-rep workout of some body part (after a significantly 30-minute warmup). Also about once a month I do a high-endurance low-intensity cardio (a daylong hike). Several times a year I hike or bike for a week.

And I am very careful and very slow in introducing new stuff in my workouts and into my life.

This has worked out well for me... if I have the mental fortitude to stick to it. Sometimes I feel like I know the whole story and other times I feel like its completely out of control.

I've got to be careful about my passions, whether in health and fitness, with my personal life, or at work. One injury, whether physical or mental, and life goes awry for a long time. Since the physical and mental states correlate, one completely affects the other. Action reduces anxiety, and it does apply to both the physical and mental... I've found that the battle is not with or about another but within myself. A mental anguish state can have a physical fitness solution, or an apparently physical barrier can be overcome with the right thinking.

And that thinking had better be with the right positive attitude, with a smile on my face and happiness in mind, and both solo and in community.

- © 2010 by Willy

Give Until It Hurts?

"You are my idol, Willy," said Charlie, the personal trainer. "When I get to be your age, I want to be in your shape." Dallas laughed. I took it as a serious complement and thanked Charlie for giving it to me.

It's said that, decision by decision, we shape our destiny. However, a good attitude shapes our destiny too, albeit passively. In other words, whether proactively or in quiet acceptance, we live the life we want, with God's grace. Practice how you play and you'll play how you practice. How you practice life is how you live it. We have awesome control over our lives and that of others, since life is a network of invisible crossing threads. Take the complements, and give them too. Recognize and thank the blessings in your life, and be one too. Fulfill lives. Pass it forward.

On the other hand, I give them the benefit of the doubt... until they hurt me. I've been hurt too many times, life is short and I've had enough. What's all this raving about: Somebody who had no clue asked if I wanted to rekindle the relationship with The Ex. It was so incredulous that it was funny. In response I asked if it was a cold day in the hell where she came from.

Why relationships and marriage? I do not subscribe to the idea that I will need someone there when times get tough, because times have been tough because of the somebody that was there... and then nobody was there and life went just fine. The concept that there's a need for a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold and a willing ear is bogus because it costs much more than it's worth. I'll stick to buddies instead... guys and gals... without crossing the line.


Life's a circus, so send in the clowns.

[Daughter Jennifer is one of the two clowns at left... I forgot which.]


-© 2010 by Willy

We Are All Peculiar

"Yep, he rode over a pothole that threw him. He broke his clavicle but also several ribs that poked and deflated a lung, sending him into ICU. He is now working from home."

"You guys are nuts! Why do you ride?"

"Because it's fun... most of the time."


I love to ride my bikes, just like I did when I was a kid. So, I do, when I can. I maintain and ride them all, with various degrees of success and frequency. And with a certain amount of risk. I have four bikes: my commuter hardtail with slicks, my Mtb four-link with Fox, my carbon road, and my very old, heavy and bulletproof college Schwinn 10-speed. And I'm always tinkering with them, cleaning and lubricating. I've had multiple accidents, some due to cars and some due to other cyclists. I've not had a solo accident since 1998 when I bought SPD-clip pedals, fell over at the first stop sign and bruised my ego.

Everybody has a peculiar love. My love is machines. I have a safe full of guns, from a scoped 30'06 to my .22 college Colt Woodsman, that I love to dissasemble and clean. Guns are risky too, especially due to idiots at the outdoor gun range. I have three cars: my old rusted "stealth" truck (women don't see me), my "locker-room" van, and my old Vette. Truck and Vette are tiny and have no airbag. So, my drug of choice is machines. My son's is computer games. My daughter is hooked on people.

All engineers like machines. A friend is into cameras, another has kayaks, and one has collections of collections stored in several garages. The older we are, the more we've accumulated, but I'm trying to reduce my junk to become simpler and more portable so that if I retire, I can fit into an apartment with bus access to give up cars. Unfortunately, I'm having a tough time deciding on a home for the Vette. I love the Vette. The Vette I ordered from the factory in September 1972 which now needs some electrical detective work and a new paint job, otherwise it's delightful, functional and pristine... which is what a machine needs to be, if not people.

Machines don't bitch and don't create a mess, but do require space, time and money... just like a wife and kids do. Even my iRobot Roomba vacuum cleaner dog-substitute requires an overhaul every three years. And all machines have risk as compared to not doing or having anything at all. But compared to people with their complexity, high maintenance, games played, outrageous demands, uncontrolled emotions and unsolvable problems... machines are no risk at all.

Less is better. Of everything... machines and people. Especially the love of.


-© 2010 by Willy

Change?

Only babies like to get changed.

I like my life just fine the way it is, thank you. I like my routine because it keeps me sane amidst all the other change that hits me and that I have no control over.

Sometimes life is just a swirl of problems, especially this time of year... the government end-of-year. My world spins. Work has to be completed and reports are due, end-of-year money has to be spent, new year budget request are input. Everybody... but everybody... has things they want, new regulations to follow and demanded expectations to meet... in addition to my already overloaded schedule. I can do a better job if I stick to well-worn procedure and schedules.

At my touchstone, the swirling comes to a stop, albeit temporary. I stick to my routine of fitness and outside activities as much as possible, sometimes slightly modified, as I've done lately in training a buddy for his first big hike.

In early 2007, I updated the house to take care of ended-relationship emotional turmoil (one major change to help take care of another major change). I actually planned to sell but the mods came out so well that I kept the house... it would have been more change otherwise. But it was a year of pure hell. Not only did I grieve about the relationship end but also one night when I came home I found my mattress in the closet (and that's where I slept) because the hardwood guys put it there to get it out of the way.

A needed TDY to Hawaii? Not for me... send a kid. Invited promotion to an important and visible position? Not for me... get the other old guy. I'm just fine the way I am. And I suspect you are too.

And a corollary: I especially don't need some gal getting interested in me, because she'll want to change me.


-© 2010 by Willy

P.S., sooo... do you like the results of the change brought about by the new congress and the new administration?

"How do you hike outside in this heat?"

That's what friend Didi asked.

I responded that it is like cooking a frog: You put the frog into a pot with tap water on the stove and then turn the heat on. I go hiking all-year-round, so don't realize I'm getting cooked. I also take a Camelbak full of ice and Gatoraide.

I bicycle outside in this heat too. If you think it's bad hiking in the forest when it's a 100 in the shade, try riding in 100 degrees under the scorching sun for a few hours. However, I love my long Summertime Sunday rides. I solo but also like to hike and bike with old, quiet friends I've long known and loved.

I like it hot and sweaty. And I like 'em hot and sweaty too. Oops, wait a minute... I've given up gals.


- © 2010 by Willy

Place?

"Now go to your happy place... a place where you feel comfort, acceptance and love," said Karen the Yoga instructor.

Place? I'm happy when being active hiking, bicycling, weightlifting, running errands, feeding the ducks, reading, working, and meeting people to get things done. A pedometer revealed that I walk 4 miles a day at work. I'm seldom in my office or in my home. I'm completely hyperactive and I channel it to benefit. I may have high blood pressure and trouble sleeping but I love everything I do, I love every day, no matter what. Surrounded by blessings, I quietly and steadily make miracles happen.

I don't have a happy place. I have a happy journey instead... which gives me comfort, acceptance and love.

-© 2010 by Willy

Summertime

"Didn't you get my text?" Dallas said. "It's 102 degrees!"

I had already done my cardio warm-up, my rotator cuff warm-up routine, and was doing light pecs and delts. The dumbbells felt hot to the touch, like a cast iron skillet on the stove. Sweating was profuse. It was a lot more than 102 inside that unairconditioned tin building of a gym.

"No," I said, "what did it say?"

Dallas made a face.

I put my dumbbells down. "Go home to your wife and your air-conditioner!" I said.

"To my iced tea and taking it easy!" he said as we left, smiling.

In the South, it's summertime and the living is easy. Fish are biting and the cotton is high. And air-conditioning is sipping iced tea while resting in the shade.

Being from the deep south... and growing up with no air-conditioning at school, home, car nor buses... 102 degrees to me just means drinking cold liquids continuously to let it go straight through and do a heat exchange. For my riding and hiking, I load my Camelbak with ice and top it off with water. This time of year, I am so hydrated that I have to pee several times during the night. On weekend days, I prefer bicycling and hiking first thing in the morning. On weekdays, I do what I can. After work today, I hiked 6 miles in 99 degrees but under the canopy. Last Saturday we rode twentysomething miles in the sun. The heat doesn't bother me if I consistently stay with the program, stay consistent to get attuned to changing temps gradually, and drink fluids. High temps are part of training and conditioning. I won't accept anything else.

I choose to practice how I play.

And the living is easy.

- text © 2010 by Willy

Feel-Goods

I heard the 4-wheeler from the trail before entering the open area called Flat Rock. Expecting a teenager, I stayed in the shadows. What emerged was a bald old man smoking a cigarette, followed by an old Collie. I came forward and greeted him, and began to listen to a fascinating story. He is the landowner of Flat Rock, 75 years old, still working for a national company with a large presence in town, and he was there for maintenance: dropping off corn and taking back memory cards for several deer cams. He even had a camera hooked up to a cell phone to alert him if anybody strayed off-trail or tried to camp without his permission. He is a gentleman farmer, loves the outdoors, Flat Rock is his pride and joy and his hunting ground. He showed me pictures and talked about the variety of wildlife there. I mentioned my own backyard full of wildlife that I feed. I hope I'm enjoying the outdoors when I'm his age and afterwards. I made a new friend in Burt. He made my day. He made me feel good.

This was my long-hike day, and I do Flat Rock a few times a year. The way I did it yesterday was in a 13-mile, 2400-climb-feet, 7-hour version. Solo. In 100 degrees. I enjoyed Miss Kitty's beignets for lunch on-trail, and sucked my 100-oz bladder dry (with lots of pre- and post-hike hydration too). My feet were sore, but I enjoy that trophy as I enjoy the suffering of a steep climb. It feels good to be able to accomplish these hikes... or rides or gym work.

There are many ways to feel good about yourself. I have a few of my own... meeting a like-minded and tough-but-nice guy or gal is one of them. Not just Burt yesterday, but Dawn on the way to Maine and Marcia returning. I also immensely relish my long-time good friends. Of course, it also feels good when contributing and helping, at work and elsewhere.


Trail signs can be reassuring (a blaze, that you're still on-trail) or feel-goods ("Caution: Dangerous Descent." Yeah, right). So, some signs are the feel-good equivalent of complements, which I enjoy receiving and try to dispense regularly but honestly. Having regular birthday cake celebrations are one way of giving scheduled feel-goods, and there are many other techniques. Contributing includes being good to others, which is key to a good life.

Ooops, time flies. I'd better get ready to go enjoy this great hot weather... outdoors.


- © 2010 by Willy

Finally Enjoying My Children

I raised my children by myself. Being a momma-daddy, I am co-dependent but also believe in tough love. Everyone has to stand up on their own two feet.

One of the greatest challenges of being a parent has to be watching my kids make choices as young adults that I believe in my heart are mistakes. All I can do is try to help them understand the potential consequences, hope that the guidance I gave them will somehow help them through, and pray for the best... for their own sake.

I'm tired of getting caught in the tangle of other people's lives.


- © 2010 by Willy

Hike Ended, and On The Way Home

"The more insecurities, the more you pack," remarked daughter Jennifer. She packed her dad.

We were on our way on the yearly backpacking trip that has become a tradition. This one in Maine, where she finished last year but also where she had a heartbreak. She wanted to show me Maine's beauty and also to get back on the horse that threw her.


"It's a four-holer, and has toilet paper... it's Ritzy!" I said. The daughter laughed. I was referring to the privy at the White House Landing, a hiker's little-piece-of-heaven in Maine's Appalachian Trail's 100-Mile Wilderness. It was my fifth and last day of 43 miles, which included seven mountains and 11,000 ascent-feet. But this year the rains came only at night, so it was a much more enjoyable experience than last year's White Mountains.

The only thing that went wrong was that it's raining today, which we were going to use for a seaplane ride of Mt Katahdin (this old man can't climb Katahdin!). Well, OK, the flies were bad too, but expected.

We heard all kinds of trail drama from all kinds of people. My daughter the psychologist people-person thoroughly enjoys this. I marvel at her people skills, and am amazed at the huge variance of reasons for hiking the A.T., but that discussion would be long.

"I'm not going to marry anyone that can't hike a 100-mile wilderness," said the daughter, starting yet another bonding conversation. We talked about all the fake and lazy people in both our lives. "The divorce was bad, but I got to go backpacking," said the true enthusiast. She uses hiking as meditation and problem-solving time. It's a sweet solution that works well for her.

Everyone hikes his own hike.


- © 2010 by Willy

Action

I'm hyperactive... have ants in my pants and passion in my soul.

I am now packing, ultralight, for a Maine hike. I leave very early Saturday after a night of barbie and brew with the boys.

I had been squeezing in 3 hours of daily cardio, besides the lifting. This week of rest has reminded me that I just don't idle well. The throttle needs to be darn near full-open for this machine to be happy. This applies to all aspects, from work to home and to sleep. At work I've hired 10 new people this past year and my day is still an all-day heart attack. Then I dissipate more fuel afterwards at the gym or outside. Unless I'm exhausted, I don't sleep well, nor feel happy. I'm at my best when I'm contributing fully at what I like. I may not retire until I wear out completely. In the meantime, I'm thoroughly enjoying every adventure, big or small. More hikes and bikes, local and far, as well as growing an army of replacements at work.


It's all about the journey. It's not about watching. It's not about catching what's coming. It's about initiating action to get... anywhere.

I took after my daughter that way.


- © 2010 by Willy

Struggling Is Good

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were allowed to go through life without obstacles, it would cripple us... we would not be as strong as we could have been. Struggle is growth.

I'm mentally and physically tougher today because I've often struggled with work, kids, relationships and injuries. Relationships have been the toughest... I told my ex that I'd rather get shot than divorced. Monday I will effectively struggle with dozens of difficult people and scores of email where forty years ago I was struggling to know myself. Today I struggled pressing 100-lb dumbbells but twenty years ago it was 20-pounders, and in a week I will struggle with days of all-day hiking where fifty years ago it was the second lap around the track. I accept and even welcome these struggles.

Unlike Popeye, I am what I am, but that's not all that I am. Life will continue to hammer and strengthen me.


- © 2010 by Willy

The Future

Time is the fourth dimension.

There are a few different ideas of time. Some call time an artifact, created for man, to keep everything from happening all at once. Others say past, present and future co-exist simultaneously in different dimensions (or so goes String Theory).

It seems to me that since we have to live with the choices we've already made, what we are now is what we've done, and so the future is defined by our actions today. Events unfold after decisions are made. Every act or choice has a chorus of consequences. Every act is a move which affects the next, changing me and everybody else... i.e., everything matters (Chaos Theory).

So, why not choose kindness, today? A kind word or deed makes miracles happen.

Key: The future tomorrow is our decision today. Choose wisely. I choose grace.


-© 2010 by Willy

P.S., it's time to go on.

Discipline

I do what I can with what I have.

I'm friendly but I keep to myself unless engaged. There were three gals talking in the weightroom area. I had done cardio, warmed up the rotator cuff and had already done a delts circuit. I was on my second heavy set, minding my own business, when Carol showed this new gal her squat form... pushing up her chest and back her butt... and I lost concentration completely. After wasting time at the treadmill until they left, I went back for my last remaining power sets and finished my heavy workout in perfect form, without injury.

I can't control the wind but I can adjust my sail. To adjust, I withdrew.

I also love real chocolate ice cream but I can't have any and haven't had any in years. I'm still in irrational love with The Ex, but withdrew there too... I will not have anything to do with her, and haven't in years... after shedding many a tear. I can't choose how I feel but I can choose what I do about it.

Life's all about accepting and exerting self-control, which is no easy feat sometimes. How else would you live this day?


- © 2010 by Willy

The Angel Waved

The angel looked like a cloud against the red sunset, and she waved at me... for the longest time. It was pleasant.

I always thought that if I was ever in one of those "Touched By An Angel" episodes in real life, the minute the angel lit up, I'd have a stroke or heart attack and die of fright.

This one was not frightful. She was just saying "hi." I'm lucky to have recognized her. It took a while.

- © 2010 by Willy

We're Selfish

A car tried to take me out today. In a residential area!

It was a beautiful, sunny day... but my red blinky was on anyway, and I had my hi-viz jersey. I was signaling left turn and was at the middle of the road and had eye contact but this man overtakes and passes me anyway, doing 50.

It happens all of the time. More and more, rogue drivers don't care about rules because it's all about them. I gave up riding out in the county because of all the meth heads out there. One redneck hit one of the ladies last month, snapping her neck, and no charges were filed against him. Nor against the idiot that took out the touring legend next town over, a couple of years ago. Nor against the gal that hit buddy Dave and left him with a paralyzed left arm. Nor that crazy doctor out west that intentionally tried to take out a pack of racers. Nor against any other driver that hits a rider. It's not right. Only if a gun is used do the cops go after him.

"Without rules we are each at the whim of a stronger neighbor." - Thomas Hobbs.

It seems that rules don't matter to cops nor to drivers.

- © 2010 by Willy

Why Do It Again?

Yes, I climbed LeConte, again. I like to, and do it all the time. Some times once a year. Last year it was three times.

I am getting old and I prefer the devil I know to the miracle I don't, but the daughter makes me hike somewhere new with her once a year, this year it's the 100-mile wilderness in Maine.

To LeConte, I usually go with a big group. Some of us race to the top (4 1/4 hours via Rainbow), and drink hot toddies while waiting for dinner. The next day we race down (3 hours via Bullhead), then drink beer until the rest of the group get down, usually hours, then we carpool home.

I do enjoy the challenge, and the racing is the excuse to hike at my own pace and by myself. The slowpokes jabber about flowers, birds, scat, bear, and who knows what else.

So, does this solo character flaw make me special? Hell if I know, but I do become the spider web clearer and maybe the bear bait, and, lordy, I saw a lot of evidence of bear this time, although not the actual bear. Last year, a mama bear came straight for me, looking for a handout. I whistled till my ears hurt, and had my walking stick ready to poke her in the nose, but she disengaged the pursuit.

I do get a thrill... a smug sense of accomplishment... on these regular hikes, and revel in the mountain views and wildflowers. Even the wildlife.



-© 2010 by Willy

Amazement

I continue to be amazed by things unseen or undetectable: The sense that we can't sense it all.

You might be able to observe discipline and resolve. Initiative. Continuous progress. Contributions. Laughter. Attitude. A kindness spoken or received. Encouragement.

But comfort, contentment and inner peace? Introspection. Inner happiness. Character. A good conscience. The quietness of riding with an 81-year-old. The remembrance of a smell long ago. Missing a friend. Appreciation and gratitude. A good feeling. Faith in something or somebody. The spirit. The fleeting wind. Love. Friendship.

"The measure of a friendship is whether one is enriched in character, spirit or experience by virtue of the relationship." - anon.


- © 2010 by Willy

Detecting Residual Depression

Everything is relative. Comparison is necessary. A baseline, cornerstone or control case is absolutely essential, since measuring is done FROM a point.

When I find the measurement reference point from which I can judge progress, status or closure, I am a happy man.

I accidentally got a unexpected breakthrough recently in a three-year depression issue which I did not know I still had. It had to do with The Ex ignoring me when I ran into her after not having seen her for over three years. If she had instead pleasantly interacted with me that day, I would have been weak and possibly reopened undesired emotions. But, since she is what she is, she put my fears to rest and I was fortunate that, by ignoring me, she actually helped me with closure.

My world was bright but it's even brighter now.

It had been taking me an infinite amount of self-analysis in determining if my thinking is rational or erratic. I've found that not everything needs an explanation (yes, a strange statement coming from an engineer). Sometimes, things just happen because we choose for them to. I gave the devil her power. It was my choice. No more.

- © 2010 by WIlly

The Why Of It...

My daughter had a boyfriend heartache, so she came home to talk to an old friend. The breakthrough came: "She told me something powerful: 'You may be all the Jesus some people see.'"

Now, that's a terrific solution statement, no matter what the problem is, but it's difficult for this ol' engineer to understand matters of the heart. Experience 'em, yes, but understand, no. Engineers do heads, not hearts.

I had earlier reminded her that the last stage in grief is acceptance, but now I just listened and took her out and showed her some stress-reducing things that work for me and may work for her too, like feeding the ducks and hanging out by a gurgling brook. We hiked in my backyard mountain... the inchworms were raining down this weekend, no doubt incubating in our oak-pine-hickory canopy above, but more about that some other time.

You would think that figuring out life is easy... that the number of heartaches someone will experience in their lifetime (Nh) is equal to the number of temptations (Nt) that occur times the probability of succumbing to temptation given the temptation (Ps/t). But life is not an equation Nh = Nt x Ps/t. And Ps/t is tough to figure. Life is not Yes or No, Black or White... it's endless grayscale, infinite graduations of brightness and hues of an uncountable number of colors, with a timescale and with many strings attached.

But I do agree that cutting down the number of temptations, and me behaving like Jesus, does result in a simpler life with less heartache... for me and for you too.


- © 2010 by Willy

It's Summer!

The Mayapple flower buds are peanut-sized, the Trillium were open and the sun was hot... that's summer in The South. I should have done this before (I've been busy and away) but today I put the plants and hoses out, raked pear leaves, trimmed dead bushes, sprayed weed killer, broadcast weed-and-feed and turned the sprinklers to Auto. I did all this after completing the usual 6-mile mountain hike in just 2 hours, which is pretty darned good time for the terrain. Did I get extra energy due to the summer sun? What's happened lately? It just might have been closure, finally. Let's hope this continues... it was a terrific day.

While I walked I was thinking that I did not need a reason to be happy... I just am. I am fortunate, too.

- © 2010 by Willy

My Visit With The Monks

Happy Easter resurrection. I just got in after spending a few days as a guest of a monastery. A small group attending a small group of monks'. This year one became a priest, one died, they had five novices (the most ever) and a chef instead of a cook (correlation to the most ever novices?). The beautiful liturgy, elegant chants and interesting lectures were terrific, and keep me grounded.

Lent is time to fast from delight, so I snuck out yesterday and bought two big chocolate Easter bunnies to gorge on today, a ritual which I do every year too. I'll be sick to my stomach by tomorrow.

I had a long talk with one of the priests, whom I've known well for 15 years (my troublemaker son went to school there). I told him that I noticed that for the last couple of years I've become ornery. I don't like crowds either. I'm an old man with no tolerance for fools like the swivelhead teen in front of the pew nor the cougher behind. "Stay in community," he essentially said, "tolerate, do discipline of the eyes."


- © 2010 by Willy


P.S., in his talk, this priest quoted Malcolm Muggeridge stating "It's those times of biggest failures when I grew as a man and close to God."

The Tree Winked At Me…

Well, that’s kind of what it looked like. No, Alice wasn’t ten foot tall and I wasn’t high or drunk. I was just enjoying the warming weather of Spring and out for a neighborhood mountain stroll... with a smile on my face. Life is good and my world is right, no matter what is said in the news.

I think and meditate while I hike. At the time I saw that tree, I was thinking that the serendipity of life is a fragile thing. Life can change in a hurry. Much can happen, both positive and negative. You never know what’s going to come up next. You must prepare with school and network, work hard, develop the right attitude and be good… but life is unpredictable. The question of what is good and bad gets answered in hindsight. Stuff happens… which some may call luck… but I like to think of it as grace.

Grace and blessings to you too.

- © 2010 by Willy

P.S., yes, I winked back at the tree... but no one saw me, so it must not have happened.

Having Let Go

Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. I saw my ex at the gym this week... haven't seen her in 3 years... and, yes, she's obese, and she ignored me (most fortunate for me).

Thinking back, it was tough to let go, especially since I was in love, am somewhat obsessive-compulsive and definitely co-dependent.

It's been stated that chronic lying is not a habit... it's a manifestation of a significant character flaw, and nothing will get rid of it. Lies were either verbalized lies coming out of her mouth or omissions due to her passive-aggressive personality. It's also been stated that sociopathy is a personality disorder for which a lot of shrinks believe there is no cure. You can't grow a conscience. It was either accept her as is or let her go.

Unfortunately, I had given her a ring and she had moved in. Problems started in three weeks. The turning point was to recognize her cruelty. When the stupor of love exited, I realized my problem. This allowed me to respond back with what she considered offensive... with what worked for the last guy, which was a breakthrough. It took years. Looking back, I should have let her go much earlier... but I finally did, and am the better for it.

I am delighted with today.

-© 2010 by Willy

P.S., this at the 3-year hindsight perspective.

Inspiration

The daffodils bloomed, I noticed this morning after another week out of town... this one attending an important week-long meeting for work. Maybe the blooms were there before but I haven't been home much and I've been too busy to notice. Something tells those things to bloom at this time every year, whether somebody is around to see it or not.

Why did I bloom? ... and acquire my past and current responsibilities? Why not stock a grocery store? Why did I pursue the dream instead of staying home and taking care of my mother? Or of my crazy ex? Why did I even have the dream? Did I get "lucky," or was it inspiration... spiritus... the divine breath?

Does the fact that I bloomed matter? Do I delight someone's gaze? Did I help something happen or help somebody out? Have I made a difference? Did I contribute? Did I follow The Plan? Those are good questions that may or may not have an answer, but I hope for the affirmative.

But I did not bloom by myself, and I am counting on staying on... on the straight and narrow... by using a wish and a prayer. That seems to work better than anything else.


- © 2010 by Willy

P.S., Chaos Theory says that everybody and everything matters.

There Was No Virgin

I'm sure that the sign for Virgin Falls is in some teenager kid's bedroom as a bragging point. Missing also was one for Bridgestone-Firestone Wilderness Area. My buddy Roger and I spent all day driving around and asking locals how to get there, to no avail. Virgin Falls is in the map and the Chamber of Commerce brochure, and the last turn is in Google Street View, but, even with GPS, we did not see it. Maybe virgin innocence can no longer be found, falls or otherwise. We tried and, yes, we did have fun looking for the end of that rainbow.

Or was it a snipe hunt? One local mentioned the difficult rating for the Virgin Falls hike to be "Maximum" rather than "Difficult." We'll never know. I rate it "Impossible (to find)," or maybe also "Maximum (fun!)."

Other middle Tennessee falls were easier to find, magnificent in their size and splendor. Back in college days I rapelled down a rope at Fall Creek Falls, and, enthralled with the beauty, I caught my long hair in the rack and had to cut it off right then and there, on-rope. I looked funny until my next haircut.


Note Roger, the hiker with red wind shell in the picture, for scale, at Ozone Falls.

- © 2010 by Willy

Possible

"Think about what's possible
and you'll be amazed
at what's probable!"
- anon.

When I was 8 years old the cops had car radios, most people had a telephone, and I wondered why we hadn't yet merged those two together into what's now the cell phone. It took quite a while, but this possibility became the perfect probability.

Also when I was 8 or so, I wondered if it would be possible to avoid being feeble like my 60-year-old grandfather. The probability is... yes: I pressed very heavy pecs Monday, went for a 6-mile mountain hike yesterday and will do a 28-mile spin today. We don't come with a warrantee, so it's up to each one of us to make the possibility happen... with God's grace.

None of us has any control over how long we live, but we do have some control over how we live.

There is so much possible, and seems more so probable. What a ride!

- © 2010 by Willy

37-minute Warm-up

My buddy John started the frigid hike with the enthusiasm of breaking in new boots, but a half-mile into it had knee problems. I shouldn't have allowed that to happen, and usually begin winter hikes rather slowly. I'll leave John's knee to heal for a couple of weeks before I hike with him again, and then will start much slower and will suggest long johns.

It's been so cold that cycling outside is almost impossible... the wind chill makes sweat produce hypothermia.

Even inside at the gym, it took me 37 minutes to get through warm-up and feel good about ramping up the load on the elliptic.

It's all about the warm-up... tempos and intervals can happen after a good warm-up.

I should think that life stresses and anxieties should also happen after a good and long warm-up, but 60 years haven't been long enough yet and so I've turned down the load knob.

- © 2010 by Willy

Accept

I've long known that people aren't machines, and that relationships aren't equations.


That thought comes up often. Whenever I meet a difficult person (I dealt with two of them at a wedding yesterday), my thoughts automatically go to the fact that I'm glad I live alone with my machines. I tolerate rude people for a short time but am glad that I don't have to deal long-term with them... I go home and they go to their unfortunate spouses.

Relationships only work if you can stand the pain, and I won't. I detach. My life is full, exciting, tiring and surprising, but there is no longer room for the excitement of adversity. I'm truly thankful that I am where I am. It has been an active choice. Relaxing solo is my great joy, and adventure is my excitement.


- © 2010 by Willy

In The Head

I got into a discussion with my buddy John... with whom I've worked since 1977... regarding needing a hearing aid (me and my buddies are getting up there and the topic comes up more often now). For most of us, the noise floor is up, and thus the problem is the signal-to-noise ratio, i.e., tinnitus, a "ringing in the ear."


The reason I use quotes there is that my other buddy Jim had a conjecture that tinnitus is not a hardware problem but too high a loop gain in the brain. I validated that three years ago when I took anti-depressants and my own tinnitus went away. My problem-solving statement to John is that, when the time comes, I will try pills again before I get a hearing aid. Buddy Phil thinks that the tinnitus did not go away... that I just went to la-la land and didn't care, but I disagree. I ran a hearing level test with my bedroom HEPA filter fan level as reference, and I could hear fine with the fan off, whereas now (and before the anti-depresants) it takes two fan levels to drown out the tinnitus.

This begs to ask: What else do we have overgained? Clearly, anxieties, fears and panic come to mind... and surely depression is just a product of exhaustion due to anxiety overgain... but what else?

Seems to me that a lot of life is in the software... it's in the head.

Disclaimer: I'm not a doctor, just a dam' good engineer.


- © 2010 by Willy

Relationship Shelf Life

My daughter flew home for Christmas and we drove to a family reunion afterwards in Florida. As captives for a week, we did some talking, and agreed on one point:


Relationships have a shelf life. They go bad, like eggs.

Now, let me state that I respect everyone who has been married for eons, and you are the refreshing exception, but statistics and experience shows the rule is that romantic relationships are difficult to maintain.

My history shows that my relationships shelf life has shrunk as I've aged. My marriage lasted ten years but I just don't have the umpf any more to put up with characters on a daily version... and neither does anybody else. The exception is for buddies that, obviously, only see each other on occasion instead of every blessed night.

How long is the shelf life?

Depends on the relationship. Just like fine wine ages forever (the exception), and chicken has to be consumed soon, relationships can last from soon to forever... but the mean seems to be closer to the soon rather than to the forever. Even refrigerated. Check the label.

To love and friendships.

- © 2010 by Willy

P.S., Love and relationships do not always correlate, i.e., to me, love may indeed be forever, unlike its associated relationship.

Logic Over Emotion

My daughter is terrific with people and usually emotional; I'm very good at machines and usually hardhearted; thus we sometimes consult with each other on problemsolving. Some times the solution is a warm hug, and sometimes it's detachment.

A cousin had knee surgery and drives a stickshift, and my daughter is helpful and drives an automatic. She posed the possible solution of swapping cars.

I answered that (1) the cousin had loaned her car to the daughter before, so there was a precedent, (2) there will be a cost for adding each other to their insurances as compared to the cousin getting a rental car, but (3) if the cousin's surgery was her right knee, then neither of the above matters and cousin should just chill out for another month because insurance will be invalid and the risk of crash is significant.

The daughter liked this logic, and I was glad to have contributed.

Sometimes logic works better than emotion. Some times.

- text © 2010 by Willy

P.S., but it's always function over form.

Touchstones

Every house has a foundation and every machine has a frame, and every person has to have a touchstone or cornerstone.

My touchstones are my career and my 1973 Corvette. My career started in 1960 with a love of rockets and a distaste for people. I ordered my Vette in 1972 and I have measured my life as referenced to the Vette. Many people have dissapointed me, whereas the Vette has independent suspension, all disk brakes, plenty of power, looks great and does not criticize me. I take it out for a hard drive some weekends to calibrate myself.


My psychologist daughter's touchstone is people. She has to touch that foundation often, and feels refreshed and recharged when she does. She just got back home after a couple of weeks with family.


- © 2010 by Willy