Give Until It Hurts?

"You are my idol, Willy," said Charlie, the personal trainer. "When I get to be your age, I want to be in your shape." Dallas laughed. I took it as a serious complement and thanked Charlie for giving it to me.

It's said that, decision by decision, we shape our destiny. However, a good attitude shapes our destiny too, albeit passively. In other words, whether proactively or in quiet acceptance, we live the life we want, with God's grace. Practice how you play and you'll play how you practice. How you practice life is how you live it. We have awesome control over our lives and that of others, since life is a network of invisible crossing threads. Take the complements, and give them too. Recognize and thank the blessings in your life, and be one too. Fulfill lives. Pass it forward.

On the other hand, I give them the benefit of the doubt... until they hurt me. I've been hurt too many times, life is short and I've had enough. What's all this raving about: Somebody who had no clue asked if I wanted to rekindle the relationship with The Ex. It was so incredulous that it was funny. In response I asked if it was a cold day in the hell where she came from.

Why relationships and marriage? I do not subscribe to the idea that I will need someone there when times get tough, because times have been tough because of the somebody that was there... and then nobody was there and life went just fine. The concept that there's a need for a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold and a willing ear is bogus because it costs much more than it's worth. I'll stick to buddies instead... guys and gals... without crossing the line.


Life's a circus, so send in the clowns.

[Daughter Jennifer is one of the two clowns at left... I forgot which.]


-© 2010 by Willy

Detecting Residual Depression

Everything is relative. Comparison is necessary. A baseline, cornerstone or control case is absolutely essential, since measuring is done FROM a point.

When I find the measurement reference point from which I can judge progress, status or closure, I am a happy man.

I accidentally got a unexpected breakthrough recently in a three-year depression issue which I did not know I still had. It had to do with The Ex ignoring me when I ran into her after not having seen her for over three years. If she had instead pleasantly interacted with me that day, I would have been weak and possibly reopened undesired emotions. But, since she is what she is, she put my fears to rest and I was fortunate that, by ignoring me, she actually helped me with closure.

My world was bright but it's even brighter now.

It had been taking me an infinite amount of self-analysis in determining if my thinking is rational or erratic. I've found that not everything needs an explanation (yes, a strange statement coming from an engineer). Sometimes, things just happen because we choose for them to. I gave the devil her power. It was my choice. No more.

- © 2010 by WIlly

Having Let Go

Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. I saw my ex at the gym this week... haven't seen her in 3 years... and, yes, she's obese, and she ignored me (most fortunate for me).

Thinking back, it was tough to let go, especially since I was in love, am somewhat obsessive-compulsive and definitely co-dependent.

It's been stated that chronic lying is not a habit... it's a manifestation of a significant character flaw, and nothing will get rid of it. Lies were either verbalized lies coming out of her mouth or omissions due to her passive-aggressive personality. It's also been stated that sociopathy is a personality disorder for which a lot of shrinks believe there is no cure. You can't grow a conscience. It was either accept her as is or let her go.

Unfortunately, I had given her a ring and she had moved in. Problems started in three weeks. The turning point was to recognize her cruelty. When the stupor of love exited, I realized my problem. This allowed me to respond back with what she considered offensive... with what worked for the last guy, which was a breakthrough. It took years. Looking back, I should have let her go much earlier... but I finally did, and am the better for it.

I am delighted with today.

-© 2010 by Willy

P.S., this at the 3-year hindsight perspective.

Watch The Nutrition

Two Alligators were sitting around the gym after their workout, talking nutrition.

The smaller Gator turned to the bigger one and said, "I can"t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big Gator, "what have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Gator [or Lawyers, Ex'es or whatever].

"Hmm... well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot."

"Same here! How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under a car and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the crap out of them and eat them!"

"Ah!" says the big Gator, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the crap out of a politician, there's nothing left but a briefcase."

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Moral of the story: (1) Watch what you eat... don't eat crap, (2) Bigger is not always better... some people and some Gators are just full of it, and (3) Maybe you're OK just the way you are.

Don't Look Back

Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt.

After a while we only seem to remember the good times and forget bad ones. This is mentally healthy in one sense, but on another sense, we have to be careful that our feelings of love, loneliness or jealousy don't ever take us back to a proven horrible person. If our previous relationships or friends were abusive, remember that they will do the same to a new significant other... or to us... again and again. There's a reason why we have our current friends and don't associate with some of our old ones. There is no hope... people don't really change... they are what they are, just like us. We may mourn the end of our fantasy, but should recognize it as a happy ending necessary for a bright healthy future.

“Remember Lot's wife.” - Jesus in Luke 17:32


-© 2009 by Willy

Fear of Snakes

"There's a huge rattlesnake stretched out across the path!" said the mountain biker this morning, riding back to the trailhead.

Fear can be helpful, but most of the time it's damaging. It can help by keeping people away from the bite of the rattlesnake but it can hurt by keeping people away from living their life. Fear deprived the rider of this trail at this time. By the time I got to his snake, it had already moved on.

The same fear has been true for me after my last relationship crash a couple of years ago. Fear of relationships had put a damper on my socializing and I had to force myself to join a support group, which helped but also prolonged my recovery.

That snake was in its element... its home. Respect it but let it go and go on with life. My own snakes have long gone to other trails after fresh targets.

It's taken me a long time to empty the trash, but I did. I sure hope I got all of it out of my head this time.

Reminder: don't play with snakes.



-© 2009 by Willy

Worry vs Courage

"The wise man in the storm prays to God, not for safety from danger, but for deliverance from fear. It is the storm within that endangers him, not the storm without." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

It's amazing what we can do when we try... both in body as well as in mind. But it is in the mind that we fight our battles, and it is the mind that pushes the bodies. Whereas worry and fear keeps us awake at night, faith, belief, courage and valor reformat us to generate the energy needed to make it possible.

Ghost from the past have reappeared, both physically and in remembered words, but I no longer listen to that negative self-talk that cluttered my head from old criticism. I chose to replace it with my message... that I can do just about anything. I will not be scared off by the ghosts nor by the poison they have spread, but will hold my head high in spite of it and laugh at them. I'm still fighting my demons but my goal is to refuse to acknowledge that they are lurking about. I think about how much stronger the struggle made me, not how much it hurt. I turned that page. I have set my goals, I do right, and do not fear. I believe in myself.

Get out of my way, ghosts.

- © 2009 by Willy

Grief

Am I through with my grief? It's been a year and a half, and many other crises and events have come and gone since The Ex and I broke up and I got depressed. So, let's go through it, for self-analysis, historical documentation and lessons learned.


The Ex went through the depression first, with many demands for control without compromise, her words breaking my heart. This stage lasted four years, beginning immediately upon moving in. All we were was lousy roommates. I realized that I made a huge mistake. When she finally made her decision that I was insignificant, she became happier, proclaimed an end to the relationship and started inviting other men over, which was her way to begin recovery. Her abuse was my breaking point.

My grief started when I then had to accept her decision and invited her out. In this case saying goodbye was definitely the right thing to do. Four months after voicing her decision, and after getting her income tax refund, she finally moved. I immediately took a week off to clean up the house, took a vanfull to her, four truckloads to charity and filled up a construction dumpster. I remodeled the house. I took many showers to scrub her stink off.

Unlike her, I refused to date new people as a recovery technique, preferring the simplicity of solitude. I then went into a depression tailspin, pills and all. I went into a loop in which I ranged from extreme work and exercise to sitting at home crying. I had a tough time and this lasted for months. Searching for help, I joined a weekly support group that I still attend. I recognized that it was unrequited love, that I provided the free ride and that's all I was to her. I've forgiven myself for making that mistake and am satisfied and at peace with myself now. Unbelievably, I'm still in love with her, but I CHOSE to quit thinking about her and do a complete cutoff, with no looking back, which was quite the struggle and the hardest thing ever to get off my mind.

So I'm well, my grief has been over for quite a while, and I'm a changed man. I now thoroughly enjoy my peace and quiet, and I do enjoy myself. Since I sleep better, I feel stronger, work more efficiently, bike and hike more and longer, and lift heavier weights. I'm friendly, I laugh more and I whistle down the halls. I celebrate life. I've gone to the occassional party but don't stay long, since I don't want to make another mistake. Most importantly, I contribute again.

Last year, I teared often and heavily. This year I laugh so hard that I cry.

And that's my grief story in a nutshell, for the books.

- © 2008 by Willy
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Clarity

I realized a few years ago that I need better clarity.

My glasses must need a new prescription, because I hadn't been able to see things well... otherwise I wouldn't have gotten in the trouble I was in.

Then I thought that it was my thinking that was skewed... somehow or other, maybe my brain wasn't working properly.

Could it be, I thought, that it was just my hormones overriding my brain? Thinking with the little head, I heard my son once say.

Surely, this woman, who said she loved me, must be right... there was something wrong with me, she often said, in different ways, over and over again. I couldn't do anything right!

I came to the slow realization that it wasn't me. The problem was her! Oh, shit! She had moved in with me! I had given her a ring! And now what?

So, back to the beginning I went, realizing that I need better clarity all right. It was The Ex's glasses that were broken, and it was The Ex that wasn't thinking right. Her frequent accusations were really about her and her behavior... it was her that was shallow and self-centered, and it was her that just didn't care... she was just around for the free ride.

It was all about her, but I was the provider. I was doing her a disservice by providing, since she needed to stand up on her own two feet and take care of herself, and I needed the clarity obtained by being by myself. So, it took a long while, but provoked by her inviting men over, I asked her to leave and did us both a favor.

I'm sure she's found another provider since. However, I will never run the chance of getting another bitch again.

It's easy to see in hindsight.

- © 2008 by Willy
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What It Is

That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. That is, what matters is what something is, not what it is called.

People try to hide what they are in executing their deceptions... intentionally become self-deceptive (believe their own bull) so that they appear honest and innocent to others.




But a pig smells like a pig, no matter what she's called.




It is what it is, people are what they are, and there's nothing anybody can do for them. However, there is something we can do for ourselves... examine their deception to figure out what they really are... then leave that pig as soon as possible.

Don't believe the lie... don't fall in their trap and believe their self-deception... no matter who they seem to be, bosses, friends, lovers, whomever. Save yourself!


- text © 2008 by Willy
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Apology To The Ex

Dear Ex...

I would like to apologize to you for assuming that your private assurances to me regarding your desire to cooperate in our efforts to develop our relationship were sincere. I'm embarrassed to admit that after all these years, I failed to interpret your previous assurances as typical rhetoric gloss routinely used to make self-interested posturing appear more noble.

This is based upon a McCain note to Obama during congress. If this is over your head ... Never mind.

Not copyrighted by Willy
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Working Versus Being There

Why work hard versus just going to work? Why do-the-right-thing and "upset" others instead of just being a buddy and not caring if things get done? Why contribute if you can just do a minimum, chitchat and blow off the day?

I don't know.

That is, I don't know otherwise. Although the word fraud comes to mind as well as irresponsible, immature, useless, and other.

I quit a professional organization three years ago, after 34 years of very active volunteer work because the board was choked down with old deadbeats that didn't do much but get in the way. I got annoyed, recommended that they yield their seats to up-and-coming young 'uns, and quit them.

Deadbeats thrive at work. I always thought the true purpose of a deadbeat is to have a somebody to lay off when layoffs came (but this may not be true, since deadbeats are very friendly good ol' boys). Or maybe their function is to have somebody available for the boss to grade lower than me and thus enable a Gaussian distribution, albeit skewed.

I got rid of a very nice deadbeat a few years ago after three years of no work output. It is frustrating sometimes to work in a place with deadbeats who come in at 9 or 10, take a couple of hours for lunch, then leave early... if they show up at all... be they high-up muckety-mucks or entry level. They can't be avoided, since they permeate society. Personally, I want them away from me, as far as possible. After all, I became an engineer to build machines, not to have to deal with [shudder] people problems. Machines work.

Similarly, I got rid of my deadbeat fiance, "The Ex," last year after 4 years of living together... about 4 years too late. I found great relief when she finally left.

Although there is no training class on how to deal with deadbeats, one thing to consider is that we have been entrusted to be good stewards of our company's money or God's talents, entrusted to you to do a specific job. Another is that we must exercise due diligence in the process. There must be the right work ethic.

If you don't understand these concepts, then please quit and go be homeless on Florida beaches... you'll fit better there. Lead, follow or get out of my way.

- text © 2008 by Willy
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