Grief

Am I through with my grief? It's been a year and a half, and many other crises and events have come and gone since The Ex and I broke up and I got depressed. So, let's go through it, for self-analysis, historical documentation and lessons learned.


The Ex went through the depression first, with many demands for control without compromise, her words breaking my heart. This stage lasted four years, beginning immediately upon moving in. All we were was lousy roommates. I realized that I made a huge mistake. When she finally made her decision that I was insignificant, she became happier, proclaimed an end to the relationship and started inviting other men over, which was her way to begin recovery. Her abuse was my breaking point.

My grief started when I then had to accept her decision and invited her out. In this case saying goodbye was definitely the right thing to do. Four months after voicing her decision, and after getting her income tax refund, she finally moved. I immediately took a week off to clean up the house, took a vanfull to her, four truckloads to charity and filled up a construction dumpster. I remodeled the house. I took many showers to scrub her stink off.

Unlike her, I refused to date new people as a recovery technique, preferring the simplicity of solitude. I then went into a depression tailspin, pills and all. I went into a loop in which I ranged from extreme work and exercise to sitting at home crying. I had a tough time and this lasted for months. Searching for help, I joined a weekly support group that I still attend. I recognized that it was unrequited love, that I provided the free ride and that's all I was to her. I've forgiven myself for making that mistake and am satisfied and at peace with myself now. Unbelievably, I'm still in love with her, but I CHOSE to quit thinking about her and do a complete cutoff, with no looking back, which was quite the struggle and the hardest thing ever to get off my mind.

So I'm well, my grief has been over for quite a while, and I'm a changed man. I now thoroughly enjoy my peace and quiet, and I do enjoy myself. Since I sleep better, I feel stronger, work more efficiently, bike and hike more and longer, and lift heavier weights. I'm friendly, I laugh more and I whistle down the halls. I celebrate life. I've gone to the occassional party but don't stay long, since I don't want to make another mistake. Most importantly, I contribute again.

Last year, I teared often and heavily. This year I laugh so hard that I cry.

And that's my grief story in a nutshell, for the books.

- © 2008 by Willy
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