Am I Crazy?

Am I in my right mind?

I have experienced pain many times, and do so now. To me, the really big pain is about the wounds of the heart and mind. Physical pain (like my cancers, broken bones, ruptured appendix, etc.) is comparatively less. The most pain has always been at times in which I don’t have control over my thinking, when every single thing is difficult and life loses its luster… like now. The last couple of months have been excruciatingly painful for me.

My many physical and emotional issues have given me anxiety, and made me question my thoughts and actions. This has been a life-long reoccuring struggle. 

Sometimes I can discuss these with a buddy over a beer, but sometimes my go-to person to discuss heart-and-mind matters is my daughter Jennifer. My question and discussions with her are always “Am I crazy?” She has patience with me and knows that it’s mostly a matter of time before I regain my sanity. And she’s right, because I’m feeling better after a few weeks of hiking therapy with her. I’m still not right, but hopefully I get to go home soon. 

“Tough times don’t last, but tough people do,” said Robert Schuller.

Yes, I’m all about hiking… to beautiful views in beautiful places. It heals me. How could I forget?

Father, please continue to heal us. 

And by the grace of God go I.

-copyright 2021 by Willy.

Huffing And Puffing

"Come on baby, I love you, come back to me." I was saying out loud at the gym while I massaged my right quad on a leg extension machine. Among my many issues is that my right leg does not work well, due to the stage-4 lymphoma in 2014. The leg is weak, and has little feeling. It's a miracle that I can walk and hike as well as I do. Then, again, it's a miracle that I'm alive, because they gave me a 20% chance of living five years... seven years ago. I thought I was dead, then was in a wheelchair, then a walker, and now I hike. In 2019 they took out a tennis ball sized tumor out of my brain, a side effect of radiation therapy. Yes, I am a blessed man. How long do I have? Thank you, Father, for this day.

Topic 2: I'm back to this blog after a seven-year pause to continue documenting myself. In reading backwards, My life is so different from the pre-cancer me... in so many ways.

Topic 3: I'm in Colorado, hiking with daughter Jennifer for my mental health, and praying for a recovery for my best friend and hiking partner, and praying for a way forward… if it’s in your will, Father.

And please grant me perception, awareness and understanding, wisdom and acceptance, and strength and endurance. 

And by the grace of God go I.

- copyright 2021 by Willy

Cancer

Life reminded me who is in charge: I have Stage 3 or 4 Lymphoma cancer in my back. I can't walk.

I'm not that tough, after all.

It snuck up quick and silent, mascarading as a typical back-ache and scoliosis... six weeks ago. Six weeks!

At first, I did more yoga, then the upside-down traction table, then went to the Chiropractor four times, then my GP doctor and finally a referral to the back specialist who sent me to the cancer doctor. The pain was unbearable. 

All this with friends taking and helping me, and my best friend interceding. 

I was lucky that there was that new, freshly-graduated star waiting in the wings, or I'd be dead by now. She is one smart cookie cancer doctor. And even more hyperactive than me! I am also lucky to have unbelievable great friends helping me.

Have had several Radiation treatments. Yesterday had my first Chemo... all day long. Will have more of everything before the next Chemo "bullet" in three weeks.

As it is, I'm starting this tough struggle quite late, and don't know where I'll end up. More humble pie, but perhaps goodbye. Lord, have mercy on me.

- copyright 2014 by Willy

Adjusting My Mind

I have always been physically tough, but not so much emotionally. My daughter figured me out. Earlier this year, she stated it: I live like a monk for five or ten years, then date and get hurt and go back to another five or ten years of living like a monk.

Body and mind are a package. When the mind is broken, the body suffers.

My daughter is right... I am no good at romantic relationships, but I have many good friends instead. Hopefully, old friends don't play cruel singles games. I could write a book but TV has captured them... like the one that went and screwed an old boyfriend and came back and bragged to me about it. Purely a daytime TV soap.

I'm no angel. Nobody's perfect and we all have baggage, but at least let's not associate with devils. Let's leave the poisonous snakes alone.

I've been adjusting my thinking to control my passions. I keep it inside my pants. I hug friends but do not cop a feel. This adjustment is kind of like the chiropractor does... cracks the bones of my mind.

I don't have to wade through bull to find what an old friend's problems are... I just have to accept and accommodate. I've seen my friends when they are a mess due to divorce, sickness, birth or circumstances. Most of us have some degree of neurosis, psychosis, schizophrenia and bipolar/mania/depression. However, I am blessed with kind friends, and I like them... otherwise we wouldn't be friends. The question of whether they can be tolerated is made easy by the fact that I'm not living with them. And, my tolerance to anger has been zero: bitch me out once and it's goodbye forever, so my current friends have passed through some sieve already.

I've worked at this and feel like I've got it but I proceed cautiously. I want good quality for the rest of my years. Adjusting my mind will take care of my body, so I can train.



-copyright 2014 by Willy

Bare Knuckles

I quit wearing gloves.

On one level, I quit wearing bicycle gloves, removed the speedometer/computer and tossed the heart rate monitor. I ride my heavy fat-tire bike... the carbon has been hanging from the ceiling for years. When I hike my usual solo 7-mile trails, I change to boots but wear whatever I have on (dress shirt and pants)... I do not carry water nor food but I do carry a phone. Bare knuckled.

On another level, I do not use an electric toothbrush either. At my shower you'll find a bar of soap and a razor... no shampoo nor bottles of any kind. At my sink is a toothbrush, Water Pic, baby oil and hairbrush. Pretty simple, eh?

There's only beer and popsicles in my fridge. I own no iron, no mixer, nor blender. I seldom use the heat or air conditioning at home, and I open my window at work. Do I live like a monk?

I do not use mosquito spray and I do not wave a stick in front of me to break the spiderwebs on-trail. Spider bites are an acceptable hazard.

Given a choice, I do it the hard way. I do not use work gloves at the farm. I use a hand saw, I use sandpaper in a block, I cut up small trees with a bow saw, and I usually drive a screw with a screwdriver. I have better control this way rather than with motorized tools, and it toughens my hands and joints. Bloody knuckles heal.

The world is fragile.

I do have to be careful, because I'm too strong. I have twisted doorknobs off, destroyed vacuum cleaners, and hurt with a handshake or hug.

Why?

Why do I do things the hard way? Not only do I like the accomplishment, but doing things the hard way is training. I will be able to do these things when I get old... while my buddies can't already. Use it or lose it!

Storms took the power down and a neighbor with a generator invited me to watch TV, but I thanked him and said that a candle and my iPhone will suffice. I do it because I like simplicity.

Although I'm a rocket scientist, I like no frills. The more complex something is, the higher the risk of failure and the lower the reliability. In my old cars, I've cut off many unneeded gadgets, and the cars are aging rather well. I like low risk.

Sooo... why live bare knuckled? Because it improves both my body and my character. A lot of people talk tough, but I live it.


-copyright 2014 by Willy

Happiness... What It is.

Much has been written about happiness. And everyone has a different definition of it. Mine includes outdoor activity, like hiking.

I plan several outdoor activities a year that keep me happy. Some are with others, and some are by myself. And it's all with variety and balance, from backpacking to just having lunch outside in a restaurant patio. No, I don't care if it's raining or sunny, hot or cold.

Happiness is having a fervor. And being able to scratch that itch.


-copyright 2014 by Willy

P.S., the ability to scratch an itch, not scratching every itch.

Happiness... On Relationships

My thinking on relationships... if you want to be with the one that makes you laugh, then you'd better find the levity to make yourself laugh first.

And/or just accept yourself and embrace the simple solitude. If so, then there's nobody to have to compromise with, nobody to distract me from Mother Nature, nobody to take away time with which to meditate... and nobody to ruin a beautiful sunset. That congruence, or lack of it, strikes me as funny.

My daughter pointed out to me that I have these cycles where for five or ten years I behave like a monk, then date somebody and get disgusted, returning to behaving like a monk for five or ten years.

I plan to add some damping to that cycle.

I plan to be happy.


-copyright 2014 by Willy

Blessed

There's a preacher out there that incessantly talks about what to do and how to behave in order to get God's blessings. He talks about blessings as though they were a unit of currency. It's amazing that somebody buys this hype. He's done very well, but he's just another silver-tongued devil. But I digress again.

Blessings are not complicated things.

I believe in happiness through kindness, service and sacrifice. And I believe in karma. Thus I believe that blessings come. And they come every which way.

I was climbing a steep and tall mountain a few weeks ago. I should have been up and back down by noon due to the possibility of lightning. I embraced the burn but was nevertheless climbing rather slowly. I started at sunup but there was just no way to meet the timetable. I saw the storms coming right at me and should have aborted but decided instead to continue. The storms went around the mountain and sleeted heavy below. I only got wet in the last ten minutes of my ten-hour hike.

Am I blessed?

I'm very good at science, math... and statistics. When a statistical improbability rears up, I take notice. And there's been quite a few of these. Not 100-year floods every year but 100-year blessings many times a year.

I believe, but not in TV preachers.


-copyright 2014 by Willy.

P.S., lightning kills many hikers above treeline.

Something Special and Motivational

The above picture is the GPS screen reading of my hiking GPS at the top of Mount Shivano near Salidas, Colorado, a few weeks ago. Note its elevation reading is 14,233 feet.

Shivano is a class-2 fourteener, and I hiked a mile up in five miles forward, in thin air. This one took me six hours to climb where my other successful fourteener, a class-1, took me four hours, so either my training is lacking or I've got to shed some pounds, or both. That gives me a goal for the next year... to train extra hard at my home elevation of 1,000 feet.

Besides backpacking, I'm now "peak-bagging." Colorado has 52 mountains that are 14,000 feet high or higher. I have accomplished two in five attempts. The unsuccessful attempts were either storm problems and/or not starting early enough and not having enough time (Grey's), or being pooped out (Long's and Pike's). No, I do not get sick at this altitude but I do walk slower and pant more.

I have to do Something Special and Motivational a few times a year. We all do.


-copyright 2014 by Willy.

The Right Clothing

Any activity requires the right clothing as well as the right equipment. My preference is to keep it simple, but I digress. Yes, all polyprop or man-made fibers, but I digress again.

I just went to the surgeon to get a few head stitches out. Yes, probably either a byproduct of a very active lifestyle, or old age. My choice of garb was a red shirt to hide the blood. And brown pants to hide the...


-copyright 2014 by Willy.

Unintended Consequences

OK, so every few years I get these full-body hives ("Poison Ivy went Systemic").

I don't roll around Poison Ivy but I am always outside doing something: hiking, bushwacking, climbing, camping, backpacking and bicycling... besides trimming hedges, eradicating briers, cutting grass and bush-hogging fields. I get submerged in nature's fauna and flora. Getting scratched, scraped, bitten and stung is normal... it's the price to pay for outdoor activity.

The response has been Prednisone, a steroid.

It still means days of itching and a couple of weeks of rash... but Prednisone makes a young man out of me: No arthritis and no back pain, cardio is easier, weights go up, and I smile more.

I don't like the rash, but I love the solution!

-copyright 2014 by Willy.

How Intense?

That is the big question: How frequent and intense should workouts be? It looked to me that too often or too hard and I'd pop a gasket and go RIP on the spot, but not often or not intense enough and I'd die slowly of organ failure.

The solution for me has been variety: I have a base, and add variation.

I warm up, stretch and self-massage every day.

I do something or two every day, but every day is different. Like weightlift every other day, hike outside two or three times a week, bike out once or twice a week, and do cardio machines (elliptic and studio bike) several times a week. And then do something special and motivational several times a year, like week-long backpacking trips, mountain climbs and bike tours.

Every weight workout is different... in form, type, sets and angles/machines/weights. Every cardio is different in location/surface/machine, time and intensity.

Once a month I do heavy weights as well as all-day hikes or very fast hikes and high heartrate elliptic sessions. I rotate these and warm up very well.

Is it working? Yes, I think so... for me. I do well, but still get occasional injuries, for which I have to take time off or modify my workouts to recuperate. I do seem to get elbow tendinitis too often, so am continuously modifying and cold-packing. Could I do better? Probably, but as compared to what? There are not that many old athletes around. I read a lot, discuss and experiment, but I don't have all the answers. I've been working on this particular answer for decades.

-copyright 2014 by Willy

My Plan

What do I plan to do when I get old? When wrinkles take over? Well, I've never smoked and don't plan to. I will exercise often (but not too intensely) in order to stay tough. I will maintain activities with friends to have a social life but I will avoid mean people. I will eat and drink in moderation, including coffee every morning, to avoid being overweight. I will take a couple of baby aspirin every day to reduce risk. I will not care about wrinkles but will work hard to maintain function. And I will laugh hard and often to avoid depression.

Oh, wait... that's what I already do.


-copyright 2014 by Willy

Past Age 60

The current issue of one of the outdoors backpacking magazines prominently displayed an article titled: "Ten ways To Stay Active after 60." This article joins many others with the same message.

Having lived long past 60, it amuses me that so many lengthy articles need to be written on the subject, when it's just simple common sense. To me, there is only one thing to do:

Modify, but don't stop.

I modified by going low-impact (no running), and increasing my miles to accommodate my reduced metabolic rate. This has decreased my risk for injury and increased my endurance and toughness.

I do not stop for weather nor for distractions. Nothing stops my training. I hike, bike, lift and stretch more, and more effectively. If I stop, I might not be able to get back to it.

I don't stop.


-copyright 2014 by Willy

I Have Grown

As I've gotten older, my life has become more fun. I learned to avoid problems. Life is no longer scary. Kids have gone and so have mothers, wives and other problem relationships.

Surround yourself with the right people in life and things go smooth.

I no longer worry about breaking a leg nor stepping on toes.

I just go.


-copyright 2014 by Willy

Devil or Angel

I have been having a great time for the last year or two with some long-time good friends. They're terrific... smart and capable.... and I enjoy them.

But the devil does show up eventually to mess things up. Relationships are unstable. People are more complex than rocket science... by far.

I am good to the core... no drama, and what you see is what you get. 

Recently, things seemed to be in a fix. Nothing was working... arguing back lengthened it and a calm response did too, silence did not work, and laughing enraged them worse.

I chose.

It is a simple thing I tried: I chose to translate rage as terms of endearment. No matter what they said, I hear "I love you." So, I smile and think back "I love you too," and I mean it.

How can you argue with that? They know I do this, I smile, and the instance is defused.

I can't change them, but I can choose to wear rose-colored glasses to interpret those instances of devil into angel... for my mental health. It's a good way to decline an invitation to an argument. It works... when I remember to do it.

No, I don't know what I do to enrage them, and they can't tell me either. And, yes, I know I'm no angel.

The more usual solution is to just leave.


-text copyright 2014 by Willy.

Risk

The TV was full of babbling weathermen being interrupted by the EAS. Their excitement, brought on by the unfolding weather threat, was communicated to the public as fear. Two people died that evening.

Afraid?

A few hundred people may die yearly in the U.S. due to tornadoes, but 35 thousand die due to cars, 74K to diabetes, 157K to stroke, and a whopping 685K due to heart attacks. Every year! Fear a tornado? Hell, it's best to hike during a tornado... which I did.

I do not accept their drama. I don't fear a tornado, I fear inactivity... and drive a big new truck.

Fear inactivity.


-text copyright 2014 by Willy. Statistics by the CDC.

Frozen?

Studies have shown that the single treatment that can relieve fatigue, anxiety, depression, arthritis pain and reduce the risk of diabetes and age-related cognitive disorders is exercise.

Sometimes we get emotionally wounded... it's not that we don't care, it's that we get emotionally frozen. And this makes us physically frozen too. Unable to focus. Unable to do.



It is depression.

We need help in moving past this so we can start fighting for life... we need a hand to get out of this big bowl we're in.... so we can move again.

The solution? Besides a good counselor, is regular exercise.

Yes, it is a chicken and the egg thing... which us engineers solved long ago: grab either one and the other follows. In this case, exercise will make your emotions follow.

Focus... with exercise.


-copyright 2014 by Willy

Life is Too Short

I have figured it out: I've noticed that people at work that do solo work (like coders) have a social life outside of work, but those with people-intensive or team work would rather enjoy nature's solitude.

My office is a Grand Central Station. What is yours? Some people drive me crazy. I know that we need a social structure for good mental health but life is too short to put up with fools. I used to tolerate them but it is better to choose properly and avoid them. At work and elsewhere, seek the happy medium. To me, nature's solitude is a great option.

Keep calm and hike on.


-copyright 2014 by Willy

It's the Journey

It's the journey, not the destination... most of the time.

I am getting home from a hike down the Havasu Indian part of the Grand Canyon. There are beautiful waterfalls there in an absolutely gorgeous canyon.



I have seen many beautiful things in nature along my life's journey. This was one of them.

They say it's a 3,000 ft descend in 10 miles but my GPS said 13+ (due to multipath, which is the bouncing of satellite off canyon walls... more on that for another blog).

This is about half the altitude-feet of the park's South Rim's Bright Angel trail... with more miles, thus easier (but that's for another blog too).

The journey?

The way we went was assisted by an outfitter that carries down tents and food via mules. I still carried a twenty-something-pound pack.

Most of the time, I backpack ultralight... self-contained, simple and rough... and I like it that way, but glamor camping (glamping?) is a terrific luxury option. I have experienced it on hut-to-hut circuits at the White Mountains, camp-to-camp at the High Sierras, at LeConte in the Smokeys, Len Foot Hike Inn at Springer Mountain and many others.

But there's a new level of glamping... by helicopter!

The destination?

Now, I do sometimes believe that the end justifies the means... let me get it done my way... but not this time: People helicopter to Havasu and back out. Groups of hobby photogs do that. Even NatGeo did that.

Depending on your purpose, that could be cheating.

I will never again look at a beautiful wild NatGeo picture of Africa without asking: Did they just helicopter there?


- copyright 2014 by Willy