Nightmares

I have had a few recurring nightmares. When I was a young man, I worried about my work responsibilities in getting my engineering projects to succeed, and at home in raising and supporting a family.

From day one I was in a hurry to fly, even though my wings were just not there yet. I concentrated and tried sooo hard! Consistency, time and patience helped... I eventually did grow the wings and I soared with eagles... or at least other swan.

Nowadays my work worries are non-technical... getting everyone covered... and my immediate home stresses are to get on with my life.

One recent personal concern is how close I came to marrying my ex. She appeared innocent but was horrid. A profligate spender, she drove me crazy with demands and criticism, wanting everything her way with no compromise. I was insignificant to her. My recurring nightmares of finding a stranger in the house were based upon her inviting other men over, which was the last straw in a series of cruelties. Who gave her the right to be cruel to me? With her actions she hurt me but set me free. If I had married her, I would have put a gun to my head, which is exactly what she wanted, in issue being my will. How did I fall in love with THAT? And how do I prevent this nightmare from happening again?

I guess that we all stumble in some sort of way. We're not perfect. In mind and in body sometimes we stumble because of somebody else and sometimes it's our own fault. And when we do, it's usually painful. One solution is to stop the world and get off, quit dealing with people and go solo here too. In running, bicycling and triathlons, there's usually a crash at the last hundred yards to the finish line... if you are racing with other people. It seems, no matter what, that emotions and exuberance take over from the rational thinking process... and we crash and burn. Stumbling, in general, is a common concern and nightmare of mine and of many others.

Others have nightmares too. Another recurring nightmare shows me the results of somebody's lack of planning at work. I am a very good planner and even better multiplexer, which is why I am so busy with multiple tasks (I wear 5 hats), and can't understand somebody else's lack of planning. My workday is an orchestrated daylong heart attack, with little time to catch my breath before some "problem" pops into my office needing their shit unclogged. Most of these disasters could have been avoided if the guy had thought ahead to look around and plan. I now have several rolls of toilet paper in my office to hand out to THOSE people. I also tell them that lack of planning on their part does not constitute an emergency on my part. Let them have their own nightmares, instead of passing them to me.

Solutions? Besides going it solo, plan, and not be a co-dependent... two things I do to fight my nightmares are my daily prayers and my weekly massage. Massage is heaven on earth. Not only does it help my mind's anxieties, but also it fixes my beat-up body. I couldn't do my hiking, riding and lifting without it. Thanks, Jan.

Freud said that every dream is a wish. In between nightmares... in between tough parts of my life... I do have some wonderful, warm, peaceful dreams and great sleep. I have started to get these again, my favorite being slowly flying above nature's majesty. I wish for peace and calmness, solo.


- some of this © 2007 by Willy