We Give What We Have

To him who only owns a hammer, every problem looks like a nail (Maslow).

In a relationship, we can only give what we have, and we can only expect what they are. Funny how we forget this.

I'm not sad at past behavior. I accept it, and even embrace it. It's funny to think back that what I was expecting just wasn't in her... my ex... all she owned was a hammer, literally.

I was deeply in love with her, but she wasn't. There was no "we." Based upon her words and actions, she felt nothing for me. How about "You through with me yet?" or her praise of a waiter's muscles, or inviting men over to the house... and there were other cruelties.

We had it all. The relationship should have been good but instead it was twisted and distorted. She never had the concept of "we" because she was incapable... it couldn't be changed, so it couldn't be saved.

I pray for the serenity to accept the things I cannot change... courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Another restatement is that I can't change the wind, but I can adjust my sails. And the redneck restatement is that you can't teach a pig to sing...it wastes your time, and it annoys the pig. That pig don't sing and she never will.

She was so believable because she was the most self-deceptive person I've ever know. Also, because I wanted it to work. Unfortunately, I was living a fantasy.

Academics at Denver University have developed a theory of commitment that says, essentially, that the best relationships are those in which two people see themselves as us more than as you and me. They make sacrifices for each other, and give priority to each other’s needs. In other words, relationship commitment is all about "we," not independence. No surprise here!

On a related issue... anger turned inwards is depression. After grieving, my anger resulted in bad thinking... and bad emotional and physical health. So, I am staying calm, serene and peaceful. I forgive them because I don't want their poison to continue to affect me... I'd rather they succumb to their own. I believe there is justice in this world and that she's going to get hers eventually. In reality, being shallow and self-centered, she moved on years ago, and maybe I haven't. However, I'm back to doing what's right, without compromise, and focusing to think the right thoughts. Life is definitely good, and most people are too.

Everybody I've known has made me happy, some by coming and some by going.

- © 2007 by Willy
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P.S., in either case, the best is yet to come!
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