Afraid of Shadows

It does bug me that life has become a TV daytime soap opera. The same never-ending drama, day in and day out, year in and year out. Somebody cattle-prodding us to jump through hoops, increasing anxiety to the point where sleep is difficult. The uncertainty is making us be afraid of shadows.

The last time government closed, about twenty years ago, I cashed in frequent flyer miles and went on the best vacation of my life. This time I do not have the confidence to go off. This one is different. This time it is much worse.

God, help us all.


- copyright 2013 by Willy.

From The Noise

There is an awful lot of junk, stuff or noise out there. When watching TV, we are bombarded by ads; when driving we get the signs and billboards; when dealing with people, we deal with fakes and lies; and when reading an article or book, we read biases and opinion... when all we want to do is find content.

In dieting, we have junk food where we really should be taking in protein and high-grade carbs. In exercise, we have throw-away miles where we should be getting effective use of our time. Where's the beef?



In engineering, we call this finding the signal amidst the noise, and it's a rather difficult task. Noise makes up most of our world, by far. So much, that sometimes we can't find the signal... we have too many choices.

The real solution is an iterative one. You have to know what the signal looks like before you can recognize it, and thus many "looks" are postulated, and extraction attempted, before success can happen. We need to know what the signal looks like. We need to know the form of the answer before we can get the answer. We need to know what we need before we need it. Yes, it seems like double-talk, but it's true.

Not only that, but it is human to see something false out of the noise if we lack control. People want to react to the situation we're out of control in. This explains why TV is so effective. People feel out of control and TV talking heads helps them make sense of it, even if it's a false understanding and thus... brainwashing.

In the health and fitness area, it's about what motivation works for diet and exercise. I have found that silly goals are much better than logical goals... because silly goals are emotional and logical goals are not. We respond to emotional goals much better than common-sense goals. My current goal to trim down fat is to enter a bodybuilding contest (for which I have to show my abs). Amidst numerous logical reasons (noise) like heart attacks, blood pressure and diabetes, the possibility of embarrassment in a bodybuilding contest (signal) is working well for me.

Change your thoughts and you change your world.

- © 2013 by Willy

Control

I know how to control a machine, but how do we control ourselves? How do we bridle back our actions and emotions? Throttle down? Control our anger? Invoke self-discipline? Govern ourselves properly? Stay on the straight and narrow? Meditate and pray? Diet and exercise? Not cross the line? Not ask for a phone number?

Good questions, but ones with no apparent answer... if we read the paper or examine ourselves for flaws and urges.

A lot has been said lately on this subject with the recent demise of Cosmo’s publisher, and comparisons to Playboy. Both of these magazines are the antithesis of self-control, with their prime axioms being seduction philosophy and lack of inhibition. Sex sells, but it also brought plenty of drama and misery in this battle of the sexes, and produced plenty of casualties.

I still get temptation... like yesterday... but put me down for diet and exercise and hold the drama.

Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil, amen.

- © 2012 by Willy

On Solitude

There is no one waiting by the green light at the end of Daisy's dock, and there will never be. I have a very comfortable solitary life elsewhere, and I like it this way.

There is a big difference between solitude and loneliness... a matter of choice. Loneliness is depression, whereas choosing solitude is enjoyment... for time at work, bicycles, mountains and gyms with a better sense, clearer mind and healthier body. I sleep better, see more, feel better and enjoy life.

I have analyzed my ex-wife and my other relationships. I now realized that I am blessed not to be encumbered by them. I have no albatross around my neck... and want none ever more.

I used to think that it was a tradeoff, a balance between joys and sorrows, but I now realize that there was only short-term joy and long-term sorrow.

The monks are correct in their solitude, however, even THEY pledge obedience to their abbot... the head monk. No way!


- © 2012 by Willy

P.S., No way!

Outdated or Wiser?

The same things are true in life as in fitness and in faith.

Fall color is here and leaves are carpeting our trails. Fall comes and fall will go, just as sure as the sun will return tomorrow morning. But we learn more each year. This year I discovered ruins just beside my favorite hiking trail.

I am a 60-year-old engineer and am outdated in many things, but not The Big Picture. Yes, kids know eye-opening computer tricks and give me six significant digits of accuracy but oftentimes they get the first digit wrong... that is, they went the wrong way. Can't argue about results based on experience. We know that kids come and kids get old and go, and we all learn from each other.

The AIG/bank/wallstreet/auto bailout came a couple of decades after the Savings and Loan debacle. The economy is a shambles and we don't have the power to fix it, so we wring our hands until we remember that this, too, shall pass. It happened before and it will happen again. I have faith that as liberals come then liberals too will go. The tide comes in and the tide goes out. It ebbs and flows. Are the politicians protecting worthless bank assets incompetent or just crooks? Yes, and then they go, and we relearn not to trust them, or the banks.

We will discover the motivation to embark upon a good fitness plan... then receive an overuse injury or accident, and we stop to heal, and start all over again. Only this time we will risk less to overuse and pick where we ride.

We're living the good life and divorce happens and life gets sour. And life ebbs and flows again later. We get mad at God and then, in His time, we go back, wiser, and learn not to enter another relationship like that.

In my business, the cannon is as outdated as the slide rule, and so is the canon... all of the canons... because the truth is that nothing stays the same.

Life ebbs and flows, and there's much comfort and tranquility in knowing that, and accepting it.


- © 2010 by Willy

It's In My Nature

A scorpion asks a frog for help crossing a river. Intimidated by the scorpion's prominent stinger, the frog demurs. "Don't be scared," the scorpion says. "If something happens to you, I'll drown." Moved by this logic, the frog puts the scorpion on his back and wades into the river. Halfway across, the scorpion stings the frog.

The dying frog croaks, "How could you? You know you'll drown!"

"It's in my nature," gasps the sinking scorpion.

_______________

This fable of The Scorpion and The Frog is also a lesson on misplaced trust, on the limits of logic, on not escaping the insuppressible nature of things, and more:

What was the incentive for the frog to even entertain help carry that scorpion? NONE! It was not just the scorpion's nature that's in question here but more so it is the frog's nature to blame. That frog should not have helped in such an event with a clear eventuality. Wasn't this the co-dependency on the frog's part that sank them both? YES!

It is what it is, I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam. THIS co-dependent frog must question everything. I must fight my nature and do just my own... cross the river solo, and not help the scorpions. Kindness has its limits, clearly, and so I have my demons to fight.


- text © 2009 by Willy

Thievery

Once is randomness, twice catches my eye but the third time is a 3-sigma event that raises the hair in back of my neck and makes me pay strict attention. The fourth time?


I knew that there were all kinds of thieves, from the idiot with a gun robbing a bank cashier to the bank vice-president stealing it big-time. But I did not expect to see our citizens in cahoots with congress and the bankers giving the entire country away. I lived through the Savings & Loan debacle of the 80's but the current thievery makes the S&L crooks weak amateurs by comparison. And it's happening not once, twice or three times... they're about to raid the treasury for the fourth time in a little over a year to the tune of yet another trillion or so. A trillion here, a trillion there, and pretty soon you're talking ALL the money (with appologies to senator Dirksen). The fiscal year 2009 deficit was three times that of 2008. The foreign-owned US debt is $3 trillion, a quarter of that China's. There is no letup in sight.

Our great nation is the last bastion of stoic common sense, but we seem to want to go the way of Rome. It's not my congressmen who are voting screwy, it's the big cities and "blue" states.

The fourth time scares me.


-text © 2009 by Willy


P.S., it's also called looting and plundering, but it's usually done to another country.

War Game... not!

In the 1980s I was sooo tired of fighting difficult people at work, a domineering mother, preteen kids I was raising alone, a crazy ex-wife and a pain-in-the-butt significant other, that I began my dissertation based upon an article and collaborative experiment at Scientific American magazine. It was on the opposite of War Games. The magazine asked readers to submit their solutions to a one-on-one transaction problem that gave points to benefit societal win-win cooperation. Geek readers submitted all kinds of complex and esoteric solutions but the one that won was simple, and the field of Game Theory was blessed with Nice, Clear, Procable and Forgiving.

This one-on-one transaction scenario, the cooperative version of what is unfortunately called The Prisoner's Dilemma, deals with an exchange between two entities. For example, as when buying an item over the internet, three outcomes are possible. Hopefully the buyer gives his credit card information and the seller sends buyer the requested item, in which case both win, and both buyer and seller get two points each. The second possible outcome is where the buyer sends credit card information but the seller does not send the item, therefore the seller wins three points and the buyer zero. The third possible outcome is where the buyer sends a fraudulent payment but the seller sends the item, and the buyer wins three points and the seller gets zero. Seem familiar?

Key is that, overall, a win-win nets more total points to society than that of the other two outcomes, and that there is a clearly demarcated start and end to the transaction, which is iterated multiple times.

The solution was to be Nice, Clear, Provocable and Forgiving...

   - Nice: My entity starts "nice" (whether buying or selling) in the first transaction, trusting... the honeymoon.

   - Clear: Both entities are aware of (but don't have to agree to) this solution/rules.

   - Provocable: When either buyer or seller screws the other, at the next transaction the loser screws the winner.

   - Forgiving: Then everything is forgiven, with no rancor and no grudge held, to start fresh at the following transaction.

Such a simple and naive set of rules couldn't possible win, you say? It did, over a Kalman Filter based Estimation Theory solution and every other engineer/scientist's submission, which were numerous.

When I used it, what it did was to regiment or train me to follow a wining procedure... sort of like dog obedience classes actually train the owner, not the dog.

When used, this solution works great in dating, but, unfortunately, this one-on-one format does not conform well to marriage, since marriage does not have individual transactions with clearly demarcated start and end, but is a continuous form. It also works good with acquaintances, friends and family. The work situation is mixed, not one-on-one, so only part of the work environment benefits from using this solution.

Since formulated, this solution has spread like wildfire in the interested technical and psychological communities, with extensions attempted for one-on-many couplings, blurred start/ends, and other interesting situations.

This solution worked for me before, and I now need it again, so I've brought out my figurative brass knuckles.

- © 2009 by Willy

Keep Quiet

T. Boone Pickens once said that the higher a monkey climbs a tree, the more people that can see his ass.

Visibility has its drawbacks. You are a big, obvious target that others can not only sling mud at but shoot down too.

I like where I am. It's amazing to me how much power I have from the bottom. I can get a lot done without getting seen. And I don't get shot at.

The key to my mental health is to keep my head down. Survival is to say nothing and to try a little to look like I might know what I'm doing, which I do. I just keep quiet, and get things done.

All the monkeys up high spend most of their time and effort throwing mud at each other, and sometimes one of them gets killed. People can be such asses.

Not for me!

- © 2008 by Willy
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Enjoying The Outdoors

It was 35 degrees and overcast when I got up this Sunday morning, and thus I did what I always do on the typical gloomy winter Sunday morning: Go to McDonald's and take time to read the paper. While eating my Bacon-Egg-And-Cheese biscuit, the sun came out in rare form, the temps rose to the mid-40's, and I gulped my second cup to go home to put my boots on. Yes, yes, I was tempted to grab the bike instead, but yesterday was windy and... well... it was the trail today.

I enjoy both solo riding and solo hiking, but given cold wind, I'll take the trail instead. It's more enjoyable than the gym and better than getting sick and having to take time off my workouts.

Even though it was a gorgeous sunny day, I only passed 3 people in the 2-hour, 4-mile, steep thousand-foot climb trail. I thought about doing more, but it's off-season and I'm used to 2-hour early mall hikes or indoor machines lately.

The birds sang, unknown critters rustled and for most of the 2 hours I fought to control my thoughts. I realized that I wasn't quite through with grieving and my thinking was not yet entirely rational, at least today. Time is my ally but I need more. I smiled, took strong full breaths and pushed forward like the human machine that I am.

- © 2008 by Willy
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Reality

Pigs do fly, hell does freeze over, and we do eat our words, on a regular basis. At least I surely do. It seems that emotions do prevail over logic, or that form trumps function, and that the unwanted and impossible happens. Some of this is bad... and some of it is good, depends on how you take it. The skyscraper that survives an earthquake is not the strongest but the most flexible. Ditto for trees in a hurricane.

It's sometimes difficult for me to tell the difference between reality and fantasy, and thus understand what's happening. The best laid plans do sometimes fail, and it seems that setting and following some goals is fruitless as compared to waiting for opportunity. Maybe the key is to be flexible... to be prepared and to be ready... so that when opportunity knocks... or the hurricane happens... AND we recognize it... we can deal with it.

When a badass in a meeting spews his bile, it does absolutely no good to confront him, but instead it's best to keep your cool... and be flexible... like the tree in a hurricane.

It's an attitude.

When you realize that you are not significant to your significant other, then be flexible... roll with the punch, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, stand up tall and smile. Yes, much easier said than done here too.

Engineering teaches to identify and assess, develop solutions, implement them, and evaluate results. And sometimes it works (luck!), but most of the time, the intricacies of each of those simple words make it impossible to do, and flexibility... trying out many different solutions... is the way. Or at least works great with machines.


Like the bumper sticker on redneck pickup trucks: Reality Happens. The key is to recognize it, and bend like a tree... in your own grove!




- © 2007 by Willy
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Rejoice!

Christmas is almost over! Rejoice! Yes, a Bah Humbug to you.

Who can possibly like the horrible crowds and the maddening traffic that is Christmas? The huge expense in time and money? The waste and inefficiency at work? The bother of putting up with bad relatives? The debilitating stress? The craziness?

No, nobody, and neither can I... whether we admit it or not. What we do is to grit our teeth, put up with it, send out the stupid Christmas cards, buy the dam' presents, and take a chill pill.

Then, sometime, the cards are sent, the sales are over, the people finally go, the place gets quiet and we all take a day off. I start reading the emails rather than deleting them unread. I finally catch up at work, and relax at home laughing at the drunks on TV... which reminds me to make a resolution.

Thinking about this last year I feel my 2007 is summarized as "Fate's here to see you and she's brought her wire cutters." To which a good friend replied that this was over, and now "God's here to see you and He brought you His love."

And I smile, and rejoice.

- © 2007 by Willy
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And God said...

grad dot E = rho / epsilon-zero
grad dot B = 0
grad cross E = - del-B/del-t
grad cross B = 1/c-square times del-E/del-t
+ micro-subzero time J
... and there was light!

Similarly, have you noticed that sunsets are usually red but sunrises are yellow? This is because normally we are looking at the sunset thru the heated atmosphere, which looks red. Thus a modification is needed to the wave equations above.


And the three-dimensional standing waves made by any boat on a calm lake are also wave equations, though not of light, but following the same physics. It's all the same physics, the same laws, and the same equations.

We're trying to understand.

"I want to understand what's on God's mind, the rest are just details." - Albert Einstein.

Me too.

- some of this © 2007 by Willy

Taking a Step Into the Light

I'm taking one step into the light. If God is not there, I've lost nothing. If God is closer, I've gained everything. So, what keeps me from taking this step?

This paraphrase of Pascal's Wager... a good example of the tie-in between philosophy and religion... irks the atheists to no end. To me it's beautiful logic and a debate winner.

God exists, whether I remember to take that step or not. But what has fascinated me for a lifetime is... what is my mission here? What does my Father want me to do? What are my tasks?

I call home in prayer every day for an answer.

Certainly, I know part of it: we are here to contribute. At the end, He will ask, "Did you make a difference?" He gave me my talents for me to do something with them, rather than to stick them under a rock.

I believe I'm here because I have some special message to deliver, with a special song to sing for others, with a special act of love to bestow. No one else can speak my message or sing my song or offer my act of love. These have been entrusted only to me. I'm positive about this.

My life has had some brokenness... broken relationships, broken promises and broken expectations. It would be easy for me to become bitter and resentful without continuing daily talks with my Father. I pray daily... for my sanity. Father is always there and always answers. The brokenness is something that my limited human mind can't grasp, but I keep trying. My Father I trust. Your will be done, Father.

All this talk is to remind myself that it's time to take another step.

May the good Lord hold you, too, in the palm of His hand.

- text © 2007 by Willy
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It's Time

After the figurative bomb went off, I vented for months. It may have done me good, although I have nothing to compare it to. In any case, looking back through this blog, I see that my craziness, my hurt, my grief, and my anger has lately subsided, although some remains. It's been slowly replaced by a sense of warmth, happiness, peace and calmness.

I've been busy at work and I've been busy at home, and getting busier. In the last six months, I've solved many a technical and people problem, unclogging many a toilet, with more to go. I've gotten in nice physical shape... earning many compliments... have had a lot of fun, pedaled and hiked to the extreme, and laughed a lot. Did a significant amount of business and personal vacation travel both. I've cleaned up the house, spending huge amounts of money and time updating the house to sell... but it looks sooo good now that I'm staying!

I don't have interest in further grieving... or in irrational or emotional thinking. I don't really care what the fools are up to. I'm happy, life is good, injuries are manageable, and I'm enjoying life in its many splendors.

It's time to dust myself off and get on with it.

-©2007 by Willy

P.S., I will continue to write, though.
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Praying

Lord, help me keep my head on straight.

What is your favorite prayer, and what do you pray for? I've noticed that there's usually three types of prayer. A lot of us pray to thank God, some ask God for direction, and some ask Him for things or actions.

The latter prayer, being the Type-A personality's favorite, is sometimes put down (don't you tell God what to do!), although some saints defend it, and it is a practical way to hope He will keep your ex away. The former type of prayer is the usual mealtime thanks for most folks (For food to nourish the body and conversation to enrich the soul, we are truly thankful).

To ask for discernment is my own constant lament, as well as, lately, a plead for mercy. These are what I pray most, in many variations. Lord, keep me on the straight and narrow, don't let me hurt somebody, etc. Saint Teresa's classic prayer (Let nothing disturb you, let nothing affright you, all things are passing) is a great de-stressor, and another variation.

When the world pushes you to your knees, you're in the perfect position to pray.

My plead for sanity in all things is only remarkable if you think you might have been close to the edge. And for just that I pray, amen.

- text © 2007 by Willy
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Reality

In order to live in reality, the first step is to detect where your head is at. Kind of like in the movie "The Matrix" and prior ones like "Alice In Wonderland," what we're seeing or feeling might not be Truth. And this is because of hormones, depression, self-deceit, or other maladies or interrupters. In the heat of the battle, adrenalin will give us tunnel vision. Lust blocks the thinking process entirely... my son referred to this as "thinking with your little head." Depression colors our world black to the point that we can't see. The reason some people can lie convincingly is because of self-deception... they really believe what they spout... which, to us, could seem believable instead of obvious malarkey. And all of these are ways of thinking irrationally.

So, how do we detect this so as to correct our vision with rational glasses? I believe that we can't, but our friends can tell us. An unbiased observer with his/her own perspective is a Godsend. I appreciate true friends more and more each day, and ask for their help more. More on this topic in the future.

-©2007 by Willy
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Focus

I've been noticing a few things lately. For one, for the last year or two I have not been able to focus on what I'm doing.

It's not so bad at work, since I've been doing the same type of work for many, many years... but outside of work it's been difficult to focus, to problem solve and to think rationally. For instance, the heat got to me last Summer, and so this past Spring, right after my fiance and I split, I replaced the 17-year-old air conditioner, since it was throwing breakers while I was at work and I'd end up having trouble sleeping in the heat.

There's nothing wrong with that story until I add that last year I also had to have the roof replaced, and they took out the 4 attic power vents and replaced them with passive ridge vents. Blam! Two and two now do add to four, don't it. I probably could have just added 4 new power vents instead of a new a/c, which is exactly what I've got to do anyway, since the new bigger a/c couldn't keep up this Summer anyway! Oh, well... that was an old a/c anyway.

Other examples abound, I'm discovering.

Hope your thinking is rational!

-text © 2007 by Willy
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Willy's Mad Ramblings

Starting this blog makes no sense... I might still be irrational from leftover depression caused by the end of a relationship. But I'm a good writer, so, what the heck... I need to restart my life and this may be good therapy. Let's try it... let's see if I make sense.

-©2007 by Willy
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